To not want to call MIL Mum?

[sunshinelolipops]

My MIL wants me to call her Mum and gets upset if I call her by her first name. I talked to Dh about it and he doesn't get the problem and thinks this is a normal thing to do. He is very defensive of his Mum.
I don't feel close to MIL and it feels awkward and weird to call her Mum. I am very close to my actual Mum. At the same time I don't want to upset her and have been humouring it but don't know how long I can keep it up for. I am also worried it might offend my actual mum if she heard me call her this.
My mum doesn't expect Dh to call her Mum, just by first name. I had never even heard of calling MILs Mum before.
Is this normal? What should I do?

“If such a thing exists, I'm afraid the DIL's feelings would have to be taken into account. So for me that would be a polite but firm 'no'.”

Well, obviously it does exist- as plenty of people on this thread can testify. And many people, as I did, said no , they didn’t want to. But in those circumstances it would actually be more disrespectful not to ask!

And bear in mind that the term is Mum-in-law, so it's not really that weird. Your MIL possibly doesn't like the idea of being called by her first name, as it feels disrespectful to her.

I think my MIL felt that way, thinking about it. But I just didn't want to, I've never felt that close to her. I think it's something that needs to be talked through by each individual family.

My SIL always called my DM 'Mum'. I hated it - so did my DM!

To clarify it's not cultural and we're not in Yorkshire . All the same culture and British (north). Interesting reading the different views on it. I think she would be offended if Dh called my mum 'Mum'. She is very easily offended. But Dh wouldn't call my mum 'Mum' as he would find it weird... yet expects me to call his mum that.

Would your DM be mortally offended if you explained that Mil is gently loony and it would make her unreasonably happy?

If not, then ffs! Call the bloody woman ‘Mum’.
Different if your mum is no longer around etc but otherwise file under bonkers but harmless.

Honestly, the stuff you lot get huffy about.

My MIL always wanted me to call her Mum, she said it wasn't polite in her culture for me to use first names. I said in my culture it was considered perfectly polite as we were two adults and wouldn't be calling her Mum. I wouldn't dream of asking my children's partners to call me anything except my name, very odd.

I call my MIL mother my OH started it (what she calls my mum) not sure where it came from but both Mum's don't mind and sign cards Etc as such

@SleightOfMind I have tried calling her Mum, it doesn't feel right. She was really horrible to me when Dh and I first started dating. I have put that behind me but at the same time I feel like the word 'Mum' has a lot of meaning behind it. Obviously I associate it with my actual mum who I love, is very caring and has always been supportive of me. I cannot say the same of her. This might sound dramatic but I don't feel like she has done anything to warrant me calling her that. How is she on an equal level to my mum in any way? Now, if my Dh stepmum really wanted me to call her Mum that might be a different story as she has always been kind and supportive of me. But she would never try to force me to do something that didn't feel right, which I can't say the same of the MIL.

That's the thing, OP, it depends on the relationship you have with each other. She treated you badly in the beginning, so why would you feel comfortable calling her 'Mum'? Also, she tried to force it upon you, which is totally the wrong way to go about it.

In my case, I felt like my MIL expected me to call her 'Mum'. She was passive aggressive about it, saying to my DH that his Grandma (her MIL) would have been so upset if she had called her by her first name. She said it in my hearing. The implication was very clear. I stuck to my guns.

There is something in the generational thing, in not calling your PiL by their first names. When Dh &I, DSis & BiL, and DBro & SiL were all young and "courting" or newly married, it was a bit of a 'thing' to try to put the others in a situation where they had to refer to our parents by name, as no-one felt comfortable calling them by their first names, but somehow 'Mr / Mrs X' seemed a tad formal. . It was a great relief when the grandchildren started arriving and they could always be referred to as Grandma and Grandad.
However, in no generation I have come across do people call anyone other than their own Mum, 'Mum'.
I accept there may be some cultures that this happens though

You are both adults, of equal status. If she calls you by your first name, you should be able to call her by her first name. By insisting on 'mum' she is trying to perpetuate an unequal relationship (parent-child).
Say 'no, you are not my mum and we are both adults'. Every time.

You have to stand up to them
Your DH is a total hypocrite
I think you can say almost anything as long as it is done politely and without emotion
Your feelings are just as important to hers
Say to both you won't be calling her mum because it feels wrong to you

My MIL asked me the same thing.
I think my face must have said it all!
My mum is my mum, end of story!
I do know someone that does this and that is fine for them, but not me.
Do whichever works for you.

But Dh wouldn't call my mum 'Mum' as he would find it weird... yet expects me to call his mum that.

Well that's the end of it.

Who are these men who think women still have to obey them after marriage?

I do. I call fil dad too but it is in my husbands mother tongue so it doesnt feel like i am saying mum and dad. Well it didnt until our now kids call us mum and dad in dhs mother tongue. But i am used to it now.

My mum is also mum to my dh and my sis in law and my db calls his mil mum but I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. It feels so wrong but nobody cares so at least there's that.

No way would I ever ever call my MIL. I'd find it disrespectful to my own mum who is dead, but even if she were alive I couldn't bring myself to do it. I'd have to just keep repeating 'sorry I don't feel comfortable referring to you as mum, as I only have one mum'.

Just don't call her anything.

My parents called their ILs Mum and Dad but first names seemed more natural when DH and I thought about it for our respective ILs.

It seems very peculiar to me. Why would anyone call a woman mum if they were not their mother. Perhaps it is cultural for some but it is not, in my experience, the culture in the UK and when people settle elsewhere it us polite to me mindful of the culture of the host culture.

Nurses do this regularly. They have called my elderly mother "mum". She has a name and she is not their mother; why not exercise some respect and use her name? They have called me mum "you mum". To dd yes, but Mrs Sparkles to you. First names fine with permission and if the drs' first names are beibg used. It's an equality issue in that context.

In your context op, it's not so much about equality, it's a factual issue. Would she call your DH daddy, uncle, husband. Of course she wouldn't, he's her son. Just as she isn't your mother, she's your husband's mother. Can't you just say "I'm sorry but you aren't my mother and therefore I won't be calling you mum" Is there something else you would like me to call you. Old bag springs to mind but I have reserved that for private conversations between DH and me.

This used to be the norm years ago, not now. Do don’t it if you’re not comfortable with it. I would hate it if my daughter called her Mother in law ‘ Mum ‘.

Oh and from the very beginning I addressed cards to my in-laws and my parents as follows:

IL's: mum and dad (Anne and George), which became, mum and dad, grandma and grandad, Anne and George. Regarded as totally normal because they are different things to each of us.

My mother just signs from Penelope and Gerald. More complicated because Gerald is my stepfather so I tend just to use first names there. Do not get me started on the day she thought Gerald would be called Grandad!

Don't do it if you don't want to-I don't. But it is a bit odd to say it doesn't happen, when this thread is full of people saying it does!

I will not ever call someone who is not my Mum, Mum.

She is being ridiculous being “offended”

I call my in laws grandma and grandad because we have kids and that's what they are to them 😂