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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this serious

91 replies

Doiber292 · 17/01/2018 19:02

Who is BU unreasonable here? Will keep neutral so not to bias anyone.

DD is having issues with boyfriend of four years. She is 18. She wants to break up with him due to a variety of issues but she also fears she'll miss him.

Out of me and DH-

one of us thinks she should be careful and not make any rash decisions as it's a serious relationship and she could regret it forever

the other thinks she's 18 for fucks sake, going back to uni in January and that as it's her first ever boyfriend this was bound to happen. And that if anything it'll be good in the end as her boyfriend is very quiet and not like her and holds her back socially. So although upsetting not a life changing decision

Who is BU?

Btw we don't actually get involved, we just discuss our DDs life. We would never say this to her,m

OP posts:

FucksBizz · 17/01/2018 19:56

@Doiber292

I think that's all you can do really. It's her decision. I think you're right though.

Bratsandtwats · 17/01/2018 20:01

a 4 year relationship at 18? That's fucking ridiculous.

Whilst I see your point, my PILs got together at 14 and 65 years later are still happily married.

However, if the OPs daughter is having second thoughts then yes, I agree with point 2.

whitecremeegg · 17/01/2018 20:02

I stayed with my boyfriend and married him :)

Although he went to a college near my university so he'd still see me every day.

I did try to dump him, he was persistent

We have a DD now and been together 20 years.

feellikeanalien · 17/01/2018 20:03

Most of the people I knew at university who had boyfriends/girlfriends at home usually ended up splitting.
When I left for uni I had a boyfriend at home who I'd been with since we were 14. We split after my first term as my life had totally changed.

Funnily enough I still think of him very fondly and do wonder if perhaps he was the one that got away. Hindsight - - and several subsequent shitty relationships- - makes you think all kind of strange things!

IceBearRocks · 17/01/2018 20:03

Dolber my nephew is in the same position.hes 17 and she's 18. He's learning to drive and she can. They've been together since 14 but both very quiet around us!
My other nephew is 32 and been with His fiancée since 14. They have 2 kids and own Thier own home. She's a nurse and he's a plumber !!!

Who knows !!???

Hippydippydoo · 17/01/2018 20:05

The answer is simply...
"She want to break up with him..." Therefore she should break up with him.

Yep she might regret it, or she may not, nobody knows, but she has to make her own decisions.

She's 18, whatever decision she makes it's unlikely to be life changing.

DiegoMadonna · 17/01/2018 20:05

It's normal to fear ending a long-term relationship at any age, but especially your first one when you have no experience of a breakup.

I think every teenager/young adult thinks "what if he/she is the one and I regret it forever", and "I've been with them so long, I'm just going to miss this normality and won't be able to handle it". But 99.9% of the time, they move on and are fine and eventually find someone with whom they are more compatible anyway.

Those who stay with somebody that they aren't compatible with just because they're scared of missing them, however, usually do regret it afterwards. I speak from experience there.

Graphista · 17/01/2018 20:07

Funnily enough how he reacts if (hopefully when) she dumps him will tell her straight away whether it was correct decision.

From your description I suspect he'll react in a worrying way. He sounds a bit of a Peter Pan who hates change.

Also not surprised

Mum = have some fun

Dad = noo stay my innocent little girl and marry the first boy you EVER thought wasn't ew

I have to say if her dads giving one side of the debate it's only fair she hears the other side too. So I'm not sure you not saying ANYTHING is right. I'm 45 I still ask my mum for advice! (Not on men she has shit choice in men and yes I mean my dad)

juddyrockingcloggs · 17/01/2018 20:08

I'm with person 2 - a 4 year relationship at 18? That's fucking ridiculous

Why is it 'ridiculous'?! In lots of cases it doesn't work but in lots of others including mine, it does! It's not ridiculous!

However, having said that, it's your daughter who wants to end things, so end things she should not for any other reason than that she wants to!

Bouledeneige · 17/01/2018 20:12

Yup option 2. Uni is a great time to be foot loose and fancy free.

My best friend always regrets 'wasting' her university years by keeping up her relationship with the boyfriend from home throughout her time at college. They split up later and she feels she missed out entirely on the whole experience.

Others simply dump or get dumped after a term.

BashStreetKid · 17/01/2018 20:13

Very few people ever regret dumping the boyfriend they had at 14. If anything they end up wondering what on earth they saw in him.

AdoraBell · 17/01/2018 20:16

Her decision completely, but second person is right and First is BU.

caoraich · 17/01/2018 20:18

Aw, you sound like my mum - who in many ways I wish had said something more committal!

I had a very serious boyfriend from 14-17, when I went off to uni. He was absolutely lovely, we were best friends first but he had no drive, we grew apart and he was very reluctant for me to leave. It took me ages to decide to go and in the end I felt so bad about it I didn't dump him and we struggled awkwardly on - we ended up breaking up early in my first term and I wish I'd done it in the summer and not dragged things out (and not had a boyfriend in freshers week!)

I did ask my parents very vaguely what they thought. They were lovely and supportive and told me that whatever I did they'd support me. It was only much later that I found out my mum thought almost exactly what you said above -
I think she needs to bite the bullet and just break ties. He was her best friend before they started dating, and I think it's the familiarity

On the plus side, we did stay in touch and although we're not best friends he is one of my few schoolfriends I still see. We meet every so often for a nice catch up, he's still in touch with my dad due to a shared hobby and my DP of 10 years gets on well with him. When asked we say that we "dated when we were kids", and recently I set him up with a single friend.

Anyway maybe this is a story you can gently tell your DD. Perhaps a "friend of a friend" told you it or something!

Octopus37 · 17/01/2018 20:18

MustRemember I think what your Grandma said would be the right thing to say to her to soften things, but I am firmly in the 2 camp

Katheen80 · 17/01/2018 20:43

I was in your daughter's position, I hadn't been with him for as long (2 years I think). I had the same dilemma but decided to stick with him...I broke up with him in the first term after having missed a lot of the fresher fun!!! He kept turning up to visit (a surprise, not organised) and it was sweet but did start to irritate me a little as I was trying to make new friends etc and he would just want to go for dinner (he was a litttle older though so wasn't interested in hanging around with students etc)

Honestly, I felt so free once is done it, I had the best time after that, no ties or missing out on things...looking back, I knew I didn't want to continue it before I went and I do feel a bit bad that he became a bit of a security blanket for me in the first weeks, had him to turn to but when I realised what was around me I knew I couldn't maintain the relationship. You are not being unreasonable, she is so young, she needs to get out there and enjoy it!!

GreasyFryUp · 17/01/2018 21:27

If I were your DD I'd want your opinion. You aren't really an adult at 18, you haven't had that much experience of life. Not that you need to tell her what to do just give her your opinion and explain why. She'll still make her own mind up but it would benefit her to think about things maybe she hadn't thought of.

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