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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Crossroads. Fed up of being skivvy AND breadwinner

65 replies

monkeysee100 · 16/01/2018 23:39

Massive row this evening which culminated in an impasse.

I earn more. I work far longer hours including evenings and weekends. H stayed in the same entry level job for years but had a slight uplift with support from friend in another company. This is now unstable with no friend to help and nothing else on the horizon. He does pet feeding, packed lunch, dishes, some washing and hoovering when I get the hoover out.

I have always done the bulk of the house work. I'm on maternity at the moment and doing even more. He is short tempered with DD1 (who is a handful but likely has emotional problems as part and parcel of a medical condition) and hands the little one to me for the slightest reason. I'm dreading work starting because I'll be cleaning, doing bed times, etc plus full time plus the work I need to do at home. Apparently I should 'get up earlier'. Despite going to bed later with a breastfeeding baby and waking several times at night.

So fed up. I really didn't think my life would turn out like this.

Aibu to feel like shit? Wibu to run off to a well paid job abroad (with kids)

OP posts:
GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 16/01/2018 23:42

Same position here minus the kids.

Then i look at women who dont work and whose husbands do loads or get "help" in and think - I'm a fucking mug.

Original poster
monkeysee100 · 16/01/2018 23:47

Yesterday I literally cleaned shit (baby and dog) from flooring. He did it and made not the slightest move to clean it up. Demonstrated exactly what he thinks of me.

OP posts:
Jamiefraserskilt · 16/01/2018 23:47

Have you got room for me? Mugged off breadwinner and skivvy here. Shall we get teeshirts with MOBAS on to wear whilst necking ridiculous cocktails on the beach?!

LouHotel · 16/01/2018 23:48

He needs to pull his socks up. I have fallen into a similar trap where i work 35 hours to his 40 but my 5 hours less results in the vast majority of housework and all night wakings.

We ended up having a the biggest fight of our relationship - he now does more housework but its still a bit of a tender situation. I announced last week that my 19 month was ready to night wean which would mean we can now start sharing the nightwakings and that startled him into realisation.

We have a weekly family meeting on the sofa on a sunday and we plan out the tasks and who can do what for the next week. I refuse to plan this on my own so even thought im still 'managing' i do find this helps.

Original poster
monkeysee100 · 16/01/2018 23:51

Yes!! MOBAS unite!!

The conversation ended with 'I don't see what I'm doing wrong'.

I've been breaking my heart that it has come to this level of total disregard. There's just minimum effort for everything :(

OP posts:
GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 16/01/2018 23:52
Grin Go out on the lash in our matching "bad ass mobas" T-shirts.

You just think no matter how much you love them: my life would be so much easier, more relaxing and more moneyed without you. And then feel guilty. Or is it just me?

It just feels like they gain and you lose, although they arent bastards.

LouHotel · 16/01/2018 23:53

Oh ive also stopped washing his clothes (which led to the fight)

Ive also run the policy of i do the washing and i'll out dc and my clothes away but expect him to do his own - there were no fucking clothes left in the wardrobe as he was effectively living out of the mountain of clean washing taking up two side by side laundry baskets. So in a very passive aggressive way i stopped putting stuff through the machine as there was no more room to store the clean.

He ran out of pants sometime a week after doing this, cue fight - was passive aggressive but i got some satisfaction out of it.

GlitterUnicornsAndAllThatJazz · 16/01/2018 23:54

If i dont cook, his solution is to get us a kebab.

In his defence, he makes much less money but puts in way more hours. I still find it annoying to be breadwinner and skivvy though, although i get his day is way more tiring than mine.

Eatalot · 17/01/2018 00:00

You are at the point where you are seriously considering ending the relationship. Make it clear to him this is the case. Also to quote monica from friends you are not his relationship tutor. If he doesnt know a partnership is equal its not your job to teach him.

Jamiefraserskilt · 17/01/2018 00:01

I too have a policy of everyone puts their clothes away BUT despite his drawers and wardrobe being an arms length from the chest at the bottom of the bed, he still uses the tottering pile and does not put it away. Bloody yells at the kids for not doing it though. Arse. I asked why they walked past shit that needed doing and was told it is not priority so he doesn't see it.

justsomestepmum · 17/01/2018 00:03

Your DH sounds awful tbh. Go on your own, you'd be better off.

Original poster
monkeysee100 · 17/01/2018 00:04

I've tried passive aggressive. It just means the house is a shit tip, no one has clean clothes and he is none the wiser

OP posts:
shemakesmewaitonabedofnails · 17/01/2018 00:06

I'm in. I've just finished working for the day - DH has been out this evening and asleep since 10pm. I'll be up with toddler DS tomorrow at 5am (can one really get "up" when one is sleeping on the floor?) and expected to work and do night wakings / life admin. Exhausting. I've said I want a divorce, but we're staying together for DS. Wouldn't mind it if he made me laugh or smile.

Original poster
monkeysee100 · 17/01/2018 00:11

Why does this still happen??

I listed all the things I do that he doesn't but got totally dismissed. I could get up at 3am and wouldn't get it all done!!! Let alone working full time plus

OP posts:
BMW6 · 17/01/2018 00:38

Why do they do it?

Because they can.........

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 17/01/2018 01:13

Oh nails lovely, what's the point of staying together for your DS when all he will learn from his father is how to disrespect his partner....
OP, leave him! Or rather, throw him out and use the EOW when he has the children to sleep.

DriggleDraggle · 17/01/2018 01:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KimmySchmidt1 · 17/01/2018 04:12

You have to keep being clear to him as to what giant ova are - some men just need a sergeant major as they are inherently squaddies and will never be anything more.

Is there something he benefits from that you currently pay for that you can take away from him and spend instead on a cleaner?

mytoesaregettingfatter · 17/01/2018 04:57

I would leave and at least he'd have the kids eow. My ex was a filthy animal with the house and never lifted a finger. Went through long periods of unemployment where he didn't pay for anything and also did sweet fuck all around the house.
I shudder when I think what my life would be like if we were still together.

MagicFajita · 17/01/2018 05:18

Being a single parent is easier than being in a relationship with a lazy , unsupportive person. You have one less 'child' to look after.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 17/01/2018 05:32

Leave. Or tell him to get out. You're basically keeping him as though he were a teen with a shit job and no get up and go.

Tell him out!

I would NOT put up with this and it's giving your dd a terrible life lesson in what men do.

Bowerbird5 · 17/01/2018 05:41

I have come to the conclusion that they don't see it.
DH did more or less nothing yesterday all day. I am on sick leave and the downstairs needed vacuuming because he left bits of wood re log burner and mud on carpet. The kitchen floor is muddy because he won't take his boots off and the garden is muddy. He left crumbs on the worktop and the cupboards x2 and drawers x2 open on the dresser. I mentioned that the undersink cupboard needs cleaning because we have mice ( hopefully not any more) and they have been chewing cleaning cloths and bizarrely foil! He has been home two weeks but hasn't done it and I can't. No ironing done and he actually watched me do it and near the end said "Do you want me to do that?"Yep at the beginning would have been good. He has made the meals mostly. Well he would cos he might not get fed because I'm not very hungry but they are about two or three hours late. I got lunch at 3 pm the other day! I wasn't that bothered but I think he was waiting for me to do it. I did get some help after I turned around and he was leaning on the bannister while I was sorting the bookcase. I had said the day before I would like him to dust them ( I have asthma) and I would rearrange and try and declutter some. And there he stands watching me saying I don't know what you want done. This is a man with a good and responsible job. He got an earful, went off for a bit then came back. He did it.

If I were you since you earn a good wage ( I dont) I would get a cleaner. I have a DI Y man. It is great every now and then he gets booked and I have a chat then leave him to it with tea and cake or sandwiches and the jobs done. He even cleans up afterwards. After dressing stone he even offered to wash the kitchen floor. I wish I had done it years ago. He does a better job and he does what I tell him!

I am afraid to tell you this is only the start they don't in my experience get any better. I've been married forty years. I have friends the same. The majority of the housework and childcare falls on the woman. I have in the past wondered if those woman in the fifties and sixties had it so wrong. They looked after the children and house and then had free time. Whereas we are just chasing our tail all the time. Rant over. Good luck with him. Make a list is the only other way but don't expect him to do it all.

Iflyaway · 17/01/2018 05:42

I agree with all the posters. What's the point of dragging a dead weight around?

I'm long-time divorced (had relationships, obviously) and now my son is adult and thriving I get total freedom to do what I want, travel etc.

I would hate to be lying on my death bed saying I wish.....

GaraMedouar · 17/01/2018 05:58

I was in this position a couple of years ago. Me breadwinner working full-time, 90% housework, plus looking after 3 kids (organisation, lunches, etc). My ExP was a lazy cocklodger - he was self employed doing his ‘hobby’ but it never brought in any money.

Over the years I lost respect for him and any love died because even when I was so stressed and crying with all the pressure he would refuse to get a salaried job and did the bare minimum in the house - which I always had to nag for. I felt like the mother of a disrespectful teenage boy.

I was gutted to end the relationship, I thought we were going to be together into old age. He is a very ‘nice’ person. In the years we were together we never had a cross word. Best description I have of him is he was a human Labrador. Lovely as a friend, but not supportive partner. He chose to leave because he was not prepared to step up and bring in any money or help in the house - he has barely paid a penny towards his DC. It is frustrating as he wafts by to see DC who adore him as he is cuddly fun Daddy. He has a new girlfriend and he’s just moved into her house, whilst I’m still slogging my guts out. But at least i feel some sort of pride that I am working hard and supporting my children.

I do still doubt myself though thinking did I do the right thing, am I the intolerant one, will I ever meet a nice man again, because I do miss having ‘someone’. Trouble is I just cracked and snapped, so I know it couldn’t really have continued, even though he was a sweet guy. He didn’t even want to discuss it though - refused my suggestion of counselling , I realised that after him proclaiming undying love for me he wouldn’t even do 2 days paid work a week to bring in some money (he tried it but was too much for him) , and was happy to be supported by me, and for me to support his DC. I get no maintenance by the way.

OP - your resentment will build - I think you need a last serious chat and he needs to realise he has to change or that’s it.

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