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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not want a second child?

61 replies

rosievalentine · 17/01/2018 09:02

My husband wants a second child but I don't. I love our 15 month DD but I am put off by having a second because her birth was so traumatic and has had lasting physical and mental effects.

In short, I was induced and labour came on very fast. The gas and air made me psychotic (I thought that I was on a psychiatric ward), which stopped labour progressing. My husband noticed that something was wrong and got me in the birthing pool and I eventually came back to reality. I still wasn't progressing well so they broke my waters and the pain amped up so I had an epidural. Everything was fine until it was time to push. She had a big head and just wouldn't come out. The obstetrician tried ventouse but it failed. It was brutal... he was putting both hands up there. I was rushed to theatre, prepped for c-section but able to give birth by forceps and episiotomy. I spent the first week post birth in hospital but when I got home, I was in agony and soon realised that something was wrong with the episiotomy.

I told the doctors and midwives but was dismissed as first time mum, told everything was OK and that everything would heal. 4 months down the line, I tried to have sex with my husband we couldn't because it was agony and his penis no longer fitted in to me! I saw 3 consultants (one privately) who were also dismissive. Finally a women's physio who I was referred to recommended a consultant. By this point, my daughter was now over a year old. She diagnoses the problems - says she has "never had a case like it" and books me in for urgent surgery, which I had in December. The surgery has improved things somewhat but I will need to return for more and possibly see a plastic surgeon too. I am also left with urinary urge problems. I feel resentful because I requested a c section prior to DD's birth (due to family history) but was told I'd be made to labour anyway. None of this would've happened if I'd been granted one.

I have been promised a c section if I want another child but I cannot bear to go through pregnancy and childbirth all over again. I love DD and I am grateful for her. I feel blessed to have her and don't want to put my body under more pressure. My husband is desperate for another and is convinced I will change my mind. I'm thirty so I do have time on my side but I'm very much happy with the one. We're not well off financially and I don't feel like it's an unreasonable decision.

OP posts:
DeadGood · 17/01/2018 09:59

“My DH pointedly asks when I'll be ready, which makes me feel like I'm being badgered.”

I suggest you reply, very coldly and firmly, that he never ask you that again, and you will let him know if and when you ever feel ready.

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 17/01/2018 09:59

He needs to back off op. Pregnancy sucks and I don’t necessarily think CS is the picnic it’s made out to be by some people.

Fwiw, I had a complicated, (but not traumatic birth with dc1) and have to have an ELCS with dc2. I know lots of women say it’s the bees knees, but I’m as anxious about it, if not more so, as I was with dc1’s VB.

If you aren’t ready to discuss another baby, it’s bloody cruel of your dp to keep on at you.

rosievalentine · 17/01/2018 10:01

That's a good idea. I will bring up that point when he next asks. He and I both know empathy isn't his strong point.

OP posts:
ChristmasCakes · 17/01/2018 10:13

YANBU. I have one baby, would quite like another except for the pregnancy, birth, endless bottles - making washing and sterilising, no sleep, no money etc DP realises the majority of the work falls almost entirely on me and has left the choice up to me.

It's no picnic having a baby even without birth trauma

Greensleeves · 17/01/2018 10:16

Your dd is still a baby anyway, why can't he concentrate on her? This has really pissed me off.

Sending you healing vibes and a soppy hug op, you've been through hell xxx

nannybeach · 17/01/2018 10:19

I was in a very similar situation. I was an only child and hated it, desided in my teens I was going to have 6 children. I had gynae problems from the off, was told it was unlikely I would ever get pregnant because of them. I got pregnant at 19, "had" to get married (this was the 60s) Was sick, ill, baby LL breach and bit for my size 8 body. Had moved 50 miles away from friends family, didnt drive. had to be hospitalised with pre-eclampsia, c section booked, I went into labour, called the nurse over told her my waters had broken, she said rubbish youve wet the bed. That night, big panic, the surgeons have all gone home, emergency C section at 10pm, had eated so tube forced down my nose to aspirate stomach contents, they got angry with me, told me if I had the urge to push and did it would be extremely damgerous. Staff were all horrible, started having really bad nightmares then halucinating in the day, (so I stoped myself sleeping sat reading behind my curtains, they came along and knocked me out with strong tablets) in the end I called me GP, she came, they wouldnt let me see her and were really angry with me. Didnt see the baby for 2 days, but no-one told me this was policy, I hought she had died. After getting home, as soon as I closed my eyes I was halucinating, he baby was trying to suffocate me with a pillow, I could see surgeons coming at me. Went to the GP she said I had full blown Pur schychosis, proably would be called PTSD nowdays, put me on "purple hearts", they were so strong I couldnt function. She said next time she would send me to a different Hospital, I assured her there wouldnt be a next time! I was advised to wait 4 years after the C section for the womb to heal. The following year i became very ill with gall bladder problems, again same GP said there was nothing wrong with me! Fast forward, I did want more children, figured it could be as bad again. Was assured by GP (we had moved) I would always have sections, and what did it matter the end result was the same. I was lucky, I had a very scarey,older,female obs who had never had a baby, but was willing to give me a scar trial. I went into labour 2 months early, ened up in hospital bed rest for a month. Gave birth naturally to my lovelly oldest DS, my daughter was now 6. A few years down the line, ready to have another go, I did have episiotomies with both DSs, got hospitalised with high BP straight from the ante-natal clinic.( and he was orn so quickly I fractured my coccyx) I think a lot of the problems ie high BP were caused by (now ex-H) Re-married at 41 had my DD, no problems, no sickness, no high BP, no cut, I already had a 9 year old,15 year old and 20 year old with misscarriages in between. So I would say never say never, give yourself time, you have plenty to make your desision, there is no hurry, enjoy your baby, get everything sorted out healthwise. I have a cousin who was so traumatised by her first birth she said she would never had another and did 15 years down the line.

Morphene · 17/01/2018 10:29

op The thing with births is that hospitals record the facts of what happened, which often are very straight forward and can sometimes carry an unwelcome air of 'any one you walk away from was probably okay'.

The trauma is a result of how your mind processed the events that occurred. They don't know anything about that because pregnant women are just baby incubators to them.

It is VERY important to understand that different people can have the same experience and have entirely different brain based responses to them. The same birth process could be experienced as anything from empowering to utterly mind destroying.

Your experience is valid, and the effect it had on your mind and mental health is incredibly important. Do please push for treatment as you deserve to be well again.

Point out to your DH that being dehumanised, terrified and shamed during childbirth is the cause of your current mental state and that his effort to undermine you and force you into pregnancy again are adding further fuel to the fire, when what you really need is your independence and value as a whole complete human being in your own right reinforcing.

landofgiants · 17/01/2018 10:46

Hi Rosie, YANBU at all.

You need to give yourself more time to recover before making a final decision. If you are only thirty there is no great rush! I had a similarly (but different) traumatic birth with my DS who is now seven, and at 41 I think it's unlikely that we will have another, though like you I had definitely pictured two.

I had a course of counselling (NHS) when my son was about 2.5. Like one of the PPs, the full force of the trauma didn't hit me at first, DS was about 9 months when it was at its worst, and it was 2 years before I was able to talk about it on more than a superficial level. Counselling was not a magic cure (and it did make my symptoms worse at the time), but has helped longer term. Go to your GP (if you haven't already been) and ask, because even if it only helps your recovery a little, it would be worth it in the long term.

Finally, if you stick at one, expect lots of intrusive questions and advice from relatives/aquaintances/total strangers about why you only have one. Be prepared! Smile and say that your family feels complete now/you are happy with what you have etc.

Flowers
Dipitydoda · 17/01/2018 10:51

First off I’m really sorry you suffered both physically and mentally from the birth of your child. I would tell your DH you are not willing to think about another child for 2-3 years (would still be a perfectly usual age gap. It will not be discussed until that point. If he keeps badgering you, you will not have the space to heal from your trauma. You have plenty of time. If your DH desperately wants another child and you don’t he will have to make the decision of whether he wants to move on. If you decide to stick with the one look at the recent thread on the good things about having an only child (sorry can’t link). Many of the old thoughts about only children have been proven wrong now and there are actually many advantages.

ifcatscouldtalk · 17/01/2018 10:53

You need to tell your husband that you don't know when or if you will ever be ready and you want to enjoy your daughter without that pressure on you. Definitely push for counselling on the nhs. Even if you have no more babies you will still probably get a lot from it.
Fwiw prior to having my daughter I actually assumed I'd have two as that's what everyone in our family does. Having one as it goes has been fine and I'm happy with my lot now.
You are still early days of motherhood, you may not decide for a few more years what you are going to do.
Whatever you do take your time and don't be pressured.

trevthecat · 17/01/2018 11:01

Yanbu but I would ask if your local trust do an after birth debrief with a councillor. I had a few sessions after my first and it really helped. Regardless of having another baby I think you need to deal with what happened during labour. You had a horrific time and you may find a bit of counselling really helps you

InappropriateUsername · 17/01/2018 11:01

Bloomin hell you poor thing. Darn right you don’t want another after that. If you feel differently in the future fine but unless your husband is offering a surrogate he can take a run and jump

Rhodes2015again · 17/01/2018 11:08

Yanbu
I don’t want another either. I’m only 7 months in with my first but much like you labour has put me off even though I quite enjoyed being pregnant. I also have struggled having a new born, I don’t enjoy it in anyway despite Loving her so much!
Luckily my DH feels the same so decision made for us!

HelloFreedom · 17/01/2018 11:11

YADNBU. You poor thing. What a horrible experience. Completely understandable that you don't want anymore.

Piewraith · 17/01/2018 11:12

You poor thing! Tell your DH the discussion is closed for now. If you change your mind in a few years you will let him know. If not, a one child family is wonderful (personally it's my family size of choice).

Neonrainbow · 17/01/2018 11:18

I would tell dh you don't know if you'll ever be ready and ask him to stop mentioning it as its making everything worse.

Push as hard as you can for post birth counselling. I had counselling on the nhs with a woman who was an ex midwife and now an experienced counsellor, after a traumatic birth. Before i saw her, i thought i would never be able to face having another baby. Now i would, because of her. (But only by ELCS!) Equally its ok just to have the counselling to help yourself. It's ok to decide you don't want another baby for any reason but it's not ok for your dh to pressurise you. My dh came with me to all our sessions and its made our marriage so much stronger ... something to consider?

derangedmermaid · 17/01/2018 11:18

I'm only here to say, like you I had a horrendous almost fatal first birth. PTSD and everything.

My second birth was an elective section that went beautifully and something I would definitely do again.

Obviously it's your decision but I just wanted to say all is not lost Thanks

Runningoutofusernames · 17/01/2018 11:28

YANBU. Having one can be lovely, and you went through a tremendous amount.
Some people do change their minds - my sister did, after a very traumatic first birth - but plenty don't, and you're never going to if he keeps pushing you.
Totally separately have you had counselling about the birth? My sister found it really helpful, you can ask your GP.

hardboiled · 17/01/2018 11:29

I've been lucky no one has ever asked me why one child only. Even DS said when little he was very happy without siblings!

BrendaUmbrella · 17/01/2018 11:37

Is he very involved with his current baby? Does he spend a lot of time with her and share her care without being asked?

It's just that you say empathy isn't his strong point. Is he a good father - kind, attentive, fun, patient. Or does he just have a "two kids" box in his head that needs to get ticked off so he can move on to more interesting things?

pinkie1982 · 17/01/2018 11:41

YANBU.
I only wanted one and with the birth I had I would have been put off having more too.
Still having issues and DS is now almost 2.5 years. I couldn't think of anything worse.
I feel with work that I don't spend enough time with DS as it is, I don't want to go through all of that again to feel even more guilty that a new baby takes the majority of my attention. I know ppl won't agree with this but it is just how I personally feel.

ArcheryAnnie · 17/01/2018 12:25

YANBU, a million times over.

Your husband either doesn't understand what you've been through (I am tempted to rewrite your account of your trauma, but as if it happened to a male body, for you to show him), or he does understand and he's being a total dick.

One child is fantastic. I once had visions of a big family, and would have loved lots of kids, but (like you) had a difficult birth, was frightened of being left even more disabled by a second birth, and so stuck with one kid. I'm not well off, but I do have a flat and a mortgage, and one of the many delights of one child is that I know he will be well-provided for after I'm gone.

rosievalentine · 17/01/2018 13:18

Thank you for all of your replies and advice. I will endeavour to get counselling. It's not just the traumatic birth that plays on my mind. It's the damage, how long it took for a diagnosis and to be taken seriously and the multiple surgeries required to correct it. Every time I go to the gp, visit the consultant or women's physio, it serves as a reminder and all of the emotions come bubbling to the surface. DH's requests to try for another just add to that. All is not well 'down there' and I think I need to focus on getting better both physically and mentally and enjoying my daughter as these early years are precious.

OP posts:
ConciseandNice · 17/01/2018 13:20

YANBU. Your experience was traumatic, but is in fact not relevant. Nobody should have a child if they don't want one. You don't need a reason or an excuse. It's your body. End of story.

ladymarian · 17/01/2018 13:50

YANBU! I had birth trauma after DD1 (PTSD & PND that wasn't diagnosed for months - all the HCPs kept telling me I was fine). I did go on to have a second child after 5 years but only after if had counselling, seen a psychiatrist who diagnosed tokophobia and been promised a C section. I don't know how I got through my 2nd pregnancy to be honest because I was petrified but it went fine and I wouldn't be without my lovely DD2. Having said that it was a very difficult decision.
Do what is right for you OP and maybe look in to a debrief with your consultant about your first birth or think about counselling if you think it will help. Take care of yourself

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