AIBU to not want a second child?

[rosievalentine]

My husband wants a second child but I don't. I love our 15 month DD but I am put off by having a second because her birth was so traumatic and has had lasting physical and mental effects.

In short, I was induced and labour came on very fast. The gas and air made me psychotic (I thought that I was on a psychiatric ward), which stopped labour progressing. My husband noticed that something was wrong and got me in the birthing pool and I eventually came back to reality. I still wasn't progressing well so they broke my waters and the pain amped up so I had an epidural. Everything was fine until it was time to push. She had a big head and just wouldn't come out. The obstetrician tried ventouse but it failed. It was brutal... he was putting both hands up there. I was rushed to theatre, prepped for c-section but able to give birth by forceps and episiotomy. I spent the first week post birth in hospital but when I got home, I was in agony and soon realised that something was wrong with the episiotomy.

I told the doctors and midwives but was dismissed as first time mum, told everything was OK and that everything would heal. 4 months down the line, I tried to have sex with my husband we couldn't because it was agony and his penis no longer fitted in to me! I saw 3 consultants (one privately) who were also dismissive. Finally a women's physio who I was referred to recommended a consultant. By this point, my daughter was now over a year old. She diagnoses the problems - says she has "never had a case like it" and books me in for urgent surgery, which I had in December. The surgery has improved things somewhat but I will need to return for more and possibly see a plastic surgeon too. I am also left with urinary urge problems. I feel resentful because I requested a c section prior to DD's birth (due to family history) but was told I'd be made to labour anyway. None of this would've happened if I'd been granted one.

I have been promised a c section if I want another child but I cannot bear to go through pregnancy and childbirth all over again. I love DD and I am grateful for her. I feel blessed to have her and don't want to put my body under more pressure. My husband is desperate for another and is convinced I will change my mind. I'm thirty so I do have time on my side but I'm very much happy with the one. We're not well off financially and I don't feel like it's an unreasonable decision.

You are NOT being unreasonable AT ALL.

YANBU

Christ on a rubber bike YANBU

YADNBU. My births, while a bit traumatic, were nowhere near as bad as yours and I have already decided that if my DH wants more children we will have to adopt. Have you explained this all to your husband? If so he's being very unreasonable for asking and also quite reckless-hasn't he though about the potential that another pregnancy would have to trigger mental health problems?

Yanbu at all! I love how the dps who don’t have to endure pregnancy and labour are often the first to demand another baby . Ffs.

There are so many plus points to stopping at one dc. Hop over to the one child families board on here. There are loads of positive stories on there.

YADNBU!!

I felt similarly traumatised by DS’s birth.

Then I got pregnant by accident when he was 2.5, and miscarried. That unlocked a weird longing in me and now I’m 18 weeks into a (planned) pregnancy. And I’m going to be completely honest - it’s really fucking hard. I am literally counting off the days like a convict. Bleeds and HG haven’t helped. I’m having a c section with this one and I am never, ever, EVER doing it again.

Yanbu.

Whether you do or don't have more children I think you'd need more time to process all that.
I'm not financially well off. I had a crap birth experience ( that doesn't sound half as traumatic as yours). I then suffered pnd and couldn't bond with my baby, I could not face doing it all again.
My daughter is 13 now, no major regrets at all.
Luckily in a way my husband was happy to stop at one.
I think you need more time and maybe to talk through this experience with a counsellor?
Have you told your husband how you really feel deep down? A really Frank and honest discussion.
Wish you all the best, whatever the future holds.

Wish I could give you a hug. Of course YANBU. Have you made a proper complaint to the
Hospital about how you've been treated? Have you considered accessing their birth debrief service so you can talk through what happened?

An increasing number of hospitals are now offering treatment for traumatic births - a midwife at my local hospital is currently training the the Rewind programme which is supposed to be very effective and only take a few sessions. There are other treatments for PTSD too. I've heard fantastic things about EMDR therapy.

If the birth is your only concern then I an certain that you would be able to insist on a c section after that experience - in fairness you should have been able to have one the first time but many hospitals try to put off maternal request c sections. I had to fight for one for a long time and I was having twins, although ended up having an emcs anyway.

I would seek some help for the birth trauma, insist on speaking to a consultant about your options for next time (they will do this in the general gynae clinic as there's no specific place for these appointments). Don't rush to any decisions.

The trauma of my twins birth and following months didn't really hit me until they were about 12 months old and I totally understand how you feel about having more.

Not unreasonable at all.

You’ve suffered enough bringing the one you already have into the world.

However, if your labour had gone to plan, do you think you might want more children?

If you 100% don't want another then fine stick with your decision. If you want another but just don't want the birth bit maybe just consider a planned elective c section,there is no labour with this option and it would be calm and recovery is usually absolutely fine and easy (it was for me and all women I know that had a calm c section) it's for you to decide but don't let just the birth bit make your decision, there are ways to make it better. However you certainly have the final say over your husband!

No, you are definitely not being unreasonable. Having another child is a huge commitment that should never be undertaken unless both partners are fully in favour. It's not selfish not to want another baby and you shouldn't have to justify it.

I had a horrific birth with ds1 - the most terrifying, agonising, traumatising experience of my life - and have also been left with various ongoing problems as a result. Your dp doesn't and can't understand this. Don't let his lack of understanding make you feel as though you have to "sell" him how bad it was - you don't have to, it's your body and your choice.

I did have a second child - because I wanted to, not because dh or anyone else wanted me to - and it was a lot less traumatic and I'm glad I did. But if I had decided that I couldn't go through it all again, I would have expected dh to respect that and not pressurise me.

Also your DH may not get it - my DH obviously witnessed everything that happened and he was shocked when I said I thought I might be struggling with birth trauma. I was stunned that he this surprised him to be honest!

Jesus Christ, YANBU. I’m so sorry you went through that.

It would be sad for your DH if he doesn’t get the second child he wants, but unless he’s willing to gestate and give birth to it, the final choice isn’t his!

My god you are not being unreasonable AT ALL!

I had a pretty awful birth the first time - failed lengthy induction and EMCS. I thought we were both going to die and had awful flashbacks. DS is 3 now and like corkscrew I am now pregnant again and absolutely bloody dreading it. I am having an ELCS this time.

I'm surprised your DH isn't a little more understanding given he must have witnessed the whole ordeal. It's not been long at all and sounds like he should back the hell off. I struggled a lot after DS and my DH said whether we had a second was up to me, he would have been fine if I'd said no. I think he was traumatised to an extent too.

You may feel differently in a year or so or you may never change your mind which is perfectly understandable. Do what is right for you op.

I have been diagnosed with ptsd but I have not had counselling. I cannot afford to pay for it privately but I will push for it on the NHS. I think I would've liked 2 children had pregnancy and labour been easy but I can't undo what happened and I'm very much still suffering the consequences. I have had the debrief from the hospital, which made it sound totally straightforward and covered their tracks. I'm very glad we've moved and I know go to a different hospital.

YANBU. I had a tough pregnancy and a traumatic birth (not as bad as yours!!!). I have told DH that I will be prepared to discuss the possibility of another baby in 3/4 years but the likelihood of having one is low. He understands because he saw how I suffered in pregnancy and was himself shocked at my slow recovery. Your DH needs to be more supportive and understanding. Jesus Christ, you are even now suffering the after effects of child birth - does he have no compassion? I would be livid if my DH pushed for another baby after what I went through. Tell him if he wants another baby he can carry and deliver it himself!! I am actually furious on your behalf.

YANBU.
Please don't put yourself through it unless you feel ready, have support from the hospital (agreement to c-section) and really want another child. You know yourself and your body best - trust yourself.

Similar to Greensleeves I had a terrible delivery and had resulting ongoing issues going to the toilet for 2-3 years. However I was very keen for another child and had my second my elective c-section.

You don't have to do anything you don't want to

I think you need more time to process what happened definitely and your husband should be being much more supportive of your views and concerns.

Try to separate out the concerns you have about pregnancy and birth and really think about whether you picture your future as a family of three or a family of four with trying to separate all that out if you still can't see another child in your life that is your answer. If you do you think potentially another child is in your future can you if you haven't already had a birth debrief at the hospital or pursue some sort of trauma counselling

Agree with pp who said that, if you do decide you’d be happier having another baby if you had an ELCS, then I’d probably want to make sure I had the hospital’s agreement before you make your decision to ttc, (if such a thing is possible).

It’s all well and good people online saying that you should be allowed to choose an ELCS next time (and I agree), but I know that, in your shoes, I would want to be sure I had the hospital on board.

Fwiw, I’m at the end of my pregnancy with dc2, and this pregnancy has been a lot tougher. There is no way on this planet I will be doing it again! If dh wont get sterilised then I will.

My god, that sounds horrific.

YANBU at all to not want to put yourself through that again. I am a huge advocate of women being selfish and putting their own needs first - especially when the decision to be made will impact them so directly!

What is your husband like? Gently musings about how a brother or sister for DD would be nice, or pointedly asking when you’ll be ‘ready’ for another one? I ask because the first I think is something that in time, you’ll be able to muse along with him - the second shows a complete disconnect in his mind about what your experience was in getting your daughter here.

That’s if you even want a second baby at all. It’s fine not to. Don’t feel obliged or pressured! Concentrate on working on your trauma from last birth.

YANBU
Holding your hand, OP. I was induced. Problems pushing with epidural. Had an episiotomy. Sixteen years later, sex is STILL painful. After birth, an umbilical hernia (still there), an annal fissure (nine months of acute pain on the toilet), two mastitis with soaring fevers, and a laringitis so bad and untreatable they thought I'd never speak again (due to post-partum exhaustion and lack of sleep). Through this I breastfed non-stop for eight months. I couldn't imagine having another one. Our life with one child is happy and lovely and would not change it for anything. Your body, your decision OP.

The hospital have agreed to a planned section with the consultant that I regularly see. My DH pointedly asks when I'll be ready, which makes me feel like I'm being badgered.

Your dh needs to back the fuck off! You have every right to all the space and time you need, whether it ends in another baby or not. Please don't let him make you feel guilty about this. You don't owe him another child.

I would be telling him that every time he badgers you it makes you a little less well disposed to the idea, because he's showing you that he doesn't understand what you have been through and doesn't respect you as an equal.

for you OP, stand your ground and give yourself time to heal ad recover.