Is this serious

[Doiber292]

Who is BU unreasonable here? Will keep neutral so not to bias anyone.

DD is having issues with boyfriend of four years. She is 18. She wants to break up with him due to a variety of issues but she also fears she'll miss him.

Out of me and DH-

• one of us thinks she should be careful and not make any rash decisions as it's a serious relationship and she could regret it forever

• the other thinks she's 18 for fucks sake, going back to uni in January and that as it's her first ever boyfriend this was bound to happen. And that if anything it'll be good in the end as her boyfriend is very quiet and not like her and holds her back socially. So although upsetting not a life changing decision

Who is BU?

Btw we don't actually get involved, we just discuss our DDs life. We would never say this to her,m

I don't dislike him Doiber, he's kind and loves her dearly. I'd never say any of this to DD and have never mentioned any of what I say here.

She's to me herself about this as she feels so stuck- she said herself he seeks lazy, never wants to do anything, go anywhere, and seems happy doing nothing.

I hope I haven't influenced her.

Your DD sounds like a wonderful young woman

BF, however, does not sound like the equivalent. Go up to her room and have a chat about uni, motivation, travel, work abroad, all the opportunities she might miss by being tied down at such a young age. No need to mention specifics unless she wants to, but you can certainly say that long term relationships can be limiting and stifling at this age, and sometimes relationships just run their course. She wants to do it, she just needs to take the plunge.

I'm sorry if I come across as an over involved mother

I don't say any of this to DD, I'll make that clear, she's an adult, I understand that. I'm just infuriated by DH putting ideas in her head of 'you'll regret it' (Yes he SAID that to a troubled, confused 18 year old!) and I have to vent somewhere!

At 18 i had a very lovely boyfriend. He was going off to one city to train as a policeman and i was going to uni in another city. He wanted us to get engaged. I did not want that at all and wanted space to enjoy uni. So i broke it off with him. We were both upset but in the end we both found other people and got married.

I don't know what i am trying to say other than that there is more than one person out there and you don't ever want to look back on time at uni and wish you had been free to have fun.

She wants to break up with him because of a number of issues is what she says. There fore they should go their separate ways especially she is going away to uni.

If she had a partner at home [if she hadn't expressed her wish to break up with present boyfriend] she wouldn't be able to be spontaneous, do things with others and enjoy herself.

She would have to check in with the boyfriend every holiday/break thus excluding all other new friends she may meet and having holidays/meeting up with them etc.

Yes, she probably will miss him. Then she will get over it and meet other people. If they are meant to be together they can hook up again in the future when they both know a bit more about themselves and life.

If I were you, I think i would raise my concerns about him with DD. It might help her see things differently, understanding how others see the relationship.

Why are you loathe to give her your opinion? She is old enough to hear it and take her own decisions.

I am biased because my - otherwise lovely - mother could and still can be interfering. I often didn’t follow her unsolicited advice but she was very often right!

And in this case she is clearly looking for support to go through with a hard but very good decision.

Nobody is actually BU you just have different opinions, which is fine. Could you both give her your opinion then step back and support her whatever she decides to do?

And in this case she is clearly looking for support to go through with a hard but very good decision

I second this.

He may be her best friend now, but university is a great place to meet people like you who you get on with really easily. It's also a great place to meet people you have some things in common with who have different outlooks, etc.

Her breaking up with him might give him the kick up the backside he needs at his age.

Team Person 2

I have no idea why your DH would advice her that she would regret it. It sounds controlling and unhelpful, just making your daughter more mixed up and unsure. She knows what's best for her and is finding it difficult to be the one to ask for the break up, and just needs support not someone being so negative.

Is your DH her Dad? In your position I would be a little bit concerned about my his poverty of ambition for his daughter - does he not see that this phase of her life is about opening out, discovering the world, trying things out etc? To settle for someone she's known since she was 14 is an odd attitude for a father to have - you'd expect him to see the bigger picture and to want her to realise her potential

I'm not sure that you have to avoid taking to her about this, it wouldn't be interfering or controlling - and 18 is very young. She hardly has any experiecne of her own to draw from.

Lots of adult women come on here to ask for advice about breaking up and we frequently hear how awful things were at the time but with hindsight it all worked out for the best, so if she brings it up, I would feel free to say that whatever she decides is unlikely to mar the rest of her life and be ready to discuss the pros and cons - it can be done without forcing the opinion on her. You are just providing information for her to use as she sees fit.

The fear of taking risks or chances and sticking the familiar could hold her back though and your DH will have an unconscious influence on her by his other behaviour in life.

but I wonder if your DH likes this boy simply because he is safe and a known quantity. Fari enough wanting his DD not to be hurt but he shouldn't be encouraging her to settle for just OK at this young age. I would feel free to say this as well!

The worst thing she could do is waste her uni years held back by a quiet home boy she met when she was 14. So much of life and love is learnt at university, I can see the future regrets she will be building up if she wastes these years stuck in the past.

A compromise would be for her to take a break from the relationship for several months to see other people and put her feelings in perspective.

I'm with person 2 as well. My ds1 has just split with his gf of 2.5 years and it was her decision but I was telling him it was bound to happen sooner or later and he's off to Uni soon and there's plenty more fish in the sea etc !!

@fucksbizz
“She definitely won't miss him. She'll wonder why she didn't do it sooner.”
Do you know the OPs daughter like?

No one regrets forever the boy they break up with at 18!

@overnightangel
I don't. I suspect I'm projecting somewhat I meant it generally, but phrased it too personally. I meant it in the sense that many teens are attached to the security and predictability of the relationship, not so much the person itself.
Apologies

@Lyrapotter phrased it much better than me. No one regrets forever the boy they break up with at 18!

This is the spirit my comment was intended in @overnightangel

Sorry if it annoyed you OP

I have given her advice, sorry. Maybe that wasn't clear. I have told her she's 18, it won't last throughout uni, many people feel having a boyfriend holds them back at uni.

I mean I haven't said to her "I don't like him, he's lazy" and been bluntly outright of what I think. Ie have given her advice but tried not to say I don't like him

I feel if I just say "yeah, he has nothing to him" I'm just biasing her. I'll give her relationship advice but I don't want to start being negative about boyfriend as I don't think that will help her

No worries, FucksBizz and great username

I understood what you meant

I would absolutely be telling her to follow what she believes is right - which is to break up with him.