To not want to call MIL Mum?

[sunshinelolipops]

My MIL wants me to call her Mum and gets upset if I call her by her first name. I talked to Dh about it and he doesn't get the problem and thinks this is a normal thing to do. He is very defensive of his Mum.
I don't feel close to MIL and it feels awkward and weird to call her Mum. I am very close to my actual Mum. At the same time I don't want to upset her and have been humouring it but don't know how long I can keep it up for. I am also worried it might offend my actual mum if she heard me call her this.
My mum doesn't expect Dh to call her Mum, just by first name. I had never even heard of calling MILs Mum before.
Is this normal? What should I do?

I think it might be a generational thing , my BIL calls my mum ‘mum’ and he’s only 8 yrs younger than her , it really grates on my nerves . ( one of many things he does that grate on my nerves and one day I will flip out and tell him )

My mum was expected to call my dad's mother who she disliked 'mummy'. Ugghhh. She compromised and called her 'Ma' It suited granny

Can you find a compromise name which is motherly-ish but not mum?

Wtf I have literally never of heard this. You get one mum or at least get to pick someone who you consider worthy of the title. Who'd be so egotistical to be like "I'm now as important to you as the woman who brought you up" and insist on it? Nope.

My MIL is an old school feminist and would actually throw me out of her house if did this. Or at least have a quiet word with DH to make sure I wasn't having some sort of breakdown.

Both my Grandmothers died before I was six but tbh I don't remember my mum ever calling my Granda anything...? I suppose their face-to-face interactions were limited so she was able to get away with just referring to him as "your Da" or "your Granda".

My MIL asked me if I would call her Mum. I very awkwardly said no. She was a bit taken aback as that’s what’s always been done in her family but it was a new concept to me! Plus my own mum had passed away many years before when I was very young so it didn’t sit right with me. And aside from all that, she’s not my mum. She’s fine now that I call her by her first name and I think she would have been offended has my DH been calling someone else Mum.

I find this all a bit weird. I don't know anyone who calls their MIL 'mum'. I call her and FIL by their first names. I have a friend who's been with his now wife since they were about 16. Around 30 years and he still calls his PIL 'Mr and Mrs Surname'. Oddly enough his wife calls his parents by their first names.

my SiL does this, not sure if it was her idea or my DMs but it really irks me

Just say no... as long as she insists your h calls your DM mum too...

She’s not having any issue at all in making you feel uncomfortable, or offending you... don’t allow her to be so fragile when it suits

But I do think previous generations shied away from using first names, as it was considered rude. My MIL was perplexed at the idea of me calling her by her first name. It then led to my SIL calling her by her first name, she didn't call her anything initially apparently and then it was Grandma when they had children. (She and BIL got married long before I was on the scene.)

Never called my ils by anything but their first names. My first husband called my mother Mum, his died when he was 13 and he loved my mum very much.

I was instructed to call MIL Mum and can’t possibly use her first name. Married 20 yrs and I have never addressed her, or FIL directly.

Oh, and birthday cards to me are signed DH’s mum & dad. I don’t know what DH writes on cards to them, I never look.

My mum was made to call her PIL Mum and Dad, but, I think, hated it. Those PIL - my grandparents - tried to get my DH to call them granny & grandad and looked quite affronted when I said he’d had a granny and grandad and my grandparents weren’t his granny and grandad. The also found it odd that my DH calls my parents by their first names. I think it’s a cultural thing for them as I’ve noticed that my cousin’s DHs call my aunt and uncle Mum & Dad.

When my grandparents asked, I think they thought I was just going to fix DH for them and were really surprised when I stood my ground. I’d be even firmer about calling someone other than my mum ‘Mum’. I love my mum and we have a really strong bond. No one else has been there all my life like my own parents and I think they deserve to exclusively be ‘Mum’ and ‘Dad’ to me.

I call my MIL lots of things, usually evil, twisted, manipulative, sneaky, lying, ungrateful, resentful, biased, bitch, cow, hag, witch, devil, hound from hell.

On that note DH doesn't call her Mum either, he refers to her by her first name as he says she has never felt like a mother to him and he doesn't see her as one!

My mum called her mil 'mum', at mil's request. My two sil's call my mum 'mum', but they are both foreign so I don't know if that is usual in their home countries or if they are just especially fond of my mum.
I called my own mil by her name - I couldn't bring myself to use mum or dad for anyone other than my actual parents.

I think its weird. BIL's mum insists on all 3 of her DIL's calling her mum. It sounds wrong!

I call MIL by her name if I have to, try to avoid situations where its necessary. I'd feel daft introducing her to people as my mum, we look nothing alike (tall brunette vs short blonde, totally different face structure and build) but she does introduce me to people as her daughter.

It’s honestly not wierd at all in some communities.

My FIL asked me to call him Dad, I was quite touched but I had to politely decline, would have been too weird, he's not my dad.
As for MIL, I have to get DH to write her birthday card as I just can't write the word "Mum" in reference to her, she makes my skin crawl. (DH can't stand her either but he has no choice)

I do know a bloke who calls his PIL Mum and Dad though, I always find it confusing as I don't know if he's referring to his own parents or his wife's.

It’s not weird. I call Pil mum & dad, dh does the same with mine. In some more traditional greek families it’s mother/father. It would be viewed as extremely rude & disrespectful to call PIL by first names.

I call my PIL ma and pa.

My MIL was very keen for me to call her Mum, which I did when I was with her, as it was a simple way to please her.

I never thought of her as Mum though, and always referred to her as Mrs * when speaking about her to my own Mum. They lived far apart so never met.

Once I'd had a baby, MIL became Nana, so problem solved.

YANBU and she’s being ridiculous. She knows you have your own Mum, it’s perfectly fine not to want to call your MIL Mum.

Very interesting thread. As a PP said, this harks back to the days when we had respect our "elders and betters" and to use the forename of someone who was older was unacceptably over-familiar, an absolute no-no.

Non-family members had to be addressed as "Mr. or Mrs. Whatever", but very close friends of your parents could be called" Auntie or Uncle X", so not as formal as Mr. or Mrs. but not as informal as just the forename.

Calling in-laws "Mum and Dad" was a handy device for addressing that relationship, but is thankfully dying out, as we realise being older doesn't make you better and we can call everyone by their actual names. Next challenge, calling the queen Betty instead of ma'am...

Stick to your guns, OP. Just laugh and tell her it's the 21st century and only old fogeys are so formal.

Wtf I have literally never of heard this.

Thank god someone else thinks this. I thought I'd slipped into a parallel universe. I thought the OP was funny, and have literally been getting more and more slackjawed as I've read the thread and seen how common this apparently is. It's not often I'm grateful for my ILs, but in this small respect I finally am.

That would make you & your husband - brother & sister...!!! 🤢🤢🤮

My first mil/fil were mum and dad (early 80's) and it was fine - the done thing I think and expected of the younger generation. Second mil/fil were first names. I just decided that actually, I only have one mum and one dad. I also don't insist my children call all adults aunty or uncle as it was for my generation. Times have changed but, mil's can be a bit funny about it.