SAHM/Homemakers - What do you do all day?

[Fruem]

Those who choose to be a SAHM/homemaker, who don’t ‘have’ to work, what do you do all day?!

I’m talking the SAHM’s who don’t work from home. Who don’t have to look after the kids all day etc.

If you’ve done cleaning/washing/shopping etc. How do you fill your day?

I don't understand this criticism of people working long hours. My friend is a junior doctor, she works horrendously long hours but I would argue her job is the epitome of successful careers. There are few other jobs so vital and she us assured of a good income and an improving work life balance as she continues with her career.
Her husband works part time as they couldn't both work full time and handle childcare. Knowing he's at home with their children means she's much more comfortable with the hours she's working and the time she's away from her boys. In no way is she a distant, uncaring mother.

I was a SAHM for years... with school age children and a cleaner . Oh happy days.

I used to do a lot of fitness, was in fantastic shape. I popped to the beautician every couple of weeks - mani, pedi, eyebrows etc.

I did a fair bit of PTA stuff for school. Bit dull, but felt obliged.

I met friends for coffee. I shopped. I took tennis lessons. I dicked around on the internet. Bit boring and unfulfilling at times, but I'd often have some semi-invented project to keep me busy - reframing the pictures, or building a nook out of pallets.

These days I haul my sorry arse out of bed at 6, throw breakfast at my overtired children and drop-kick them at the child minder, yelling at them to remember to clean their teeth, as I sprint for the bus. I get home from work in time to cook something quick, then bedtime, sleep and repeat. Housework on Saturdays. I know which I preferred!

Housework, watch tv a lot, walking, shopping, cooking.

It has definitely helped my DH's career (which benefits us as a family) because I am available 24/7 when the kids have needed picking up after an accident, or when they are ill, other appointments e.g. doctor or dentist. Otherwise we would have had to take it in turns to do that kind of thing if I was still working. Plus he goes abroad a lot and gets about a week's notice. This just works better for us as a family, me being at home. He was a SAHD for the first two years then we swapped because after getting his degree he got a really good job, much better earning potential than me. We don't have any family to help us out with pick ups etc so it's just us. I don't know how we would cope if I was working too. Well, I do - we would have to use childcare (nothing wrong with that) which would take all my wage presumably and then some. So what's the point?!

randomly - different parents have different levels of what is acceptable in terms of being away from their children.

Even if my DH were a SAHP and it meant I could work all the hours I wanted to ensured I flourished I wouldn’t want to because I would miss my children and want to be with them.

You read some posts about dads who barely make it home for bedtime, if at all, and can go all week without spending any quality time with their children and I just can’t understand it. How can any parent be happy to see their children so little?

It’s all about priorities and unfortunately a lot of men prioritise their flourishing career over seeing their children and expect the wife to do the role he isn’t interested in doing himself.

Cherry - if one parent has the opportunity to make life- changing amounts of money over say, a 5-year period, would you hold them back. Would you say, "No DH, I insist you are home at 6pm so that I can continue on my fixed salary."

For instance, someone I know has a DH in the theatre. He does 9 month stints on Broadway or wherever. It's tough, but the DC understand that that's what he does and why he does it. The payoff is that they will never have to struggle financially and in this respect, their lives will be easier going into adulthood.

If being a SAHM is fine, if it suits you fine - but the constant criticism of those who do work and the little nit picking on how it is better for everyone and supporting their man - is all fine until the divorce

To be fair, on this thread, SAHM's have been surprisingly honest about how much free time they have, to do as they please. Makes a pleasant change from people claiming to be on duty 24/7, seven days a week, never able to go to the toilet in peace etc

But yes, I do wonder how many of these SAHM's would fare if their relationships ended.

I was a SAHM for 4 years but had my second child in that space and renovated the house too.

It wasn’t out of choice my eldest had health problems that are now pretty much resolved. I earned 20k more than my husband when I quit although his salary has risen and he earns more than I did when I quit.

After a year at home with the toddler and school age child my mental health was severely affected - I felt a bit helpless. I cared too much about mums on the school run, I cared too much about organising stuff all the time and I didn’t want to do housework.

So now I’ve got a part time job and yes the kids are in Childcare. I now fit the gym in and got a PT cos I’m earning I feel I can justify the cost.

I think my DH is helping out more he is but we manage somehow to fit stuff in we are busy and I do need a cleaner!

You read some posts about dads who barely make it home for bedtime, if at all, and can go all week without spending any quality time with their children and I just can’t understand it. How can any parent be happy to see their children so little?

It’s all about priorities and unfortunately a lot of men prioritise their flourishing career over seeing their children and expect the wife to do the role he isn’t interested in doing himself.

My DH doesn't make it home for bedtime most nights. He ISN'T happy with seeing his children so little, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care?! We BOTH prioritise his career at the moment because it benefits us all. He doesn't expect me to do anything and would in fact love to stay at home, but that's not the best thing for us as a family. He makes sure he is there for important things such as school plays etc. You cant say someone doesn't care about their children because they work long hours!!!

Glitterati that’s not common though is it? It’s likely it’s nothing like life changing and they’re hiding in the office on Facebook to avoid bathtime. And both they and heir wives are choosing to view that as a sign of success and riches.

Agreed, there are lots of jobs that take all hours. My friend is also a medic and her shifts are long and she often stays later than that. However, I wouldn’t quite compare that role to a corporate monkey in senior management working all hours to “get ahead”

What does he do lucky?

zzzzz or the equally hideous the only way to do it is to be clones of each other.

I completely agree with this.

Being fair doesn't mean splitting every task 50:50.
As long as effort is shared equally that what counts.

I have done 90% of childcare - I still do all the family finances etc, there are things my OH does that I don't get involved with. And he works three times as long as I do.
That means I can swan off to the gym, but happy to bear the brunt of housework.

I agree with pp saying a sahm isn’t necessary to progress ones career but the reality is a lot of men progress very well as a result of a sahm.
I had a good career and I hired a nanny to cover my hours but no one can replace a parent looking after their own children. I’ve had my nanny for 5 years now this year and she’s amazing. My dd loves her but she could never replace myself or my h. I only realised that when I did quit work and saw how much extra I could allow my dd to do if I was there to put in the extra. My nanny is amazing and helps with hw etc but my nanny is doing her day job. She has no real interest on a regular basis to squeeze as much activities and education into an hour as possible. I do as I’m a parent.
My h career now flourishing and the only thing that pisses me off is if we divorce is that he will carry on going up the ladder and I will get nothing to show for it. If he doesn’t want to do 50:50 shared care thereafter no one will force him. That’s wrong.
We couldn’t continue with both parents working it was too stressful. The breadwinner won. If I’d have earned as much as h I would have expected him to be a sahd.

My dh sounds similar *lucky

He was disciplined in one of his earlier jobs because he was leaving at 6pm to get home to see our son

A corporate monkey trying to get ahead!

That’s interesting. I think another difference you often see between successful men and women is IME women try to proceed their career before children as they know they’re chances are limited after (sexist, facilitated by some of the men mentioned on this thread) however being disciplined for leaving the office at 6pm must mean he’s quite junior anyway?

I take it that's not meant for me? He doesn't leave at 6 most nights. In fact he is away on business right now.

No one made me become a sahm - it wasn't expected or demanded. My dh supported whatever I chose and if I'd continued with my job, he would have adapted accordingly. But it is still true to say that in sah, it has helped his career simply because he doesn't have to refuse travel/work 9-5 because of childcare considerations.

I find it massively insulting to dh that long hours imply to some posters that he has no interest in his children - he works hard because he cares for his dc and wants to provide for them. He might not cook dinner very often but the skills he has acquired at work are invaluable in helping our dc now they are older and need to produce CVs and attend interviews. He has always tried to attend parent evenings and school plays and is a fully involved parent. You don't have to be doing the school run for that, as wohp well know.

Kids dont need to be home 'all day' to thrive in a loving environment.

My mum is a SAHM, youngest left Home 10 years ago. Until recently Mum managed her elderly parents, they lived fairly locally but both had dementia so Mum managed their household and live in career etc, now they are both dead she has time to do what she likes. This appears to be mostly based around historical research, she's a history bore geek. She has a cleaner for the bulk of the house work but still has laundry and cooking to do.

No the poster above. But going away on business regularly is another- presented as progression when it’s actually just drawing the short straw. You’re being duped I tell you!

lucky

It was for you

I was just trying to say that even if my husband wanted to leave early some firms are so against it that they discipline their staff

We both know that work doesnt stop when they leave the office

Dh would start when again once ds1 was in bed

No one made me become a sahm - it wasn't expected or demanded. My dh supported whatever I chose and if I'd continued with my job, he would have adapted accordingly. But it is still true to say that in sah, it has helped his career simply because he doesn't have to refuse travel/work 9-5 because of childcare considerations.

I find it massively insulting to dh that long hours imply to some posters that he has no interest in his children - he works hard because he cares for his dc and wants to provide for them. He might not cook dinner very often but the skills he has acquired at work are invaluable in helping our dc now they are older and need to produce CVs and attend interviews. He has always tried to attend parent evenings and school plays and is a fully involved parent. You don't have to be doing the school run for that, as wohp well know.

Ditto.

Massive crossposts there

I was for 4 yrs with no kids at home.

Tidy up
Lunch with friends
Sleep
Read
Cook
Volunteer
Support groups
Surf the net
Coffee mornings

Whatever I wanted really. By the time you take the children to school and home it's 9.30 then leave for pick up starts at 2.30...its really not that much time to fill.