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Original poster

Asking my ex for an extra weeks holiday with our teenager

80 replies

ready2glow · 16/01/2018 12:02

My son is 15 1/2 and very mature for his age. Ive been to court several times with his father a very difficult angry screaming Italian who's tried several times to get full custody and live in Italy. he's never won.
Our son lives with me and 10 years ago court order set out that we split half the school holidays and alternative weekends.
We have deviated from this and out of good faith Ive always tried to be reasonable and EVERY school holiday I have given more to his father so he can take him to visit his Italian family. This has happened every holiday for 10 years. Sometimes I have allowed him to have the whole holiday!
Now I wish to have the 2 weeks at Easter to take our son on a once in a lifetime trip to Thailand. I know he needs this extra stimulation and the benefits for him. I have asked his father if just for once he would mind we take the 2 weeks of the easter holiday rather than just the one week so we can go to Thailand, I have even offered more if he want s ALL of the Summer holidays in return and he has refused.

I sent him several heartfelt messages asking him to meet together to discuss this matter I usually get along abusive texts back. Now after one angry message where he claims he's already booked eater off work and the trip to go to Italy he's gone silent. I know because i know him so well he will now be in touch with his lawyer to get her to write me a letter for suggesting i breach the custody order.

Am I being unreasonable when we have adapted this order in the past every time to suit his needs?

Also may i add my son does not want to go to Italy this easter but much prefers to in the summer

OP posts:
Vanessatiger · 17/01/2018 01:38

I book big holidays 3-4 weeks before the holiday itself.. it depends on the person no?

CommanderDaisy · 17/01/2018 02:47

Ask your son what he wants to do. If your case went back to court decisions would involve alot of your sons wishes now.

Stop being accomodating to your ex re holidays, as it is now evident he will not return the favour. Keep to the letter of the current court orders and stop being flexible.

Easter is also the hottest time of the year in Thailand with really heavy rainfall ( in parts )and stinking humidity. It's very enervating for a trip such as you've planned esp. coming from wintery UK . Your ex may inadvertantly be doing you both a favour with this refusal.

Jenny70 · 17/01/2018 02:48

Such a shame that Dad is being difficult to score points with you (it would seem), I'm sure a conversation with your son would show him what his teenage child wants to do, on this occasion.

Going forward, I wouldn't get a court order etc, I would just be a stickler for splitting holiday time half half.

I would send ex a message to say you are disappointed to not be able to take him, and from now on the agreement for half/half must be abided by with BOTH parties.

Start arranging weeks for 2018 holiday time now, lock it in, no changes. Point out to ex that if he isn't prepared to be flexible, you want certainty about when son is with you so you can arrange your own holidays. You will not be agreeing to longer time during summer (or easter) due to his refusal on this matter.

Stop allowing the 3.5-4 weeks of summer time to be taken by ex, if he isn't going to be flexible, then he will lose out (not to mention damaging the relationship with his son).

Socksey · 17/01/2018 06:12

Agree with jenny above....
If he's not willing to give and take then tell him fair enough that he can have one week of the Easter Holidays as stipulated bybgge court order, not more

Socksey · 17/01/2018 06:14

And the same in the summer.... no more 4 or 5 weeks of the summer holidays...

WalkingEverywhere · 17/01/2018 09:08

Is there a reason it has to be Thailand? What about a week in Russia or Norway or somewhere else. 🤷🏻‍♀️

TiredMumToTwo · 17/01/2018 09:15

I would pick your battles, you want to take your son on holiday, he doesn’t need to go to Thailand. Wait till he’s older or go another time on your time not his Dad’s. I don’t think his Dad is being fair but I wouldn’t pick a fight over a holiday.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/01/2018 09:18

Yes! Pick your battles.

Back to court, get that maintenance, stick to the letter of the court ordered contact, unless your DS instigates a change - let him decide about Thailand! Tell you ex he needs to get with the court ordered programme.

You managed to physically leave him, now you seem to need to work on mentally shedding his influence too!

Your DS is almost 16, well old enough to see who manipulates what!

FluffyWuffy100 · 17/01/2018 09:18

Is there a reason it has to be Thailand? What about a week in Russia or Norway or somewhere else

Lol only on MN would Russia or Norway be given as an alternative to Thailand. Russia and Norway are hardly tropical paradise with hot weather, beeches and warm sea and good snorkelling are they?!?!?

Also Easter in thailand is just fine if you stick down south around Koh Tao.

Megs4x3 · 17/01/2018 10:06

'Back to court. Get that maintenance.' Does anyone realise how expensive that is, how long it takes and the upset its likely to cause with an unreasonable ex? It's really not worth it with an almost 16-year-old who will age-out soon. Pulling back on extra weeks will only work if DS goes along with it too. He may be keen on a holiday in Thailand but not willing to forego a summer in Itally. Dealing with an unreasonable ex is horrendous, and not as simple as 'just do .....'

SometimesMaybe · 17/01/2018 11:17

Get a solicitors letter, stating that you don’t think it is unreasonable to ask for extra holidays given your flexibility in the past. Unfortunately should your ex be unable to accommodate your request you will be unable to allow deviation from the court order in future.
Then leave it at that. No drama, no court, just state your position and leave it at that. Save up for another year and go somewhere nice next summer. Don’t let him get to you, remain calm, don’t let your son know about the holiday and abide by the court order.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/01/2018 11:28

Does anyone realise how expensive that is, how long it takes and the upset its likely to cause with an unreasonable ex? It's really not worth it with an almost 16-year-old who will age-out soon.

My thoughts were that, as DS is almost 16, there may well be a lot of missing payments and now, as DS is more grown up, OP may be in a better place to chase it. OP can always give her DS the money for Uni, a car etc, if she has managed to keep her own financial head above water!

There is fuck all reason for the ex to get away with it whilst being such a crappy person. Why effectively walk way and let him get away without supporting his own child? unless holidays are al it takes!

Megs4x3 · 17/01/2018 11:34

I guess you have to have been there to understand how miserable an ex can make life for you and your children if you're doing something he doesn't want you to do. Other people's lives are usually not so simple to fix as we think.

Blackteadrinker77 · 17/01/2018 11:35

I sort of see it from the Fathers side, I have to book my Easter time off in September the previous year.

This would be far too short notice to change weeks.

fannyfelcher · 17/01/2018 11:38

At almost 16 years old your son is old enough to make his mind up on his own. Let your son write your ex a letter detailing that he wants to go to Thailand and will go to Italy in the summer. Make three copies, send one to your ex, one to you and one to your solicitor (all three signed for delivery). Then, if your ex insists on going to court, its fine. Go to court. The court do and will favour your son and what he wants to do. he is not refusing to see his dad, he simply wants a two week holiday with his mum and the only time you can afford it is at easter. Also ask the judge to end the order when your son turns 16. Nobody should be able to dictate his life after that.

BrendaUmbrella · 17/01/2018 11:43

I sort of see it from the Fathers side, I have to book my Easter time off in September the previous year.

Then he should have communicated with the OP before taking the time off - if that's what he actually did.

BrendaUmbrella · 17/01/2018 11:47

A very good point OP - how long has this arrangement been in place and how long does it last? Until he's 16? Find out. If this is the last 6 months he has left to pull your strings, let him get on with it. Book your dream holiday for afterward.

Blackteadrinker77 · 17/01/2018 12:13

@Brendaumbrella-Why should he have communicated this to the OP when it is his court ordered time to have his son?

timeisnotaline · 17/01/2018 12:20

IF my son wanted to go, and the op has said nothing at all about her son’s wishes, I’d book it and go. He doesn’t pay maintenance, he has bullied you and consistently taken more holiday time with your son than you have, i couldn’t care less what he thinks. He sees him every week so he’s hardly deprived by missing a holiday he wasn’t allocated all of by court anyway. I’d remind him that ds will soon make all of his own decisions and he will have to learn to recognise his thoughts and wishes if he wants to have a son ( unless ds thinks he’s fabulous- again your son is a complete non entity in this thread except that court stresses him)

Original poster
ready2glow · 20/01/2018 17:29

So he point blank refusing to let him go even though ive given him the whole 2 week easter holidays a few times. I think I need to see a lawyer
:(

OP posts:
QueenFrosta · 20/01/2018 17:51

You do need to see a lawyer - and you need to stick to the terms of the order from now on. Tell your ex that. Send an email/text listing all the times you let him breach the contact order for holidays, and state that as he will not be flexible as you were, you will stick by the court order from now on.

QueenFrosta · 20/01/2018 17:51

You do need to see a lawyer - and you need to stick to the terms of the order from now on. Tell your ex that. Send an email/text listing all the times you let him breach the contact order for holidays, and state that as he will not be flexible as you were, you will stick by the court order from now on.

QueenFrosta · 20/01/2018 17:51

You do need to see a lawyer - and you need to stick to the terms of the order from now on. Tell your ex that. Send an email/text listing all the times you let him breach the contact order for holidays, and state that as he will not be flexible as you were, you will stick by the court order from now on.

QueenFrosta · 20/01/2018 17:51

Does your son want to go with you?

You do need to see a lawyer - and you need to stick to the terms of the order from now on. Tell your ex that. Send an email/text listing all the times you let him breach the contact order for holidays, and state that as he will not be flexible as you were, you will stick by the court order from now on.

QueenFrosta · 20/01/2018 17:51

Does your son want to go with you?

You do need to see a lawyer - and you need to stick to the terms of the order from now on. Tell your ex that. Send an email/text listing all the times you let him breach the contact order for holidays, and state that as he will not be flexible as you were, you will stick by the court order from now on.