To not want to call MIL Mum?

[sunshinelolipops]

My MIL wants me to call her Mum and gets upset if I call her by her first name. I talked to Dh about it and he doesn't get the problem and thinks this is a normal thing to do. He is very defensive of his Mum.
I don't feel close to MIL and it feels awkward and weird to call her Mum. I am very close to my actual Mum. At the same time I don't want to upset her and have been humouring it but don't know how long I can keep it up for. I am also worried it might offend my actual mum if she heard me call her this.
My mum doesn't expect Dh to call her Mum, just by first name. I had never even heard of calling MILs Mum before.
Is this normal? What should I do?

My dad called my mums parents 'mum and dad' ive never thought it weird but equally i call PIL by their name.

My dad became very much part of my mums family so i dont know if that affects it.

My Mum's H used to call me his daughter and my son his grandson, he also tried to get me to call him Papa.

that would be a HELL NO, and I'd correct people every time.

It's presumptive and disrespectful of our REAL fathers/mothers.

He, however, is a complete arse anyway and we're NC with him and my DM due to their treatment of me and my DS.

Thanks so much for answering my question OP. I think you are going to have to be a little braver and make it clear that NO, you won't be calling her mum, because she isn't your mum. Perhaps even acknowledge the fact that as much as she wants you to call her mum and won't seemingly take the hint, that you won't ever be calling her something she is not. You will call her and that is fine.

I wonder if this is trying to assert some kind of hierarchy? so you are 'beneath' her in the tree as it were? Calling her her name puts you on equals status, perhaps this is what she is trying to achieve?

I have a Mum and I don't need another....that's what I told my MIL almost 25 years ago. My DH gets on well with my Mum but has always called her by her name too.

Don't call her mum if you don't want to.She isn't your mum. You already have one.
You can't use the term just to keep her happy.

My Dil calls me by my first name unless she s after a favour, in which case it's 'muuuum, will you....'😁. I was expected to call my Mil mum, but she's now 87 and it was done that way when she was a new Dil. It never sat well with me, and I avoid it wherever possible. My own mum would hate it, too.

My Dil calls me by my first name unless she s after a favour, in which case it's 'muuuum, will you....'😁. I was expected to call my Mil mum, but she's now 87 and it was done that way when she was a new Dil. It never sat well with me, and I avoid it wherever possible. My own mum would hate it, too.

I'd say it loud and proud in front of your H, FIL, anyone and everyone too. shes trying to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do

she knows damned well she's doing it too.

I'd say it loud and proud in front of your H, FIL, anyone and everyone too. shes trying to manipulate you into doing something you don't want to do

she knows damned well she's doing it too.

How old fashioned, prevous generations did this, often because the husband would refer to his wife as "mother" or "mum. There is no way I would expect my sons' other halves to call me by anything other than my first name. No one has a right to usurp the position of someone else's mother. Stick to your guns OP, you only have one mum, and it isn't your mother-in-law.

Not quite the same situation, but my MIL randomly changed her name by deed poll about 15 years ago. Not just her first name or surname but both, so instead of being, say, Doris Smith she is now Felicity Carmichael. She did this mainly because she is batshit.

Anyway, I have successfully spent the last 15 years avoiding addressing her by any name at all as I just can't bring myself to say the new one.

It's amazing how you can get away with it. "Want a cup of tea?" And you just look in her direction instead of saying "want a cup of tea, Felicity?"

So in other words OP, just don't call her anything - it's dead easy.

Their Christmas card to DH and me is signed mum and dad. My birthday cards are signed with their names. I call them by their names. I had my own mam and dad.
To DS and DD I call them Granny and Grandad.

Something that I never resolved and we've been married over 25 years. They were adamant they were Mum and Dad, I was adamant they weren't.

I got around it by not addressing them by name at all which could be awkward if FIL answered and I wanted to speak to MIL. Phrases such as, "is the boss there" got trotted out. When talking to other people about them, I say DH's Mum... Which can get really confusing when I'm out with my SIL's DH or talking to friends of SIL

When DD1 was born, I just started using Gran/Grandad - I guess there is now an uneasy truce but it still niggles (and has become a bit of a joke amongst DH's siblings partners.)

My parents were brilliant, they asked DH if he'd rather call them Mum/Dad or by their names. He opted for the later but still won't fight my corner with his parents.

I think that, with hindsight, I should have just referred to them to their face as Mother-in-Law/Father-in-Law. "Would you like a coffee, MIL?", "FIL could I speak to MIL".

(Apart from this one huge (for me anyway) issue, they are absolutely wonderful and we get on really well)

Causing trouble is a way of getting attention.
My mum is a bit like your mil, and direct works best. Cut through all the light hearted but desperate comments with
" I have tried, but I just can't call you mum, it feels all wrong, and disrespectful to my Mum"

I call my MIL Mum because it seemed the natural thing to do and she wanted it. She is my MUM-in-law, but I'm older and it does seem that things have changed. None of my DIL's wanted to call me Mum so they don't and that's fine. It's something that needs to be agreed on both sides and I wouldn't want any of them to do something that they were uncomfortable with. Not that I was particularly comfortable with someone who was a DAUGHTER-in-law calling me by my first name, but I got used to it.

I call my MIL Mum because it seemed the natural thing to do and she wanted it. She is my MUM-in-law, but I'm older and it does seem that things have changed. None of my DIL's wanted to call me Mum so they don't and that's fine. It's something that needs to be agreed on both sides and I wouldn't want any of them to do something that they were uncomfortable with. Not that I was particularly comfortable with someone who was a DAUGHTER-in-law calling me by my first name, but I got used to it.

Having lost my mum at just 20, there is no way i would ever call anyone else that.

Having lost my mum at just 20, there is no way i would ever call anyone else that.

I called my MiL Mum. Didn't feel strange at the time.

Both DSs' GFs call me Ma in a fun way but also use my given name.

Do what feels right for you.

PuppyMonkey, what do you do when you have to get her attention, make her realise that she's the one you're talking to? Do you say, 'Hey you, DH's mum, would you like a cup of tea?' My MIL has hearing difficulties so that happens quite a bit, she asks, 'Sorry, were you talking to me?'

Don't know if it makes a difference but I've been with dh since I was 19 so before I was a proper grown up. Now I'm in my 30's I think it would feel weird to meet in-laws at my age and call them mum and dad.

I've known my PIL since we were both at school, but until we got married, I think I was supposed to call them Mr and Mrs - so it was all a bit of a mess. (My sister knew all this and a couple of hours before my wedding, my sister asked what the hell she was supposed to do, refer to them as Mr & Mrs? I said, that is what they probably expect and she said to hell with that and has always most pointedly called them by their first names)

You could start calling her DH's mum .... as in hello Bob's mum, what have you been doing today Bob's mum, Bob's mum would you like a cup of tea ..... you get the idea. So she's sort of getting what she wants and so are you. Plus she might realise how stupid it sounds and drop the idea

It has a massive ICK factor for me, too. 😖

I don't know anyone who does this.

Bottom line - she can't force you to do it, and neither can your DH, so just carry on the way you are and blithely ignore all the PA digs, flapping and fussing from the two of them.

I call mine Mum. It just happened naturally over a few years. A big family and large gathering of sil and bils and everyone calls her mum so it would have felt odd to have called her by her first name. I don't think anything of it. It's just a word.

Ex mil wanted me to call her mum.
First time I met her, just call me mum. I laughed it off thinking she was joking.
We ended up moving around the corner from her. All the time, call me mum. Told her no, your arent my mum.
She told anyone who listened I wouldn't call her mum. Wasnt unanimous who was right.
In the end, I snapped and said how about I call you the nagging old dragon. Seems more fitting.

I dont even call my own mum it.

I've been with my DH since I was 15 and now we're heading towards 50. MIL still isn't my Mum....otherwise DH and I are in a very dodgy relationship