Self Obsessed Teenager

[MyMarmitePurrs]

First real post here so please be gentle. I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable or not !
Bit of background - my ExH left me and my daughter 13yrs ago when she was 3. He was a bit of a control freak and seems to be able to exert the same control over my daughter - guilt trips etc - he doesn't live in the same town as us so only sees her about 4 times a year for a week or so at a time.
Anyway - daughter is now 16 and is currently at college 4 days a week and works 3 nights a week in the local chippy (she refused to get a weekend job as she volunteers at a local stable on a Saturday. Even though she's earning anything up to £90 a week I still buy all her toiletries etc and basic clothes, she uses her wages for "niceties". I think her father is now putting pressure on her to quit her job - telling her that shes shouldn't have to work as he pays child support - so I should be able to afford anything she wants out of that. She announced to me last night that she plans to quit quite soon due to "family commitments". I didn't lose my rag- but I sat her down and asked her "How after having at least £50 a week to yourself do you think you'll manage on £5 a week pocket money" - which incidentally I still give her. Then explained that if she gave up a perfectly good job she couldn't expect me to start forking out £40 here and there for make - u, and how would she feel about going out bare-faced when she couldn't afford it herself and £70 for Converse just because her dad is putting pressure on her - WIBU ? Just looking for advice really as I feel it's time she grew up a bit and I now feel really guilty - sorry this is so long

Her dad is short sighted. Tosser.

I doubt it's even that, sounds more like he wants to get one over on the OP and doesn't care if it's a good or bad thing to do for his DDs sake. Probably a way of trying to feel like he's still controlling her by trying to dictate how she should spend the maintenance

Trinity I agree - he's just shit stirring to get at mum and doesn't gaf about dd

You could also play the "I wish" game. Tell her with great sadness that you really wish you could buy her the make up she wants, the trainers etc etc, take her on fancy holidays etc and wouldn't it be lovely, and it breaks your heart that you can't and you feel so bad but that's the sad sad reality.

So it's up to her of course if she wants to quit her job, but you won't be able to replace the lost wages. So sad and awful but there it is.

Not a lot they can say to that without sounding like an utter raving arse. Altho that is of course a possibility..

Balloon Slayer - she works about 12 hours at week - the volunteering is at a stables as she absolutely loves horses - she classes that as relaxation and she gets free horseriding lessons for mucking out and turning out the horses (this would be the last thing she'd ever give up LOL ) I think actually one of my main arguments - especially around college is that she can spend hours on skype and whatsapp when she could be doing her college work !! But as she tells me - I have no idea what it's like to be a teenage now - as I'm so old !!!

If she already volunteers then J understand why she would want to quit her paid job. Your dd is still a child, you should be paying for things in exactly the same way as you would a 14 or 15 year old.

she can spend hours on skype and whatsapp when she could be doing her college work !! But as she tells me - I have no idea what it's like to be a teenage now - as I'm so old !!!

Yeah that's what I was saying about it depending on the child for me, my SS was like that, if he wasn't working he wasn't going to be doing loads of school work instead, he'd be sitting around on youtube instead so he may as well be working
My daughter is really driven school-wise and I know if she had a part time job, she would get completely stressed out about having time to study
The jury is still out on my son, he's only 13 now and just started secondary school

I have a self obsessed teenager, now he is working at weekends and holidays the ASOS man is kept busy. Before that he had to rely on my generosity which extended to practical stuff except for birthdays and xmas. I have been known to turn the internet off too. I have a DH and feel that whether you are a single parent or in a partnership kids need to know the value of money.

You pay for all the essentials just like my parents did. I had to get a job at 16 for nights out and extra clothes.

You stated to her the situation. So I'd leave it. If she wants to quit her job it's up to her but you won't be giving her any more

You're doing the right thing by providing her with food, lovely home and her essentials like college travel etc. No way should you be expected to buy her make-up and designer branded luxuries at 16. Please don't feel a moment of guilt for not doing so.

On an important note though I would talk her through your household budget, income and expenses and how much disposable money there is for extras. I bet you're not spending the amount she is on your own luxuries and she could then acknowledge this.

If she leaves college then all financial help stops, no child benefit or maintenance is payable and any tax credits if you receive them will cease. Explain kindly but firmly that she would then need to sign on as unemployed, fulfill jobseeker expectations and contribute some of her benefits to running the home she lives in. Harsh but unless you are rolling in money, then this will be the new reality. Been there with my own kids and feel your pain.

Nothing wrong with your dd working a bit to see how long it takes to earn money.

That's what my ds did at that age whilst as college four days a week.
Then had plenty of time for coursework and socialising with mates.
If he needed trainers or clothes I would pay upto a certain amount and then he would put the rest.
He's now nearly 20 earning good money and furthering his work career has a great social life saves for and buys the best quality stuff he wants and runs a car on his own.
I randomly pay for tyres or give him the odd tenner to put in his tank and I give him about £10 a week in change towards his hot food he has at works canteen as he works late shifts sometimes.
He never expects te extras I give which is refreshing and he has and is learning about being self sufficient and how much it costs to live but at your dds age he was similar to hers in that he was very entitled and expectant.
That's nothing to do with seperate larents,it's normal.
For what it's worth I'm very proud of my ds making his way in the world.
I was brought up like I have brought him up and I have done very well through hard work determination and independence.