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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Inappropriate cashier

76 replies

Kentnurse2015 · 17/01/2018 20:13

Throwing this out as DH thinks I am unreasonable

3 year old gave cashier the ham she had carried around the shop with her. Cashier scans it and hides it. Says she can only get it back if she smiles.

Cashier a stranger to DD so she won’t smile. Asks for her ham. Cashier then says she will only get it back if she gets a kiss.DD turns away. I say to her she doesn’t have to and says to cashier ‘she is shy’ to avoid conflict’

Female cashier continues to say she wants a kiss. DD hung around my legs by now. Cashier comes out from around the till, kneels down to my DD’s level and kisses her on the cheek despite my child saying no and me saying she doesn’t have to.

Cashier wasn’t English but European. My DH thinks I am overreacting. A culture thing. I think a child saying no means no. I also tried to put her off without making a scene. I want my child to know they can say no to an adult. I see this as quite serious and DH thinks not.

AIBU? I know I probably should have said no much more forcibly but that would have made a scene. My child was saying no.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kentnurse2015 · 17/01/2018 21:11

I just totally didn’t think she would so my daughter was round my leg and I leaned over to sort my son out in the pram and that was it. She was there level with my daughter kissing her.

I hate that I should have done more. I will never let anything like that pass again.

I’m glad you don’t (Generally) think I am overreacting

OP posts:

BewareOfDragons · 17/01/2018 21:13

Your DH thinks you're overreacting? Seriously?!

Wow.

Ask him how he's going to feel when she goes out with some guy in 15 years and he demands she kiss him before he takes her home. Or because he paid for a movie. Or before he'll let her leave the room/the flat/the building they're in.

Your DD has a right to not have to hug or kiss or smile for anyone she doesn't want to. She has a right not to be touched, especially by strangers. Don't teach her otherwise.

zzzzz · 17/01/2018 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cantfindname · 17/01/2018 21:19

Strangely I encountered the complete opposite of this story the other week. Cashier was looking a bit upset and shaken, she was my usual cashier and I asked if she was ok.
A mother (also European) was with a grizzling and very snotty small child and she had asked what was wrong. Mother said 'Oh she wants you to kiss her better!' Cashier said she didn't think that was a very good idea (obviously didn't fancy being slimed with snot from a strange child) Mother picked up the child, thrust it across the belt and demanded the cashier 'kiss it better' Cashier compromised and blew a kiss but she was actually quite shaken up.

LemonShark · 17/01/2018 21:19

I really don't think OP is overreacting.

RaininSummer · 17/01/2018 21:21

Well even if its cultural it isn't part of British culture so their staff may need some training.

Original poster

Kentnurse2015 · 17/01/2018 21:22

@zzzzz I feel guilty you are correct but I don’t feel I am overreacting to feel uncomfortable about it!

OP posts:

StopCallingMeShirley · 17/01/2018 21:25

Had a similar thing over Christmas with a friend's mother insisting that DS7 should give her a kiss in order to get a present from her. He doesn't know the woman well and was clearly uncomfortable. I didn't want to make a scene because she is a vicious narcissistic bitch who makes her son's life hell when stood up to so I was quietly saying to him that it was ok, he didn't have to give her a kiss, that she was only messing with him etc. But DH insisted that he had to kiss her to be polite, because she was insisting it would be rude not to.

We had a chat after the event where I pointed out to him that it went against everything I had been trying to teach our sons about consent. He somewhat sheepishly agreed, he just hadn't considered that this needed to be taught from childhood for some reason.

quizqueen · 17/01/2018 21:26

I had to re-read this to make sure I'd got the facts clear in my mind. What cashier anywhere thinks they can come from behind the till and demand a kiss from a stranger's child and you stood there and let it happen. You should have made a scene. Sorry, I would have held my child out of the way, said her behaviour was totally inappropriate and demanded to speak immediately to the manager.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 17/01/2018 21:26

I’m a pretty tactile person and roll my eyes at the posters wanting to kill anyone who so much as touches their baby, but I’d have asked her what the hell she thought she was doing?! Very loudly. I’d have made it clear that it was totally unacceptable. The child said NO. NO means NO.

BossyBitch · 17/01/2018 21:28

Completely bizarre! I've lived on the continent for going on 6 years and, unless she was from a completely different corner than where I am, it'd be considered just as strange around these parts.

Louiselouie0890 · 17/01/2018 21:33

I was a bit like you OP. Didn't like making a scene, struggled with being polite but being heard but after an incident I changed. A man tried to take my pram off me luckily his carer stepped in straight away police were called etc. Ever since I've not struggled with being stern so maybe like me this incident will help you for next time. Try not to beat youself up I know the guilt is hard x

Original poster

Kentnurse2015 · 17/01/2018 21:35

Next time (there will hopefully not be a next time!) I will make as much of a scene as I need. I guess I thought no from a child, cuddled around their parent’s leg while the parent has audibly told her she doesn’t need to do anything is enough. Obviously not.

That is a horrid thought

OP posts:

Missingstreetlife · 17/01/2018 21:36

Yanbu, poor child will be scared of shopping and ham!
What is the matter with men, don't they know children are impressionable?

Original poster

Kentnurse2015 · 17/01/2018 21:36

Thank you to everyone

OP posts:

MeadowHay · 17/01/2018 21:40

Whilst I totally get why you feel the way you do, and understand the consensus on this thread, my dad comes from a culture where it's normal for people to kiss young children/babies when they see them and indeed has done to essentially strangers babies/children in certain situations. Luckily nobody has ever reacted badly but I know DM always has a heart attack for fear of it going down badly. He wouldn't if child had said 'no', but then he generally wouldn't ask a child for a kiss, he would just do it, as that's what they do in that culture. He tries to remember not to, but it's difficult to change ingrained habits I guess especially when it comes to something as emotive as seeing a cute little baby and instinctively going to kiss it.

Clearly this country has very different cultural norms on this issue and I understand why people would be fuming/upset/whatever. Thought I should share nonetheless.

Louiselouie0890 · 17/01/2018 21:41

There was a next time with mine. I had a woman act like she knew me I said sorry your mistaken and she went to say hi and hold out her hand to my son and she had blood all over her hands. I whipped him away and moved both my kids behind me and said no we do not know you and she moved away instantly. I'm not one for no one to touch or look or interact with my kids but bloody hands is my limit lol

MeadowHay · 17/01/2018 21:41

Also agree with PP who say staff need appropriate training - I'd consider reporting it to the store for that reason mainly so that they don't continue to do it to other children.

Myunicornissparklyblack · 17/01/2018 21:51

Wrong, wrong, wrong. Doesn't matter how old your DD is, it's her body, her personal space and she needs to learn that NO-ONE can invade it without her permission. Certainly not a total stranger whose an adult!

Sarahh2014 · 17/01/2018 21:52

Nah that's not on if that had happened with my ds id have told her to stop being a weirdo and give me the fucking ham 😞

helenoftroyville · 17/01/2018 21:56

This was unacceptable.

You should have put an immediate stop to it before it went that far.

Although I understand you were probably a bit shell shocked by the inappropriateness of it all.

Chocolate50 · 17/01/2018 22:02

We were in another country when my DS was little & they seem to love children (in a good way) in some cultures, the boundaries just aren't there. This woman randomly comes up to us in a hotel & picked him up, turned him upside down, it was in a playful way but my DS flipped completely, started crying really did not like it. The woman got the message straight away.
I didn't think of complaining as I could see that it was a harmless lack of judgment of her part. I would be worried about losing the cashier her job, she was obvs unaware of any harm she was doing? That said my thinking would be to ask the manager to have a quiet word with her with no disciplinary action. I know it wasn't appropriate but like you said you could've dealt with it at the time - it then wouldn't have had to be escalated.

ApproachingATunnel · 17/01/2018 22:13

I would go back to the shop and speak to a manager- the cashier needs to learn that you don’t kiss random children against their and their parent’s will. Not in this country.
I’m surprised you was so meek, I would have gotten shirty at the point where she hid the ham - you paid for it, ffs!

WellThisIsShit · 17/01/2018 22:16

I hope the store deals with it well, because it isn’t ok to run the gauntlet of this kind of thing when just trying to buy some ham!

Talkingfrog · 17/01/2018 22:20

I have had a cashier tease my dd by saying he didn't have an item he has scanned and hiding it, but he could see that my dd was (6) enjoying the interaction while I packed the bags. Perfectly fine as it was my dd that had started a conversation.

Your young child made it clear, and so did you as a parent, that she did not want to take part in any conversation, so the cashier was completely wrong. Asking for a smile seems OK, but when she got a negative response she should have just handed the ham over and probably apologised incase she had upset her.
It is also not appropriate for any adult to continue to interact with a child if the parent says no, as they don't know what the child has been told regarding strangers.

I can understand in the circumstances why you did not say anything at the time. (you were probably still surprised, dd was upset so you just wanted to leave).
I would still report it to the manager, either by email, phone or in person. If it makes you feel better you can say that you are making them aware, but don't want it to be completed as a complaint. If you still have the receipt it will them them who the cashier was. She may be normally very good with customers and children, but needs to know when it us not appropriate.

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