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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Self Obsessed Teenager

60 replies

MyMarmitePurrs · 17/01/2018 10:09

First real post here so please be gentle. I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable or not !
Bit of background - my ExH left me and my daughter 13yrs ago when she was 3. He was a bit of a control freak and seems to be able to exert the same control over my daughter - guilt trips etc - he doesn't live in the same town as us so only sees her about 4 times a year for a week or so at a time.
Anyway - daughter is now 16 and is currently at college 4 days a week and works 3 nights a week in the local chippy (she refused to get a weekend job as she volunteers at a local stable on a Saturday. Even though she's earning anything up to £90 a week I still buy all her toiletries etc and basic clothes, she uses her wages for "niceties". I think her father is now putting pressure on her to quit her job - telling her that shes shouldn't have to work as he pays child support - so I should be able to afford anything she wants out of that. She announced to me last night that she plans to quit quite soon due to "family commitments". I didn't lose my rag- but I sat her down and asked her "How after having at least £50 a week to yourself do you think you'll manage on £5 a week pocket money" - which incidentally I still give her. Then explained that if she gave up a perfectly good job she couldn't expect me to start forking out £40 here and there for make - u, and how would she feel about going out bare-faced when she couldn't afford it herself and £70 for Converse just because her dad is putting pressure on her - WIBU ? Just looking for advice really as I feel it's time she grew up a bit and I now feel really guilty - sorry this is so long

OP posts:

MissionItsPossible · 17/01/2018 10:16

A self obsessed teenager? Have you alerted the media? Sorry, no advice OP but the title made me smile.

Trinity66 · 17/01/2018 10:17

What did she say when you asked her how she would manage her luxuries if she gave the job up?

tiptopteepe · 17/01/2018 10:20

I think you did the right thing!! You didnt get cross with her or anything you just explained the situation to her and I think that is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. All teens are self obsessed lol thats natural, but honestly it doesnt sound like the problem here, her dad sounds like the problem. You cant blame her for listening to an adult who is supposed to care for her can you? Its not her fault he tries to manipulate so Id just keep that in mind before you get too frustrated with her.

Original poster

MyMarmitePurrs · 17/01/2018 10:25

When I said I wouldn't pay for all her luxuries she just looked at me blankly like she expected things to just go back to how they were when she was 14 or 15 ! With regards to her father - I paid for private counselling for her last year as she wanted to learn how to stand up to him - this cost me £200, yet the minute he clicked his fingers she went there for 2 weeks against her will !! She has also cited college work as one of the reasons - yet when I suggested she get out of bed before 2.pm on her day off and didn't sit on skype till 3 in the morning - she looked at me like I'd got 2 heads !!

OP posts:

Dustysparrow · 17/01/2018 10:26

It's not just money she will lose if she quits her job - she will be giving up her bit of financial independence, and the opportunity to learn and grow and mature through working - a taste of the real world which is probably just as valuable to her growth as a young adult as the money is.

forceslover · 17/01/2018 10:29

Haha, most teenagers are self obsessed, they get over it...... eventually!

Original poster

MyMarmitePurrs · 17/01/2018 10:30

DustySparrow - that's exactly what I want her to learn - I'm not against her dad, I'm not against the stables - I just want her to try and see that not everything is handed to you on a plate. I've even said that I am prepared to go halves with her on any college equipment - but she needs to meet me half way. But she knows that when she starts refusing to go to college cos she's got no make-up I'll cave in and buy it for her

OP posts:

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 17/01/2018 10:31

I don’t see anything odd about her behaviour and I think you dealt with it really well

I think so long as you are clear with her that you won’t be subbing her if she quits her job, then just let her get on with it.

I’m also interested to know what the ‘family commitments’ are? Is she going to start cooking every family dinner and doing all the evening housework? Set up a family Monopoly championship?

Ah teens. They’re wonderfully self obsorbed aren’t they?

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 17/01/2018 10:35

@MyMarmitePurrs cross posted with you.

If you think she’d stoop to that, I’d be thinking of ways round it now. Fine she doesn’t go to college - if she’s happy with lower marks and/or failing that’s her lookout. If she doesn’t go then she can give back the bus fare and be given a job to do round the house.

Original poster

MyMarmitePurrs · 17/01/2018 10:37

Diana - her family commitments are that her father is insisting he sees her when it suits him ! Believe me she has no commitments at home ! She does nothing in the house (my fault I know ) Stays in be till 2pm on her day off college, then expects me to get home from work - cook her dinner in a rush then drop her off at work !! God alone knows how many breakfast bowls are in her bedroom - I daren't go in LOL

OP posts:

Clandestino · 17/01/2018 10:38

Sorry but I really had to laugh about the title. Self-obsessed teenager is a default setup.
You stated the facts. I she still follows up on it, she will learn from that lesson too.

Notasperfectasallothermners · 17/01/2018 10:41

Switch the WiFi off when you go to bed, stop paying her phone, pocket money, dm taxi service stops, no washing /ironing /cooking. At 16 she can be very self sufficient - she just needs a kick into reality.

girlywhirly · 17/01/2018 10:42

How about sitting down with her and showing her the running costs of your home, rent/mortgage, all the utilities, food, car/travel, and things like holidays, home repairs/maintenance, clothes/toiletries etc. Then show what the income is. I doubt she has any real idea what things cost beyond what she herself wants/needs, and she should see that her father’s maintenance is nowhere near what he would be paying for her if you were all living together and sharing the incomes of both parents.

It’s worth saying that on this occasion you don’t agree with her dad and that you feel it would be a mistake to give up her job.

Trinity66 · 17/01/2018 10:44

If she does give up the job make sure you stick to your guns about not funding her social life/luxuries etc. Your ex sounds like a right piece of work, it's hard having that influence on an impressionable teen.

Graphista · 17/01/2018 10:47

She does NOTHING at home? Why? At the very least she should be keeping her room clean and cooking once a week.

You handled it well, keep dropping hints of what she'll not be able to get/do if she gives up the job. Also add in that it's good for her cv to show she can STAY committed to a job.

What is she wanting to do career wise? Is she planning on going to uni? If so then it's good for her to learn to time manage and be financially independant and manage a budget. (Good for her to learn housework too, when I went to uni 2nd time I was shocked at how many of the 18/19 year old students didn't know how to budget, cook, clean, launder... It did them a disservice really as they spent first weeks/months figuring this out AS WELL as getting to grips with uni stuff).

Graphista · 17/01/2018 10:50

Sorry not JUST if she's going to uni of course but I was meaning learning young (ish) because I understand others that don't go to uni generally stay at home a little longer.

Trinity66 · 17/01/2018 10:51

Oh and yeah totally agree with Graphista, she should definitely be doing some chores at home, you're not a servant

mishfish · 17/01/2018 10:52

Self-obsessed teenager 😂

Op that must be really tough as actually it sounds like she’s doing really well for herself there- going to college, working 3 evenings a week and volunteer work. Honestly I’m really at that and would be delighted if my children were doing that at 16

But what on Earth is her dad thinking pressuring her to quit her job when she’s doing so well for herself?

I think you’ve handled it correctly, point out to her that you give her X amount a month, if her expenses are X a month then she has a shortfall of X so how is she going to cover it? Also maybe explain to her the purpose of maintenance- that it’s actually to pay for essential living costs so goes towards bills and food and it’s not fun money.

It does sound like she could be doing more to work on her assertiveness.

Good luck OP! I hope you get through to her properly

Original poster

MyMarmitePurrs · 17/01/2018 10:56

Graphista - she tidies her bedroom when she can no longer find her bed !! I know it's all my fault cos I've tried to over compensate for her father (for what its worth he left me for my brothers wife and they now have two young children together whom he uses as leverage by putting them on the phone crying cos they miss her !!) So I do get that she finds it difficult to stand up to him when he's that manipulative - so I'm finding it difficult to explain why she needs a job as she thinks I'm just doing it to stop him seeing her - which I'm not !! I just want her to see that the world is a big place where adults have to make compromises

OP posts:

Graphista · 17/01/2018 10:57

My dd and I had the "but dad pays £X in maintenance" talk when she was 12/13!

Ex was playing the "your mums a big meanie" shite so I sat her down and went through our income and outgoings so she could see dads "huge" amount of maintenance really didn't even cover half her living costs - not even close!

Agree with assertiveness training (at this point I'm thinking ALL girls should take them).

Must also be VERY tempting to say "well he doesn't really have your best interests at heart if he wants you to give up a job that gives you independance, pride, confidence, a reference for your cv/uni application, the opportunity to meet new people, work with people of other ages and backgrounds and widen your social circle..." Would LOVE to know his defence to that!

Blackteadrinker77 · 17/01/2018 11:02

Why are you worrying?

Just say nothing else and follow through when she quits and has no money.

And at 16 she should be doing her own chores, like ironing, putting her dirty clothes in the laundry bin, dirty dishes in to the sink or dish washer. Who does she think will do this when she leaves home?

speakout · 17/01/2018 11:03

At 16 I would not expect my kids to work.

This girl is at college 4 days a week. It is the parents responsibility to support her.

Graphista · 17/01/2018 11:04

I split from my ex when dd was 2. He was also a cheat, now married to ow they've since had 5 DC.

He was army so she didn't get to see him often (which he of course blamed me for) but even when we still lived nearby he never made the effort. So I promise I GET the desire to overcompensate, to comfort by not being an unlikable parent, but it's not really doing her any favours long term is it?

From dd started high school, pocket money didn't make an appearance until room was tidy each Saturday. And I've always had her help at home from tiny putting toys away to now when she keeps her room clean, does her own laundry and cooks once a week (at least, she quite likes cooking but does make a hell of a mess!).

as I say I get it, but it's not helping her grow into a confident independant adult is it?

Original poster

MyMarmitePurrs · 17/01/2018 11:12

Speakout - I do support her, I buy all her clothes except the really expensive ones I can't afford, I give her her bus fare to college every week, I pay her mobile phone bill and I provide a warm roof and food whenever she wants it, as well as lifts whenever she needs- all I want her to understand is that she is now used to being able to afford £70 for a pair of trainers etc, and that if she packs in work - I can't afford those types of things on top of everything else

OP posts:

usualGubbins · 17/01/2018 11:15

It's going to be really hard to put the brakes on her now as you've enabled her (and I totally understand why, given her father's dickish behaviour!), but you have to for her own good. I think that the sitting down and showing her what it costs to run a house is a good one, but also if she is trying to blackmail you by giving up college let her do it. It will be a huge shock if you don't give in, and then she'll have to fund her makeup etc from getting another job. Otherwise you'll be enabling her forever, and if she gets married she will expect the same from the husband!

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