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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking my ex for an extra weeks holiday with our teenager

80 replies

ready2glow · 16/01/2018 12:02

My son is 15 1/2 and very mature for his age. Ive been to court several times with his father a very difficult angry screaming Italian who's tried several times to get full custody and live in Italy. he's never won.
Our son lives with me and 10 years ago court order set out that we split half the school holidays and alternative weekends.
We have deviated from this and out of good faith Ive always tried to be reasonable and EVERY school holiday I have given more to his father so he can take him to visit his Italian family. This has happened every holiday for 10 years. Sometimes I have allowed him to have the whole holiday!
Now I wish to have the 2 weeks at Easter to take our son on a once in a lifetime trip to Thailand. I know he needs this extra stimulation and the benefits for him. I have asked his father if just for once he would mind we take the 2 weeks of the easter holiday rather than just the one week so we can go to Thailand, I have even offered more if he want s ALL of the Summer holidays in return and he has refused.

I sent him several heartfelt messages asking him to meet together to discuss this matter I usually get along abusive texts back. Now after one angry message where he claims he's already booked eater off work and the trip to go to Italy he's gone silent. I know because i know him so well he will now be in touch with his lawyer to get her to write me a letter for suggesting i breach the custody order.

Am I being unreasonable when we have adapted this order in the past every time to suit his needs?

Also may i add my son does not want to go to Italy this easter but much prefers to in the summer

OP posts:
Hissy · 16/01/2018 13:51

Was the week you were supposed to have him at easter already known?

If not, how would have booked easter flights?.... I reckon he's lying..

If you have residency, I don't think you need to ask his permission to travel for trips of under 28 days - check the law on this and then get advice.

He's using this to further upset and frustrate you

Hissy · 16/01/2018 13:52

I also suggest that your DS can tell his dad that he wants to go to Thailand at Easter, but that he can stay longer in the summer

Your DS is old enough to decide for himself and have everyone respect that

Trinity66 · 16/01/2018 13:57

At 15 years old, your son should be able to decide himself tbf, i reckon if you went into the family law court and asked for this, they would grant it

Trinity66 · 16/01/2018 13:59

also, as others have said, does your son not speak to him himself and tell him what does and does not suit him? My DD is from a previous relationship, she's 17 now but since she was 14/15 she's dealt with her dad herself about trips and when she stays etc

DancesWithOtters · 16/01/2018 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marnie182 · 16/01/2018 15:01

What does your son want to do? He's old enough to decide for himself now.

bemusedSpectator · 16/01/2018 15:12

I think you need to honestly ask yourself what you would think if your son was going on extravagant holidays with his Dad when it was "your time". Would you think that your son can make his own mind up? That's a slippery slope where the one with the most disposable income could win.

Original poster
ready2glow · 16/01/2018 15:29

@bemusedSpectator
He has as much income as me, probably more i have just been saving up.
His dad goes to Italy with his son 3 times a year between 5-7 weeks while we usually only manage one week away as money has been very hard in the past. I am a single mother with a mortgage and not maintenance from him, ive given up.
His father has been away on holiday with our son many times when it has been "my time" this is the point Ive always allowed more. please read the thread.
I would ask you to please stop judging me as you dont know the facts.
There has been domestic violence in this relationship and he has taken me to court several times at the sufferance of our son only to be labelled a narcissistic by every judge.

OP posts:
bemusedSpectator · 16/01/2018 15:33

"He has as much income as me, probably more"

Exactly. If this becomes a tempt-the-son game you may well end up seeing less and less of your son.

You asked for opinions / judgement and provided evidence. It seems strange to ask posters not to give their thoughts. If you were after agreement but nothing suggesting a different opinion then why bother posting.

I think you were reasonable to ask your ex. He said no. I think you're unreasonable to now ignore court judgement (whether still applicable or not) and I think that if you want to change the rules you have absolutely no comeback if your ex does too.

Vanessatiger · 16/01/2018 15:34

Why is it seen as being “generous” when one parent lets the other spend time with their kid?

Why can’t you go to Thailand during the summer holidays? Why take away the one week the dad has with his son during easter?
Or why don’t you book for Thailand during Christmas.

Thailand is way hot and humid during Easter plus it is Songkran time.

Megs4x3 · 16/01/2018 15:50

Because it is generous to let one parent hog all or even most of the social time as this father has been doing.

helenoftroyville · 16/01/2018 17:37

Well, if he won't let you have Easter, then you will have to take him in the summer and Ex will not be able to take him to see family in Italy,l like he usually does.

Also, if he is indeed a narcissist you will never reason with him or receive any sensible resolution. So sorry, but at heady your DS is almost old enough to choose exactly how he die DS his time.

Andrewofgg · 16/01/2018 17:41

If he's made and paid for arrangements in what he expected to be "his time" that should be the end of it.

witcheshats · 16/01/2018 17:55

I think you were reasonable to ask your ex. He said no. I think you're unreasonable to now ignore court judgement (whether still applicable or not) and I think that if you want to change the rules you have absolutely no comeback if your ex does too.

I think that's really unfair since the OP has been bending the rules up to now to benefit the father. I definitely think at his age the boy should get to decide - unless that would stress him out or upset him.

The bottom line is, you have been accommodating, and if he won't now be flexible, that should be the end of flexibility that goes his way too.

pinkbraces · 16/01/2018 18:02

your son is 15, if he wants to go to Thailand I would take him. Contact arrangements are supposed to be for the good of the child, not of the parent.

Heartoffire · 16/01/2018 18:51

I think you should both step back and let your son tell you both what he wants to do.

He needs to contact his dad and then then you both agree to his wishes. He’s 15, no country would enforce any contact he doesn’t want.

Allthebestnamesareused · 16/01/2018 19:25

If you go during the week you have your son then he can't actually stop you assuming you have DS's passport.

VeganIan · 16/01/2018 21:44

Tell him if he won't let you have the extra week to go at Easter then you won't let him have the extra time over the summer holidays. Use a solicitor to write a letter if it feels safer. There is room for negotiation here.

RandomMess · 16/01/2018 21:49

I would ask your DS how he would feel about standing up to his Dad over this?

If you delayed for a year he will be 16 and quite frankly nothing your ex could do...

afrikat · 16/01/2018 21:57

Agree with others - your son should get a say in this.
If your ex refuses I would definitely state that you will be 'working to rule' and sticking with the court ordered arrangements from now on so no more extra holidays for him

BettyBaggins · 16/01/2018 22:11

That sounds like an amazing holiday adventure for you and your son. I think the stimulation of seeing a further part of this amazing planet will inspire him for years to come. You have clearly been very generous in the past.

Can you get a bit of legal advice? Would legal matters here at MN be helpful to ask? Do your son and ex get on well? Does your son know about the domestic violence? How old will your son be at Easter?

Julie8008 · 16/01/2018 22:17

Its your sons call. But he lives with you so to suggest his dad doesn't see him at Easter is probably unreasonable and I think a court would agree unless your son is strongly in agreement.

Is it really worth putting him through that again?

m0therofdragons · 16/01/2018 23:31

The Easter holiday is 2.5 months away and you've been saving for ages so why have you only just had this conversation now? I don't really get it as I'm someone who books big holidays every few years and would have had everything booked by now like flights etc can't imagine leaving it so late to confirm a once in a lifetime holiday totally misses point of the thread

BrendaUmbrella · 17/01/2018 00:14

Why is it seen as being “generous” when one parent lets the other spend time with their kid?

Why is it being seen as reasonable that the father gets however much contact he likes but the mother alone must stick to the court ruling?

BrendaUmbrella · 17/01/2018 00:16

Be steered in this by your son. He's nearly 16. What does he want to do?