To want to object when my father comes to my house and calls me an underacheiver

[colditz]

then leaves after refusing to listen to me telling him why I think that's an unfair thing to say saying "I can see your upset and I don't want confrontation with you"

WELL I FUCKING DO.

here

i am not one for these "lifestyle" change your life books ,and this isnt in that category at all. this guy writes in the irish times (national irish paper ) and is highly credited for his insights . its far more physocial than that but v intutitive.

hes wants to live out his dreams through you, which jsut isnt gunna happen, esp as hes basically asking you to change the past. it cannot be done, some day he must come to realise this

Could you try writing to him if he won't discuss it? Let him know how much the things he says hurt and upset you.

I had such a similar thing with my dad. He thinks i'm an underacheiver because i did well at school and university, but never earned much money as i worked in the public sector then a sahm, and am now self employed and earning not much. He always tells me where he'd expected / hoped i'd be. He always compares me to his very well off private school educated step-kids. There's nothing more hurtful than a disinterested / disappointed parent. Tell him, but in a way that means he has to listen and can't leg it, like a letter or email

which one is it hermykne?

Thank you all, sorry I got lost in my own furious ranting. I hate this. I love my dad, and sometimes I hate him a bit too.

he had brought me round a lovely plated dinner with chicken pie etc, and now I don't want to eat it because it will be as gall and wormwood.

colditz, yanbu.. write it all down for him - tell him some of the things you have said on this thread. Write about how hurt you feel, do it now and then reread it tomorrow, and either send it to him, or rewrite it. If he won't listen he can at least do you the courtesy of reading (and hopefully starting to understand) how you feel.

X post with boco!

I think the only way to deal with this kind of crap (and I'm not an expert, just going through it) is to start accepting that as much as you love them, people who do this actually aren't very nice in several respects.

This often then leads to a sense of loss (of your idealised parent) and grief.

We all have to deal with familial reality and the change from what we thought was perfection to a more realistic view but with some parents this means accepting some major flaws.

Until this kind of acceptance can be reached then we stay feeling bad about ourselves and like we could change ourselves in some way. Knowing deep down that we can't leads to anger and so one has a horrible mix of resentment, anger and guilt.

Very confusing and upsetting...

I also find that this can be more about the parent's need for control above all else - that is where high expectations often come from and so the chicken dinner paves the way for some heavy manioulation through guilt.

All controlling individuals are, I think, acutely aware of how little control they have and so they continually try to rewrite the past in a tormented and vain attempt to achieve perfection in their lives.

How miserable to bear the brunt of that.

i HAVE DRAFTED A LETTER, SHALL i TYPE IT UP?

Oops

I will do it anyway actually, It might help me to come back to it next year

Friend of mine who is in therapy recommends mind mapping...

Colditz, that's AWFUL, you poor thing don't know what to say really {{hugs}} to you.

Colditz

From what you have posted on here in the past I would have no hesitation in telling him that whilst the base ingredients may well have been right - no amount of quality ingredients is going to overcome the problem that the fucking chef is a bullying abusive arsehole, who couldn;t raise a child if his whole life depended on it!

Go on - tell him it like it really is. Yell him to get angry with the right person - him not YOU!

dear Dad

I am sorry that we fell out tonight, but I also feel that if you are goingt to level accusations then you shouldn't walk out on the after effects, as this means you never get to see the effect of words like "under achiever".

The effect of throwing words like that around is that you leave people feeling hurt and upset. Nevertheless, you still do it, so either you don't realise the effect name-calling can have, or you just6 don't care.

the truth is, I could stand to be made to cry for a reason, but calling me and under achiever is pointless. It won't change where I live, my lack of income, lack of status, and existance of my children, low education and job status, the fact that I have tyo claim benefits to support myself and my children - a lot of things will change most of the above - time springs to mind - but calling me names and lamenting your lack of offspring to be proud of WON'T.

I do have my faults, and they are legion, but I belive it rude to point them out and flounce off when the favour is returned.

You are right5 when you say no educational pressure was put upon us - you put a pressure of expectation and disappointment on us instead. You made it clear that you would be disappointed with a lack of achievement, you informed us that you expected us to achieve. Then you left it in the hands of teenagers and shouted a lot. The words "Well done" were not frequent visitors, but the words "For Christ's sake child, are you STUPID!?" ring in my ears to this very day.

and until you start to critisize me, i go out of my way to let the past alone., and not critisize you.

i am grateful for your help, but the aimless "wondering what I did wrong" can take a jump - and if the help is conditional on me putting up with the critisism, I will do without both.

I love you very much but you have to stop telling me what a failure I am.

XX

colditz
whos life are you living
self esteem
myself my partner

all v good.

its seem s so unlogical to thin that there is a pattern to this type of behaviour but there in a sense is.
what you need is to recognize it, recognize your needs out of the realtionship, put to bed the shitty stuff and tell him so, and how u can deal with his behaviour in the future so you dont cry basically

i've cried. and hopefully i wont in the future but i look at my kids and wonder why / how can someone be so ungenerous at time (like you i got a handbag home from paris recently - like the chicken pie) in the spirit (i'm using that word to describe a way of being - i'm not relgigous nor is my fahter at all) to me and mine

colditz
"the words stupid" - jesus your dad is mine.
please email me [email protected] with your address and i'll post this book to you.

i promise you'll rise above it

and take out " i know i have my faults"...youre giving him an opportunity to see you have and to say "you said so yourself", your faults are normal natural and dont beat yourself up about them.
youre a good person.

Colditz i think that letter is brilliant

Good letter.

Wouldn't start with an apology though. Your bravery is there but the victim that he has made you seeps through a little.

If I were you I'd write a letter setting out the conditions of your future relationship - your 'bottom lines' and do very little explaining or justification of yourself.

colditz
"expectation and dissappointment"

your children and partner now are the only ones you need to perform too. you have to step away and he has to be made aware that you are STEPPING away from that "e & d"

you are so very very happy to have a realtionship on the XXX following terms

and you state them clearly and loudly.

you are too busy to have to physcological dela with this

great letter, Colditz! Agree with nlnn about not apologising...you have nothing to be sorry for.

I do hope you all know

I will never send it.

But next time he calls me an under achivever I will stagevoise "I do not wish to talk about your opinions of me"

Why don't you send it?

It might do your dad good to think before he makes stupid hurtful comments, it might help you both

I would send it

I think it's a good, dignified letter and actually quite kind considering what he said to you

I hope you feel better for writing it, anyway. You are more emotionally articulate than he is.

you don't necessarily need to send it. Writing it is carthartic, and hopefully good.

I do feel better for having written it. I think i will keep it for a while, and if he winds me up again I willl edit and send.

I find it impossible to do something or say something that I know will hurt someone's feelings.

My dad is quite self absorbed and probably didn't think before he opened his mouth. Whereas sending this letter, although kinder and better justified han what he said to me, would be and act of cold blood, and I just don't think I can.

My mum has done this to me for years. I believed her, and it has affected how I do at work, my relationships and my self-esteem. She lost it completely and didn't know how to react when I turned it back on her a couple of years ago and said she really needed help to work out why she was so bitter and unhappy about her own life that she had to take it out on others.
I find it helps to depersonalise it - what would you say to someone who told you their father had just spoken to them like that?
I wouldn't send the letter. Just be guided by how you felt when you wrote it.