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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this serious

91 replies

Doiber292 · 17/01/2018 19:02

Who is BU unreasonable here? Will keep neutral so not to bias anyone.

DD is having issues with boyfriend of four years. She is 18. She wants to break up with him due to a variety of issues but she also fears she'll miss him.

Out of me and DH-

one of us thinks she should be careful and not make any rash decisions as it's a serious relationship and she could regret it forever

the other thinks she's 18 for fucks sake, going back to uni in January and that as it's her first ever boyfriend this was bound to happen. And that if anything it'll be good in the end as her boyfriend is very quiet and not like her and holds her back socially. So although upsetting not a life changing decision

Who is BU?

Btw we don't actually get involved, we just discuss our DDs life. We would never say this to her,m

OP posts:

Original poster

Doiber292 · 17/01/2018 19:13

Okay I'm person two.

And I know it's not my business, but DH and I do discuss our kids lives, we were worried about her and he has very different opinions.

To be honest I'm relieved- he does nothing, barely speaks to me, after four years I barely know the boyfriend... he's very quiet and seems to have no drive. DD on the other other hand is sparky, going to uni and so much more mature. She almost didn't go to uni this year because of him!

I think she'll have a much better time if she can date different guys, mess around a bit and be a normal teenager. Her boyfriend is very big on 'forever.' It's a bit unsettling how serious he is and I know DD doesn't want to be with him forever- hence why I think she should just cut ties now. She's 18, uni fresher- no time better than now

DH thinks they're meant to be and will get married and stay together. He actually seriously thinks that.

OP posts:

Chienrouge · 17/01/2018 19:13

TBH I still miss my first boyfriend (we were together from 16-24) despite being happily married. We weren’t right together but I still loved him and enjoyed his company. I miss him like I’d miss a close friend who was in my life for that long and then suddenly wasn’t.

seafoodeatit · 17/01/2018 19:14

Completely agree with person 2! The relationship seems to have run its course too.

Ponshuspirate · 17/01/2018 19:14

Dump him, at 18 her life is just beginning.

badass80 · 17/01/2018 19:15

Dump him and have the best time sh@gging at uni (with protection of course)

Original poster

Doiber292 · 17/01/2018 19:16

And it is four years, scarily. They were kids when they got together. It's scary thinking about it

Another part of me is scared if she stays with him whilst at uni she'll eventually never end it and will end up agreeing to marry him or something silly just as they've been together so long

I think she needs to bite the bullet and just break ties. He was her best friend before they started dating, and I think it's the familiarity

Ideally they can break up, and hopefully me day be friends again as they were best friends from 10-14 years

Again just my opinion. I won't be voicing this to DD- she's an adult and I won't influence her

OP posts:

RaptorsCantPlayPoker · 17/01/2018 19:16

4 year relationship at 18? That's fucking ridiculous

Not necessarily. My parents started dating at 15. They’re 60 now and still going strong.

It’s unusual yes but not unheard of.

for OP’s DD, I think the second person is right.

BewareOfDragons · 17/01/2018 19:17

I'm with Parent 2.

Rash decisions?!? REally?! She's 18 and been dating him since she was 15ish! Most people would be surprised they've dated this long at that age.

She should go off to University and meet new people and experience new things. Figure out who she herself is, too...

I've told my DCs that pretty much all their future relationships will end, except for the (hopefully) one they end up marrying. It's what happens, and I hope they date lots of different people to see what works for them.

Original poster

Doiber292 · 17/01/2018 19:17

Chienrouge- that's it! That's why she's struggling. He's her best friend as well as her boyfriend. That's what she's scared of losing

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 17/01/2018 19:18

@Fucksbizz

Maybe I've been a touch hyperbolic...

I just find the idea of being in such a serious relationship from 14 really daft.

Maybe it's just so far removed from my life experience that it seems utterly insane. The girls I met at uni who had these serious relationships were always oddly focused on the relationship rather than actually experiencing university beyond lectures. It feels very limiting.

Of course you are quite right - because I think it's ridiculous doesn't mean it is!!

Chienrouge · 17/01/2018 19:20

It is tough. I felt like I was nearly in the situation you’re frightened of though... thinking I almost had to marry him because we’d been together so long.
Breaking up was probably the best thing I did, but I missed him a lot! I’m happily married with 2DC now, as is he.

lolaflores · 17/01/2018 19:22

At 18, life changes in a blink. Love one minute, can't bothered in a weeks time. She is at UNI....she should be out there, savouring all that there is. Not watching it all roll past undetected from within the flowery bower...or something. You get what I mean.
Its what 18 is about.
She will regret missing the long, funny, exciting nights out with friends when she has kissed someone, then someone else and gone home none the worse for it.
Live.

Mrsmadevans · 17/01/2018 19:22

She needs to finish it and enjoy herself OP. It sounds as if he is a limpet . I only hope she can finish it and he leaves her alone and doesn't harrass her. Good luck to her support her all the way OP.

febel · 17/01/2018 19:25

If she doesn't feel he's the one for her she should dump/have a break. If he IS the one for her, even if they part for now, then things will work out and they will end up together. She's 18 it's her life and up to her what she does. If it's a mistake she will learn by it.
My daughter has just split up from her partner of 8 years, they met at uni. But they have both changed, and changed in different directions, so the relationship doesn't work any more. She wishes she hadn't hoped it would improve...she feels she has wasted at least 2 years whilst thinking things might improve..and yes, she did talk to him, but, he couldn't or wouldn't change. He's not "the one" obvs.

MonumentalAlabaster · 17/01/2018 19:26

It is VU to use the phrase "they're meant to be" where an 18 year old is concerned - she is only just beginning to find out who she is, what she wants and university is expanding her horizons and helping her do that. It sounds as if she is outgrowing him and taking the painful decision to let the relationship go.

PerspicaciaTick · 17/01/2018 19:26

The key thing is that your DD wants to end the relationship - that is all that matters.

I went off the uni and also stayed with my boyfriend from home (who became my DH and 30 years later we are still together). The difference is that I wanted the relationship to continue.

Dozer · 17/01/2018 19:26

He ceased being a “best friend” when he became her bf. If she didn’t maintain outside friendships during the relationship that was a mistake and a useful lesson.

She’ll probably have a much better time at uni single if he’s over heavy and asocially awkward. I stayed with my high school bf until nearly the end of uni - 6 years in total! But the relationship was going well (until it wasn’t), we both had separate friends etc.

Opaldaisies · 17/01/2018 19:28

Plenty more fish in the sea

18 is just the right age to catch them and throw them back if not suitable.

I would only feel more like your DH if the BF was equally as sparkly, engaging, charismatic etc and loved and respected your DD in a really special way. In other words, a rare and special catch.

But even then I still would think that if she wants to be free, she wants to be free. So would still be Person B

FucksBizz · 17/01/2018 19:29

@MerryOldGoat

Thank you. Yes, I agree, the idea of a serious relationship at 14 is alien to me too, and hopefully my children.

It's very easy to slip into a 'this is familiar and safe' complacency in long term relationships. The decision to end a relationship of this length would be a bit intimidating for anyone, regardless of age.

Op, just raising the question, you don't have to answer it, and I'm not trying to start a fight , but do you think you wanting DD to end the relationship is influenced by your dislike for the boy or is it entirely that you want her to get more out of her life?

Original poster

Doiber292 · 17/01/2018 19:29

I'm glad to hear you're happy now Chieneouge.

She's just worried as hes been such a big part of her life and it seems such a big change for her. Obviously she's only 18 so it seems like a major, life changing decision for her

I don't know how to explain it's not and that she'll be okay, that she doesn't want to tie herself down for life at 18 without sounding insensitive

She said she was going to go and break up with him tonight but is sat in her room putting it off. She's going to drive to his but I might drive her round as I don't think she's in a state to drive!

(She drives, he doesn't. He's been working for only three months despite finishing education in May. At college he has no job at all. DD on the other hand has worked since 16, bought a car, insurance and learnt to drive. BF hasn't even started lessons, despite having the money. Instead she picks him up and drives him everywhere. This is an example of what annoys her and one of the ways in which he seems to have no desire to do anything. He works now but part time, 18 hours a week. No further education)

She knows she wants to do break up with him deep down but she's scared

Also DDs boyfriend IS very lazy and seems to have no 'give' in wanting to do anything but he is still a nice guy, very kind, etc... but that's it.

OP posts:

greenmagpie · 17/01/2018 19:30

If she doesn't want to carry on going out with him she should break up with him.

Uni or not. I actually stayed with my boyfriend, put off uni for a year as we'd only just gotten together and wanted to decide what to do - then we both went to uni in the same city, now been happily married for over a decade. Going to uni isn't a reason to break up but nor is it a reason to stay together regardless.

Timmytoo · 17/01/2018 19:30

I think your husband wants her to be with him as he knows him and trusts him with her. He's probabaly crapping himself thinking of all the guys that will now become available once the boyfriend is out of the window.

My dad wanted me to marry a 5 foot accounting geek because he was "sensible". I was not attracted to him at all. If it was up to my dad we'd still be together and married

Blackteadrinker77 · 17/01/2018 19:31

Time will tell who is right

WhiteCaribou · 17/01/2018 19:31

Hard to call this, I know that most people think option 2 is the sensible one , and they're probably right but.......

I had a bf from age 14 to 18. We split up, mainly through being a bit immature and not talking about things properly. Life moved on, we both missed each other but moved away from our home area and lost touch. He was my "one that got away" and I thought about him, dreamed about him a lot. Thirty years later we found each other again (friends reunited - cliché) both about to leave very unhappy marriages and we got back together and have now been married for 13 years. I still feel sadness for all those wasted years when we could have been together if we hadn't been so young and silly. So, number 2 could be the right decision for her as you all feel, but it may not.

greenmagpie · 17/01/2018 19:32

I should add that I was 17 when we got together (big difference from 14!) and neither of us was thinking 'forever' at any point before or during Uni!

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