To want to object when my father comes to my house and calls me an underacheiver

[colditz]

then leaves after refusing to listen to me telling him why I think that's an unfair thing to say saying "I can see your upset and I don't want confrontation with you"

WELL I FUCKING DO.

This is because you have been undermined by him for yonks, no?

Think of it as doing him a favour - you are showing him how to be a nicer person so not hurting him at all!

Don't think you need to send it though.

I really think you need to give yourself permission to stand up to his abusiveness.

colditz
i have to reiterate you need to deicede yourself for yourself what you need from the relationship now
and step away from the memories be they good or bad.
i reallly think if u do that you will be stronger and in ab better position to handle him whenever he comes knocking. it has to be on your terms.

have emailed you hermykne

colditz - one thing that strikes me out of all this (on top of what everyone else here says, which I echo whole-heartedly) is that it seems as if your dad has a very static view on the life off his off spring. from what I can gather (and I'm piecing things together here) you're in your mid-late 20s, you had kids (possibly earlier than he expected?) and you missed out a bit on education. and somehow your dad seems to be writing you off two things: 1. there's nothing under-achieving about bringing up happy kids; and if you're managing that on benefits then that's more credit to you not less. 2. it ain't over til the fat lady sings. he should stop dwelling on the past (news flash: you can;t change the past) and support you in your future of which there's actually quite a lot.

I feel upset and angry on your behalf colditz. you show a lot of good grace in your letter. Your dad needs to realise he's lucky to have you.

What would he have liked you to do? Doing well at school isn't necessary to "achieve" things, whatever achievement means.

you're not alone having a father that doesn't listen and can't discuss. I have one, i think he's said well done to me once! i don't have a father/daughter relationship with him, he doesn't know how to and he's not interested. he's been in my house four times in six years and my children only see him if i take them into his business.
my mother i find is very judgmental and i finbe it hard to want to make much contact with her and let her know about the children

i do have a (most of the time) good DH so perhaps it makes it easier for me to come to terms with the fact i am much happier keeping my parents at arms length and accepting that is how they are and i can't change them. i look at my children and decide i will try my damnist not to repeat my parent relationships with them.

Father /daughter relationships are important to girls so i know how it feels to not feel loved/listened to/appreciated by your father as much as you want to be. my father did not come to my wedding and in the following 6 years he has never explained why. i am now also having to come to terms with the fact he did something which has sickened and saddend (nothing illegal!) but his reasoning just does not make it acceptable. he's let down me, my siblintgs and my children with one act that he did not see had consequences. he will never discuss it and never wish to see my view.
anyway what i am trying to show is very few families have perfect relationships and you just have to try and improve on what you experienced for you parenting your children

there is a saying you can't teach old dogs new tricks. just love yourself and your children and too hell with what he says.

He rang and apologised! He actually rang and apologised!

His girlfriend gave him the bollocking of his life, apparently, and told him he was out of order.

So we are friends again. For now.

He really must learn to think before he speaks, and that everyone can hear whatever he is mentally musing upon when he says it out loud

Wow Colditz, result! (and good on his girlfriend )

lol at the mental musings aloud - it's the sort of thing men, 4 year olds and old people do

get the simpsons spirit

under-achiever and proud of it

just read the thread. Good ending.

Did you send the letter?

I think your letter is basically agreeing with his character assassination of you.
There isnt a correct level of achievement, and you dont exist on this earth to impress or validate his ego as a parent.

I think that id turn it back on him. Tell him "yeah, I blame the parents" or "gosh, you must feel so disappointed in your feckless daughter. Have you considered getting therapy to get past it"