Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to object when my father comes to my house and calls me an underacheiver

64 replies

colditz · 26/04/2007 20:49

then leaves after refusing to listen to me telling him why I think that's an unfair thing to say saying "I can see your upset and I don't want confrontation with you"

WELL I FUCKING DO.

OP posts:
lulumama · 26/04/2007 20:51

yanbu

Original poster
colditz · 26/04/2007 20:52

And

I was perfectly happy and he has left me in floods of fucking tears, and there is nobody here at all as he well knows, so I am sat bawling my head of to my fucking self.

Yes, fine, he is entitled to his opinions but he is NOT entitled to make someone cry and then run off.

OP posts:
lulumama · 26/04/2007 20:53

and you have underachieved how? by making a go of your life, and being the only mature adult in the lives of your DCs?? what precisely did he aim to achieve?

TheWoman · 26/04/2007 20:53

he's being unreasonable and unkind.

dmo · 26/04/2007 20:53

why does he think that?

Original poster
colditz · 26/04/2007 20:54

I'm angry with him for saying it and angry wityh myself for reacting. He always says stuff like this, and yes, it's true, I could have done better at school, but school was 10 FUCKING YEARS AGO, and he needs to get off my case about something a 16 year old girl did. I have no control over that girl now, even if I did then. He helped create the mess I am, the least he could do is have the grace not to critisize it.

OP posts:
MrsApron · 26/04/2007 20:55

he is a cunt Colditz.

staceym11 · 26/04/2007 20:55

oh colditz, how insensitive and unkind!

yanbu and i can completely understand.

Original poster
colditz · 26/04/2007 20:56

He doesn't say it in anger, he says it in disbelief - like he cannot see how it happened. He thinks he put all the right ingredients in, the base materials were good, he was expecting gateau and what he got was burnt fairy cakes and he doesn't understand why.

OP posts:
TheWoman · 26/04/2007 20:57

you are not a mess, colditz.
you are a fab mother.

staceym11 · 26/04/2007 20:57

colditz you have nothing to be upset about (except the insensitiveness of it) you cannot change the past but you are making a positive life for yourself now.

i was pg at 17 and my dad had high hopes for me but its different now, i have 2 children and im making the best of what iv got. how unkind of him not to see that in you!

princesscc · 26/04/2007 20:58

God, that is just a really shitty, shitty thing to say to anyone, let alone your flesh and blood. Why would he think that? Is he comparing you to any siblings?

hertsnessex · 26/04/2007 20:58

WTF? You poor thing. thinknig of you.

cx

Original poster
colditz · 26/04/2007 20:59

He always tells me I do really well 'considering'

Then when I object he accuses me of trying to start and argument. I am so upset and frustrated and angry I think my eyeballs are going to pop out

OP posts:
Original poster
colditz · 26/04/2007 21:00

No, apparently, we're all underachievers. When I pointed out that he is an over-expecter, he said I wasn't being fair.

OP posts:
staceym11 · 26/04/2007 21:00

not considering anything, you made your bed, you've laid in it, you have a good life. is there any chance of sitting him down one day and making him listen to your side?

Original poster
colditz · 26/04/2007 21:01

I really really wanted to stop thinking of myself as a loser this week, but it's hard when someone fucking tells you you're a loser, even if you don't agree with them.

OP posts:
hermykne · 26/04/2007 21:01

oh god colditz this could be me
and i've posted awhile back on my father.
v difficult
talk it over with your partner or best friend and move one step away and decide what u want with him from him. lower your expectation if necessary and find a n other outlet for what you expect.

a great book i had was by an irish guy tony humphries on families.
clearly identifies the traits of so many and helps you negotiate them so you feel 100% intact and proud.

might be on amazon

Original poster
colditz · 26/04/2007 21:02

he won't, he walks out and says he doesn't want a confrontation.

What I think is that he doesn't want his opinions to be challenged by someone he still thinks of as a vaguely incompetant child.

OP posts:
princesscc · 26/04/2007 21:03

Do you think that its actually his underacheiving thats making him say these things. How can he be better than everyone else? What a tosser!

hermykne · 26/04/2007 21:03

colditz i'm going to find this book for you

staceym11 · 26/04/2007 21:03

colditz you are not a loser, i have read your posts since i became a member on here and you make an awful lot of sense and seem to be a loving caring mother who does the best you can do. which is what all of us are asiping to. please dont let this get you down!

Original poster
colditz · 26/04/2007 21:04

he openly admits he was an under acheiver.

You know, he really doesn't seem to realise that I have feelings and that the things he says hurt and upset me, and furthermore, I can do nothing about the very thing he is moaning about so he is upsetting me for nothing anyway!

OP posts:
newlifenewname · 26/04/2007 21:05

You know he's wrong but it fecking hurts doesn't it?

x

Both my parents do this to me. My mother does a nice line in 'what did I do wrong, this shouldn't be happening@ guilt inducement.

Sympathies.

Original poster
colditz · 26/04/2007 21:06

He critisizes without offering solutions, he always has, all my life, and I think that's the main reason I am so anxious. I never know whether the things I am told I 'should' be doing are even bloody possible!

OP posts: