Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Crossroads. Fed up of being skivvy AND breadwinner

65 replies

monkeysee100 · 16/01/2018 23:39

Massive row this evening which culminated in an impasse.

I earn more. I work far longer hours including evenings and weekends. H stayed in the same entry level job for years but had a slight uplift with support from friend in another company. This is now unstable with no friend to help and nothing else on the horizon. He does pet feeding, packed lunch, dishes, some washing and hoovering when I get the hoover out.

I have always done the bulk of the house work. I'm on maternity at the moment and doing even more. He is short tempered with DD1 (who is a handful but likely has emotional problems as part and parcel of a medical condition) and hands the little one to me for the slightest reason. I'm dreading work starting because I'll be cleaning, doing bed times, etc plus full time plus the work I need to do at home. Apparently I should 'get up earlier'. Despite going to bed later with a breastfeeding baby and waking several times at night.

So fed up. I really didn't think my life would turn out like this.

Aibu to feel like shit? Wibu to run off to a well paid job abroad (with kids)

OP posts:
BattleCuntGalactica · 17/01/2018 06:36

Pack your bags, grab the kids, and leave his useless arse behind. He sounds like a complete 🔔🔚

20nil · 17/01/2018 06:57

These posts make me so angry. Make it clear that 50/50 is the only possible way forward. If he refuses, leave him. He has little respect for you and this will not change.

PeacefulBlessing · 17/01/2018 07:07

Why does this still happen??

Because some women accept it and then just complain on the internet with a bit of an eye roll and a Grin and then continue to do it whilst having children with them.

I don't think I'd have any respect for anyone who'd let me treat them so badly either.

Some of the martyrdom on these threads is [confusing]. You all talk like you don't have a choice in the matter.

You do. You chose to continue dating them; you chose to marry them/move in with them; you chose to accept them and their behaviour; you chose to have children with them; you chose to carry on doing it...

I have come to the conclusion that they don't see it.

They do see it but they also know that, if they leave it, The Woman will clean/tidy it up. They're not stupid. They just see it as beneath them.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 17/01/2018 07:08

Who does most of the childcare? I'm sure you probably do all the organising and thinking, but who if physically with them more? You need to be careful that - if he's looking after them evenings and weekends while you work - he won't end up being regarded as main carer if you split up. Perhaps that's different atm because of you being on maternity leave. Getting legal advice on this might be a good move.

Start keeping a diary of all the things you do for the house and dc versus what he does, to build up a picture.

You cannot go on like this, it doesn't sound as if he is willing to change, and being without him would mean effectively the same amount of work for you minus the simmering resentment. So, as above, I really would be laying your plans IIWY.

stickytoffeevodka · 17/01/2018 07:29

They behave like this because you all put up with it!

These threads make no sense to me. It's not like you're all in the first stages of dating - you live with these men, married them and had children with them, knowing that they were lazy fuckers who didn't pick up after themselves. And you chose to stay with them anyway! Why?

Coming on here, whinging about doing it all isn't going to change anything. These men aren't stupid - they know if they leave it, you'll get fed up and do it for them. They clearly don't respect you either if they think it's okay for you to literally clean up their shit on a daily basis.

The best thing you can do with men like this is refuse to date them! Let them wallow in their own filth alone without inflicting it on a partner and kids.

PeacefulBlessing · 17/01/2018 07:36

Absolutely, sticky.

I am considered to have 'low self esteem' and I wouldn't tolerate a man like this.

stickytoffeevodka · 17/01/2018 07:48

I do wonder how low your self-esteem must be if you're willing to spend your life cleaning up after another perfectly capable adult who would rather sit on their backside and watch you clean their shit than do it themselves.

Why live with and reproduce with idiots like this? I don't get it at all.

mobasexhausted · 17/01/2018 07:50

I feel your pain, I work 35 hours over 4 days and DH is a stay at home dad. On my work days he cooks dinner and does the school run, but I have to do bath/bedtime for the kids. However I still end up doing the majority of the washing and cleaning (he will occasionally "tidy"). I have also stopped washing his clothes after finding folded piles of clean clothes under a pile of dirty because he couldn't be bothered to put them away! This just means that he has a huge pike of dirty clothes in our room until he runs out and does some washing. He is lovely but lazy, I have found that frequent small reminders help as a big rant just causes a row. He does occasionally do things without be asked but I firmly believe that they just DO NOT SEE MESS!?!?!

PeacefulBlessing · 17/01/2018 07:55

He does occasionally do things without be asked but I firmly believe that they just DO NOT SEE MESS!?!?!

They do. They really do. It just doesn't bother them and they know that you will clean it up.

Lonecatwithkitten · 17/01/2018 07:55

Quite frankly among his many faults ExH included all listed here. I traded him for a variety of reasons, it wasn't easy on my own, but I didn't have the resentment against him not doing anything.
Five years later I found a better model who washes, irons, cleans and tidies without being prompted.

stickytoffeevodka · 17/01/2018 07:59

I firmly believe that they just DO NOT SEE MESS!?!?!

Of course they see it. They just know that if they leave it long enough, you'll
clean it up for them, so 99% of the time they don't bother.

Why do women continue to believe that they're the only ones who are capable of seeing and cleaning mess?

Connebert · 17/01/2018 07:59

Isn’t it actually more just about different standards and priorities? What should everyone have to live how you want them to? Mess doesn’t bother everybody.

Original poster
monkeysee100 · 17/01/2018 08:02

We've woken up feeling crap and he's actually run around like a blue arsed fly this morning. I really hope it's a water shed

OP posts:
Original poster
monkeysee100 · 17/01/2018 08:05

And you are right. People do have different standards. I know I'm an everything away person.

I grew up in a downright dirty house and my father had custody. I hated the double standard that he was bloody awful to us but everyone used to think the sun shone out of his arse because he was a man taking care of kids!

OP posts:
stickytoffeevodka · 17/01/2018 08:07

Not necessarily @Connebert

Yes some people have very high standards, but there are threads on here about men who leave the toilet caked in shit after they've used it, leave stinking litter trays days on end and used nappies on the floor.

That's not one person having high standards - that's the other person being a filthy pig.

20nil · 17/01/2018 08:18

Stop blaming women for everything. They behave like this because they are fuckwitts.

thecatsarecrazy · 17/01/2018 08:19

My husband is pretty shit round the house. Hes supposed to be studying so any time I ask for help I get tuts rolled eyes and I have college work to do. Funny how he has time to play games and go on twitter though. Im on "holiday" atm and doing house work and he moans im not spending enough time with baby.

20nil · 17/01/2018 08:20

They do see mess, but instead of seeing it as a task to be dealt with, they process it as something someone else (a woman) will deal with.

stickytoffeevodka · 17/01/2018 08:24

I'm not saying they aren't fuckwits @20nil - where did you get that idea?

But women choose to date them. Then, realising what they're like, they choose to stay with them, marry them and have children with them, instead of telling the dirty buggers to fuck off.

They behave like this because people enable it. So many women whinge about their mucky husbands but stay with them and carry on cleaning up their shit anyway.

Why is that anyone's fault but their own?

TiredMumToTwo · 17/01/2018 08:29

This is the exact reason I left my ex, been divorced for 8 years now & I still end up fixing stuff he fucks up or forgets. It’s a constant reminder of why I was right to call time. I don’t put up with that behaviour in my new relationship- just isn’t going to happen.

plasticcheese · 17/01/2018 08:53

sticky and peaceful, sometimes they change to be like this after you commit to them and have kids. There's often no sign beforehand. fwiw, I left mine after years of this, despite many conversations about how he was taking the piss; I did facilitate it for a long time whilst trying to change his attitude, but when you have kids you desperately want to make it work for them.

My kids now see him for what he's like. Lesson learnt.

20nil · 17/01/2018 08:54

Weren’t suggesting you were sticky. It was a generic complaint because these threads often descend into blaming the woman first and foremost.

I was in this situation years ago when I did leave because my DH ‘didn’t see mess’. That was what he needed to begin to act like a grown up. But I could afford to leave, while many others can’t.

Connebert · 17/01/2018 09:12

Agreed, stickytoffeevodka but it’s important to differentiate before throwing something away which is essentially good for reasons which aren’t really sound. It’s hard to do that when you’re knackered and fed up.

stickytoffeevodka · 17/01/2018 09:20

That's true and I know some men will hide their true colours for a long time into a relationship.

But as a general rule on these threads, the man has never done any housework (or when they have it's been half-arsed or under extreme duress) and people still continue to settle down with them.

If someone does fuck all with the first child, for example, why do women stay and continue to have more children with them? If they didn't change nappies or do night-feeds with the first one, why are they going to change for babies 2, 3 and beyond?

It's not women's fault that they're like this, of course it isn't, but you can choose how you deal with it. If you're happy to skivvy around while they do jack shit, so be it, but it's not the only option.

FluffyWuffy100 · 17/01/2018 09:21

Why does this still happen??

Because some women place more importance on having any man to breed with than they do about choosing a good life partner.

Seriously he doesn’t sound like he is bringing anything to the team? He is shit with the kids. Shit at work. Shit in the house. Shit with you.

Leave him and go for EOW contact. At least you’ll get a break and he’ll have limited ability to fuck your kids up.

Swipe left for the next trending thread