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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Self Obsessed Teenager

60 replies

MyMarmitePurrs · 17/01/2018 10:09

First real post here so please be gentle. I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable or not !
Bit of background - my ExH left me and my daughter 13yrs ago when she was 3. He was a bit of a control freak and seems to be able to exert the same control over my daughter - guilt trips etc - he doesn't live in the same town as us so only sees her about 4 times a year for a week or so at a time.
Anyway - daughter is now 16 and is currently at college 4 days a week and works 3 nights a week in the local chippy (she refused to get a weekend job as she volunteers at a local stable on a Saturday. Even though she's earning anything up to £90 a week I still buy all her toiletries etc and basic clothes, she uses her wages for "niceties". I think her father is now putting pressure on her to quit her job - telling her that shes shouldn't have to work as he pays child support - so I should be able to afford anything she wants out of that. She announced to me last night that she plans to quit quite soon due to "family commitments". I didn't lose my rag- but I sat her down and asked her "How after having at least £50 a week to yourself do you think you'll manage on £5 a week pocket money" - which incidentally I still give her. Then explained that if she gave up a perfectly good job she couldn't expect me to start forking out £40 here and there for make - u, and how would she feel about going out bare-faced when she couldn't afford it herself and £70 for Converse just because her dad is putting pressure on her - WIBU ? Just looking for advice really as I feel it's time she grew up a bit and I now feel really guilty - sorry this is so long

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 17/01/2018 11:16

At 16 I would not expect my kids to work.

and that's totally your choice but there is nothing wrong with teaching your teen how to be independent.

For me it depends on the child, my SS had a part time job but even when he didn't he put no work at all into school work so he may as well have been working. My daughter put crazy hours into her school work and I know if she had a "permanent" part time job, it would be too much (but she does bits and pieces of child minding etc on school holidays and will get a job for the summer break)

speakout · 17/01/2018 11:18

I can't afford those types of things on top of everything else

That's part of the responsibility of having a child.

Viviennemary · 17/01/2018 11:19

I think it's fair you provide the basics such as fares to college and enough clothes to get by and basic toiletries. . If she wants extras like expensive clothing then she pays for it herself.

MsGameandWatching · 17/01/2018 11:20

She's not supporting herself with those wages speak she's buying designer items and luxury make up, that OP probably couldn't afford even for herself let alone her teenager. It's not at all the same thing.

I always worked for similar reasons from age 15 onwards and it was a great habit to get into, earning money and having nice things. You're bang on with this one OP. Don't back down.

SwissChristmasMuseum · 17/01/2018 11:21

*I can't afford those types of things on top of everything else

That's part of the responsibility of having a child.*

Speakout No it most certainly is not. Living within your means and teaching children how to do so is. Not throwing away money on unnecessary luxuries so they wonder why they're in debt later on, from thinking these things are a right. Crackers.

nobutreally · 17/01/2018 11:24

I think you're going about this the right way, and agree with others that teenagers are self obsessed and thoughtless: it's not your fault, and totally normal!

I wonder, rather than buying her 'basics' could you give her a monthly clothes allowance to cover all non-school clothes exc underwear? My parents did this, and it meant that I could choose: 2 cheap t-shirts, or one better branded one? I'm nervous that if her income decreases, you may get into negotiation over each item (is x a basic or a luxury? How much is 'fair' on a pair of trainers...?) She'll probably initially think it's brilliant as she'll see lots of money going in, and can also help you with arguments about 'all' the money that your x gives her if she has control of x% of it.

I agree that a breakdown of household income and outgoings is also a useful thing to do now: time to see some reality!

Blackteadrinker77 · 17/01/2018 11:26

@Speakout- Are you being seriuos?

Since when was it part of parenting to buy a teenager every branded shoe and make up they ask for?

Ilovecamping · 17/01/2018 11:26

If she doesn't want to see her dad you need to step in on her behalf, you have stop his manipulation. Your daughter sounds like a normal teenager, it could be a lot worse, but you need to stand your ground otherwise if you cave in you are not helping her

ObscuredbyFog · 17/01/2018 11:26

But she knows that when she starts refusing to go to college cos she's got no make-up I'll cave in and buy it for her

Whilst you say one thing then immediately cave in and give her what she wants, you leave yourself wide open to being treated like the doormat you are. Woman up!

Have a chat, tell her things are going to be different. Listen to her point of view, show her where the money goes , this is an excellent way to explain about how money works with regard to earnings and spends both now and for her future.
www.stoozing.com/calculator/soa.php

fuzzywuzzy · 17/01/2018 11:31

No speakout, it is not the parents responsibility to deck out their child in designer clothing.

I pay for my DC and they are happy to walk around in Primarnis finest. They save for converse and branded make up.

I think sitting down with a budget is a good idea.

Also if she stops going to college won't that increase your expenses, for example do you get council tax discount, would that be removed if she stopped going to college?

I think offer her alternatives, including if she then chooses to give up college, and watch her friends excel and go on to uni, better paid jobs etc whilst she's still at home.

Also divvy up chores for her, kids need to take care of themselves and learn the basics of running a household, get her to help budget for groceries and let her see how much your paying all bills.

Maybe if you stop dancing attnedance to her she will realise the value in cooking and cleaning and taking care of herself insteado f having you race aroudn after her whilst she feels increasingly entitled.

MrsJayy · 17/01/2018 11:32

Your daughter sounds like every other 16 year old girl tbh that isn't your problem her dad is. if she jacks in her job the nicities have to stop as quite rightly you are providing everything else and if she does jack in her job she will realise £70 trainers don't fall onto her feet.

MrsJayy · 17/01/2018 11:35

I agree with Pp stop dancing to her tune you want her to grow up be more responsible you need to give her the chance to do that not buying her make up and running her here there and everywhere.

ThePants999 · 17/01/2018 11:36

I paid for private counselling for her last year as she wanted to learn how to stand up to him

But she knows that when she starts refusing to go to college cos she's got no make-up I'll cave in and buy it for her

I think the wrong person went to the counselling.

pumpkinpie01 · 17/01/2018 11:38

My daughter is 16 goes to college, has a job but its not regular hours and also babysits her nieces monthly. She too wears expensive make up and has a ridiculous amount of it! I only buy make up for birthdays or Christmas, so she saves up her wages and buys her own. She also has a controlling father (we split up when she was 2), its only in the last few months she has actually realised how everything has to be on his terms , it seems she is scared to tell her father how she really feels. Could you advise her, without bad mouthing him, that her job is actually her decision not her fathers and point out that there is no way you will be funding the expensive make up habit and make it clear you will not be backing down.

BalloonSlayer · 17/01/2018 11:38

Totally agree with you re the money issue . . . however:

Most 6th forms recommend students work no more than 12 hours a week because of the negative impact on their studies. Not sure what the work hours (6-11?) are but with the day volunteering on top I'd say she is working too many hours to gain the success at college she ought to.

AmberTopaz · 17/01/2018 11:40

You’ve done the right thing OP. Tell her again that you will not be buying her any expensive clothes or make up if she gives up her job. Then leave it in her hands and DON’T CAVE! The idea of going through your household budget with her, so she understands that her father’s contribution is for essentials not luxuries, is a really good one.

FucksBizz · 17/01/2018 11:41

You are right. He is wrong, and needs to butt out. YANBU at all to insist DD keeps her job. It isn't as if she's not coping with college work or anything like that, she only wants to quit because he's insisting on her seeing him at the times she would be working.

Based purely on this and the back story, I don't think you have a self obsessed teenager, I think you have a self obsessed ex.

MrsTiggyWinkle3 · 17/01/2018 11:43

I don't think she's being self obsessed, maybe just a bit lazy and entitled. She's not behaving horrendously.

Balancing college, college work, a part-time job, friends and hobbies is hard. However, part-time work is good because she can earn her own money and also learn work ethic. If she's happy working at the chippie, I would encourage not to quit.

If she does quit, it's up to you whether you make a stand and only give her £5 pocket money, or increase it which may encourage more laziness.

Graphista · 17/01/2018 11:47

Speakout why? It's good for them, not just the money (and not every family can afford to provide luxuries for their DC some struggle to cover the basics!) but it gives all those other things I listed too. At the time I thought my parents were unreasonable for telling me to get a weekend job/babysitting at 14, huge row. But I did it and not only did I absolutely LOVE it, it really boosted my confidence (I was a v shy quiet kid) and I'm even still friends with a couple people from then - 30+ years later!

"That's part of the responsibility of having a child." Fuck off are £70 trainers the norm! What planet are you on?

Notevilstepmother · 17/01/2018 11:48

If you cave in nothing will change. She is 16 not a baby. It’s not your responsibility to buy her designer clothes or expensive trainers or make up.

I agree you need to be increasing her budgeting skills either way.

Work out how much you spend on toiletries and clothes for her and give her that money to manage herself. She can top it up with earnings or not.

My mum told us (age 15 I think) she would buy us one winter coat, school uniform if we were still in it, one pair of shoes for school/college, basic necessities like shampoo and soap and toothpaste, sanitary pads etc were always in the bathroom, and everything else such as make up and fancy toiletries was to come out of our clothing allowance. We were to be dressed appropriately for school/college and to be clean.

What I wouldn’t do is mix her bus fare in with this yet, or she will use it as an excuse to miss college. Give her bus fare and lunch separate.

Maybe her dad is daft enough to give her cash for looking after the little ones?

IrkThePurist · 17/01/2018 11:51

Her Dad is being financially abusive, in encouraging her to quit her job.

You need to sit down with her and show her all the household bills to show her the money goes on essentials, and encourage her to save some money instead of spending it all.

Piffle11 · 17/01/2018 11:52

My friends and I got jobs as soon as we turned 16 - I was at college full time 9-4pm Monday to Friday, then I went into the centre of town two nights a week to work 5-8pm in a supermarket and on a Saturday morning 9-1pm. I didn't enjoy the work but I enjoyed spending my wages! I think it's important for young people to have that bit of independence and also it's important to learn about time keeping and holding down a job responsibly. I still had plenty of time to see my friends and do any college work. As others have said - show her the household outgoings - all of them - and see how she expects you to cope with her outgoings on top.

StormTreader · 17/01/2018 11:53

But she knows that when she starts refusing to go to college cos she's got no make-up I'll cave in and buy it for her

You dont HAVE to be wearing makeup to go to college, or wearing designer clothes. That might be what she PREFERS but if someone I knew said they stopped going to college or work because they couldnt afford makeup, I would not be hiding my utter bafflement.

Notevilstepmother · 17/01/2018 11:59

On the subject of make up, apparently Wilkos have some really good make up really cheap. It was in Cosmo so it must be true

www.wilko.com/shop-by-health-and-beauty-brand/essence/icat/essence

Jamiefraserskilt · 17/01/2018 12:05

This job is not just about the money, it is about her using her initiative to expand her horizons in the world of work. Any work experience that goes onto a future cv is worth it's weight as it shows multi tasking, initiative, time management, and work ethic. It is not easy balancing college, work and volunteering and I would be more interested in this type of candidate than one who has only stayed in education. Managing her money herself is priceless and sets her up nicely for the future. Her dad is short sighted. Tosser.

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