Crossroads. Fed up of being skivvy AND breadwinner

[monkeysee100]

Massive row this evening which culminated in an impasse.

I earn more. I work far longer hours including evenings and weekends. H stayed in the same entry level job for years but had a slight uplift with support from friend in another company. This is now unstable with no friend to help and nothing else on the horizon. He does pet feeding, packed lunch, dishes, some washing and hoovering when I get the hoover out.

I have always done the bulk of the house work. I'm on maternity at the moment and doing even more. He is short tempered with DD1 (who is a handful but likely has emotional problems as part and parcel of a medical condition) and hands the little one to me for the slightest reason. I'm dreading work starting because I'll be cleaning, doing bed times, etc plus full time plus the work I need to do at home. Apparently I should 'get up earlier'. Despite going to bed later with a breastfeeding baby and waking several times at night.

So fed up. I really didn't think my life would turn out like this.

Aibu to feel like shit? Wibu to run off to a well paid job abroad (with kids)

tillytown that was a great article. Thanks for the link.

Tow sentences stood out to me:

"While modern men and women espouse egalitarian ideals and report that their decisions are mutual, outcomes tend to favor fathers' needs and goals much more than mothers'."

and

"In studies, these young men and women predominantly report hope for a future in which they will split the pleasures of breadwinning and caretaking equally with their spouses — what researchers call their Plan A. But when asked for a Plan B, the sexes divide. The men anticipate being primary breadwinners alongside wives who are primarily caretakers. The women anticipate divorce."

I agree that the partner often become lazier as time goes on. In my case , yes, I had low self-esteem after coming out of a shit marriage, where I had no love. Along comes this lovable, friendly, nice guy who adores me (obviously because I had a well paid job + a house !) - so we became a couple. He was on his best behavior to start with, was sweet and kind, and I was loved up so maybe ignored some practical things - then had a baby - and of course at that point you really try and make things work for the child - I kept trying to make him step up in the home, realize his hobby job was not improving and thinking eventually he would realize he had to take on his financial responsibilities, get a paid job etc. Everything was always going to get better, pick up - he was eternally optimistic but I realized that it was all just fantasy, not in the real world.

I grew up after having kids - I had to work to provide for them, and look after them, I see that as my duty as a parent - my ExP didn't grow up after having kids - he didn't have any drive to provide for them financially or give them a roof over their heads (or cook and clean for them). He has remained a happy-go-lucky guy who just likes to have fun and treats.
I really wanted the relationship to work, and just for him to meet me half way at least - this is why it limped along for so long. Until I decided I no longer needed an extra middle-aged toddler on top of my other 3 children.

Why do they do it?
*
Because they can.........*

^this

and this: They do see mess, but instead of seeing it as a task to be dealt with, they process it as something someone else (a woman) will deal with. Girl (and boy) children who grow up around servants who do all the chores, are exactly like this too.

There must be a better way of raising children... but i cant think what it is.

Well maybe not abroad since that might cause problems if he decides to fight for the kids to stay here, but certainly run off.

I have come to the conclusion that they don't see it

Oh, they absolutely do see it, but either (a) a certain amount of mess genuinely doesn't bother them, or (b) they know that someone will come along and tidy up after them if they leave it long enough

When you go back after maternity leave could he be a SAHP for a while? Would that give a better balance?

I put up with this for years - earned more money - did all the housework - all the childcare and took all the mental load. He worked longer hours than me and was self entilted so I let it slide. At least he was working long hours.....He then lost his job after a medical issue and could not be bothered to find another after he was better...always procrastinating. So he's at home doing nothing for over a year and I am still doing everything... I LTB (other things going on as well) and the only change I have noticed to my workload is a decrease! - I no longer have to cook twice in an evening as he did not want to eat with the children and I have less washing etc.

Did feminism work? We have got access to jobs etc but as far as I can see I did all the work my SAHM did and all the work my father did as well. Is that really progress??

Got to be honest for all the exhaustion being a lone parent brings I am so pleased I'm not saddled with some lazy/feckless/mean/cheating/abusive delete as applicable stinking farting lump. Freedom is utter bliss and I'd never marry or live with a chap again. If he won't buck his ideas up then it's time to make some big decisions. At least you have the self respect to see this is wrong and really crap of him.

Erm fluffy you do realise that most women worked long before feminism? For a while around the mid to late twentieth century there were a lot of SAHMs, but look a couple of generations further back into most people's families and the women would've been working in the factories, mills etc as well as having responsibility for the home. It isn't feminism that caused the double shift and it isn't feminism that continues to perpetrate it either.

i stopped doing the washing - he realised he had no more pants yesterday so - surprise surprise, down came the basket and on came the waching machine - i did make a comment that i wa ssurrised he knoew which buttons to press to tun the machine on. Hes so good in many other ways -good with kids, does night feeds - does school runs, cooks etc but for some reason, his mind draws a blank when it comes to certain things like washing, making sure kids have the right sized clothes, sending gifts to family etc etc.

as far as I can see I did all the work my SAHM did and all the work my father did as well. Is that really progress??

Aren't you choosing to do all that though? Is there any reason your husband or partner can't do half of it?

Feminism was never about imposing a double load on women but because it suits men and capitalism for women to do paid work, that’s where we’ve made most inroads. So women have had to do most of the adjusting to the modern world where most adults work for money while men have been able largely to carry on as usual (especially in the home). This is NOT the fault of feminism.

I do what I am happy to do and no more, and dh does what he is happy to do (including things I tell him to do if he does not appear to have noticed!) and it works for us, with everything getting done with minimal fuss. If your dh can't be bothered to help out even when asked and is generally grumpy and useless, then he doesn't sound of much use to you, more like another potentially unnecessary burden! Speak to him, make your expectations clear and tell him the consequences of not responding - if he behaves like a child, you might as well treat him like one!

100% agree with stickytoffeevodka. There have been hundreds, if not thousands of threads on this subject.

You've doubtless enabled him by doing it all from when you moved in together, then added to that by having children and continued to do it all. What's in it for him to now want to change and be a fully functioning adult? He sees himself only losing, not gaining anything which is why it is crucial to sort this stuff out at the beginning.

I wish you the very best of luck.