AIBU to not want a second child?

[rosievalentine]

My husband wants a second child but I don't. I love our 15 month DD but I am put off by having a second because her birth was so traumatic and has had lasting physical and mental effects.

In short, I was induced and labour came on very fast. The gas and air made me psychotic (I thought that I was on a psychiatric ward), which stopped labour progressing. My husband noticed that something was wrong and got me in the birthing pool and I eventually came back to reality. I still wasn't progressing well so they broke my waters and the pain amped up so I had an epidural. Everything was fine until it was time to push. She had a big head and just wouldn't come out. The obstetrician tried ventouse but it failed. It was brutal... he was putting both hands up there. I was rushed to theatre, prepped for c-section but able to give birth by forceps and episiotomy. I spent the first week post birth in hospital but when I got home, I was in agony and soon realised that something was wrong with the episiotomy.

I told the doctors and midwives but was dismissed as first time mum, told everything was OK and that everything would heal. 4 months down the line, I tried to have sex with my husband we couldn't because it was agony and his penis no longer fitted in to me! I saw 3 consultants (one privately) who were also dismissive. Finally a women's physio who I was referred to recommended a consultant. By this point, my daughter was now over a year old. She diagnoses the problems - says she has "never had a case like it" and books me in for urgent surgery, which I had in December. The surgery has improved things somewhat but I will need to return for more and possibly see a plastic surgeon too. I am also left with urinary urge problems. I feel resentful because I requested a c section prior to DD's birth (due to family history) but was told I'd be made to labour anyway. None of this would've happened if I'd been granted one.

I have been promised a c section if I want another child but I cannot bear to go through pregnancy and childbirth all over again. I love DD and I am grateful for her. I feel blessed to have her and don't want to put my body under more pressure. My husband is desperate for another and is convinced I will change my mind. I'm thirty so I do have time on my side but I'm very much happy with the one. We're not well off financially and I don't feel like it's an unreasonable decision.

Don’t have another child if you don’t want another child. It makes no sense why you would

Yanbu I had a traumatic birth ds is 4 and I'm sticking to one! I've told dh if wants another then he can give birth to it

I had a ventose delivery 1st time. Had then to get surgery as didnt heal properly whe n ds was 1. Had section with number 2 and was a total different experience. Quick recovery and was back at toddler groups the following week

Omg I could have written your post. I am two days post op of a revision on my episiotomy. My DS is 18 months. It was my DH who had PTSD and who doesn’t want anymore, and me that doesn’t but I wonder how I’d cope. You know this, but YANBU. It’s heartbreaking that people like us are left feeling like this. I’m sorry I can’t offer any practical advice as we’ve done the same things - surgery, guaranteed c section in future - but you are not alone. The only difference was in my case the hospital admitted they’d fucked up because the midwife couldn’t read the CTG and my son had virtually no heart beat for the last 45 mins before someone else came in and had a screaming row with them about needing to get my baby out, now. Same deal, prepped for c but went for the rip him out and sod the consequences option. Midwifery and obstetrics is in a bad place in this country.

*me that does

Is he a dick in other ways as well? I just can't imagine a decent, loving man pressuring you like this and dismissing your horrific experience after the nightmare you've been through.

I didn't have a horrific birth experience but I'm certain that I only want one.
Even if you had a good birth, which you didn't, it's ok to just not want to do it again anyway.
Your body, your choice - even as a married couple I strongly believe in your right to choose.
I would consider telling him that adoption is the way forward!
Good luck OP xx

It's probably too late to reply now that I've seen your post 1 year later. I've had a very similar 1st NHS labour experience that resulted in prolapse and 3B tear and pain during sex.
I've had a 2nd child because of my husband. I've always wanted 2 but after that insane labour and its consequences was too worried.
Had lots of UTIs during 2nd pregnancy and had 5 courses of antibiotics - something I've never even heard of before.
Crazy NHS was planning a 2nd VB for me!!!
Luckily, I've got flu at 32 weeks and were hospitalised in a different hospital (Chelsea Westminster) that has the highest rate of CS in the country. OB Professor at CWH said that I should definitely have a planned CS - and so I did. I went private as my insurance agreed to cover a medically indicated CS.
All was more or less OK with CS and I've had a pelvic floor repair surgery shortly after it per OB recommendation to deal with painful sex after 1st labour (also privately).
I wish I knew about it 5 years ago!!! I was very happy about everything and especially about having DS2.
However, it turned out I've got divarication recti and umbilical hernia and will need yet another surgery. It seems to be a result of 1st 3-day long labour and insane belly size with DS1 plus 2nd pregnancy.
I've got 5 years b/w kids and am slim - and still got such nasty complication after 2nd pregnancy. It also gives me insane back and hip pains.
So, I would NOT have another kid in your shoes. God, forgive me, I love my kids and children in general but we all have different bodies/health and it's something money can't buy. Despite me being able to have private surgeries via insurance I'd much rather not have to suffer complications in the 1st instance.
If you're not well off, I personally think it is preferable to have 1 child and invest in her education, travel, etc. Chinese people do that and do not seem to suffer any drawbacks.
Sorry that your husband does not put your health first but many men are like that. (No offence to anyone).
Wait another few years and see how you feel physically and mentally.

Defin8tely not unreasonable. Equally your daughter is still only a baby herself and may feel different in 3/4/5 years. Definitely seek counselling as it sounds like this has impacted on your mental health. Tell DH he needs to stop asking and leave you alone to heal from your trauma.

Zombie thread!!

So sorry you had such a traumatic experience OP my first birth went very similar to yours (failed ventouse/big head so got stuck/hands shoved up me trying to dislodge the baby/rushed to surgery but got an episiotomy and the baby was dragged out battered and bruised with forceps so csection wasn’t needed) it was very traumatic mentally and I definitely struggled to bond for a very long time. Physically I recovered fine though so I can only imagine how difficult that would have been for you on top of the mental anguish.

Your DP definitely needs to back off. I would tell him in no uncertain terms that the conversation is closed. You are not a vessel. Honestly though I’m shocked that you would even have to say that to him considering he witnessed what you went through? My DH still gets the rage talking about what I went through almost 3 years on.

I requested my hospital notes and got a friend (who is a midwife) to go through them with me as there’s a lot of medical abbreviations. I’m not sure it helped but maybe a little?

I did go on to have another (unplanned) baby 15 months later and her birth was very straightforward and quite empowering so I felt that gave me closure somewhat, but I appreciate that was just luck and there’d be no guarantees a second birth would go well so that’s definitely not a reason to have another baby!!!

Wishing you well on your recovery OP x