Does being cheated on change you?

[Lovespringtime]

Has it changed any of you? Will you always have your guard up?

@linedpaperink

Yes I still have to deal with those situations but I ask my current husband to contact him and talk through arrangements. On the odd occasion I have to speak to him I’m stony and cold and will only discuss children and arrangements. Any other attempt at talk about ‘us’ or the past is cut dead. No point in raking over old wounds. He can’t take it back.

I don’t know why I posted twice sorry! The first one said it hadn’t posted so I redid it. My apologies

It changed me definitely. I found out about a two year affair with my then DP just after we bought our first house together. There had been many instances of my gut instinct telling me something wasn't right but I didn't ever have the confidence to confront it, didn't want to face it I guess. Whenever I did confront smaller things he managed to make me feel like it was all in my head.

I found out, I hated him and I moved out but still did stupid stuff like agreed not to tell his family the reason reason for our split as he didn't want them to view him differently (WTF). I even tried being friends with him until I found uut there months later that she was pregnant (he said they had split too).

It made me stronger funnily enough. I absolutely trust my gut now and am not afraid to question things that feel dodgy (not that I have had many occasions I've had to do that). It made me look for an entirely different type of man. I'm hindsight he was so weak willed and attention seeking that he was a sure thing to have an affair. My DH now is the total opposite, we share similar views on fidelity and divorce etc know that an affair of any type would be an immediate deal breaker for either of us, even though we have two children. I can honestly say that I do trust him completely despite my previous experiences. I also met him in an entirely different environment where we both volunteered for an amazing charity showing me how selfless he is. To this day he is ALL about me and our boys and does anything for us.

I have to say though because of all of that if my DH ever cheated I would be absolutely blindsided. Totally floored by it. I think that would absolutely change me irreversibly and I would never trust again, especially as I could never understand how someone could do that to their children too.

I was very open with my DH about my past experiences and how it may lead to me being insecure at times, especially as he had many many females friends when we met, who he saw for dinner etc regularly. I found that a bit strange at first but naturally as our relationship developed the regular meetings reduced as he was out on dates with me. Those friends and their now husbands are now also my friends.

Our experiences can help but shape the people we are.

They have also led me to totally cutting off my sister in law after she cheated on my brother. I have no time for cheaters!

Oh yeah. Unequivocally. I was already hyper vigilant, but being cheated on exacerbated that. I don't trust easily at all.

Yes. My xh cheated on me. I totally expect my dh to eventually decide he doesn't want me either. He's given me no reason to believe this and lives his life for me and our children but.... 20 years later (with now dh that is) i still think this. Not on purpose or even consciously but it's there, that fear, inside of me. I know now that people can let you down, destroy your trust and belief.

I don’t think it has massively changed me. I was very careful about who I would be with after (long term) but I guess I probably would have been in my 30s with a very small child to think about anyway. I do trust my boyfriend because he’s such a different person to my ex and our relationship is so different.

I’ve always been pretty independent though and ex was so awful (cold) during his 2 year affair that I was relieved in a way when I found out. I was no longer actively in love with him so there wasn’t the same level of hurt.

I know I’d be ok (eventually) if it happened again but I truly don’t believe my boyfriend would cheat. I know I want a loving relationship in my life, for me and as a role model relationship for my DC so I find the (small) risk is worth it. I do understand that it isn’t the same for everyone who has been through it though.

My exH cheated on me and I believe it has changed me massively. In both a positive and negative sense. I haven't entered into a serious relationship since but if/when I do I think I could trust that person 99%. There'll always be that element of doubt though because I was completely blindsided by exH's affair.

On a positive note, I am happy alone so I only choose to engage with people who add to my life in some way. I feel stronger, more independent and not so dependent on others for my happiness.

I do worry that I am a bit emotionally blunted and this may not be the most healthy thing... I am definitely more cynical and think most people are capable of cheating if the situation is right. This thread has got me thinking!

You don't even have to care that much about the other person for it to change you. I was in a very casual relationship and on the verge of ending things when I found out he'd cheated on me. I wasn't upset at all but it made me hugely question my judgement as one of the reasons I'd been planning to end things was because I thought he was too adoring and it was off-putting!

Apologies, I didn't even really make my point, which is hurt/devastation aside even objectively it is difficult to trust another man again once you've been cheated on as you don't trust your own judgment.

naicebiscuits

Wow! Your post has really made me think about reassessing relationships, especially the bit about working on oneself.

Yes I believe it does, well it changed me. I built a wall so strong that it took my fiancé 5 years to break it down, it also knocks your confidence.
It's hard to treat each guy individually as it's so easy to believe all guys are the same, I also believe that it makes you a stronger person.
Being cheated on is completely devastating, without good friends to support you it is very easy to let it consume you, also treat yourself once a week!

Definitely being cheated on made me stronger as a person.

I do that thing too when I see a bride in a fancy car - I just think, enjoy this moment because that is the high point.

yes. it took a decade for me to stop being so hard and heartbroken. i'm with a lovely guy now, but the complete, implicit, innocent trust has been taken forever from me.

you know what naice - reading your post i feel like it really resonates with me. i am a stronger person in all those ways , i don't try to please, i address things and i discuss etc.

Yes, put me off relationships for good

I sometimes worry it has made me hard, but I would take that rather than being a doormat. I no longer put anybody, not just men, on pedestals. Sounds big headed but I have put myself on a pedestal, I am no 1 in my world. I am married now. He is not the cheater, it was a previous relationship. But I have no doubt that this one would cheat if he could get away with it. The cheater love bombed me, and then when he had me, he put me to one side and moved onto the next one. He had lots of us on the go at the same time. He was completely shallow. He made me doubt myself, my judgement, dangled me on a string, made me think I was crazy, I was crazy for a while and I hate the fact that he had me on the ropes and without dignity for a while. You would never know it to look at him, he just seemed so bloody nice. All an act.

A lot of men I know have cheated on their wives and partners, (sorry, it is all men that I know who have cheated - mainly in relationships with women, but also one gay man. I can’t happen to think of a single woman I know personally who has cheated on her husband or partner... or else they’re just better at hiding it . Obviously, I know it happens, I just don’t happen to know anyone).

Anyway, it’s made me extremely wary about men tbh. But, I think, rightly so. Sad as that sounds!

I think I was cheated on by one bf; if he didn’t actually have sex with her, (which I think he probably did), he started a very close friendship with her a good while before we actually broke up. I can’t say it changed me, no, but then we weren’t married / cohabiting and no dcs, so maybe not such a betrayal. Also, I was already fairly wary, as I said above.

There are a lot of shitty men out there but they are not all bad and they don't all cheat.

Yes, definitely.
The problem is that while I am well aware that there are plenty of lovely men out there who would never hurt the person they love, they're also indistinguishable from the worst cheaters.
Some people are obvious when they lie and it's easy to get rid of them when they start with nonsense.
Serial cheaters, however, know what things to say and do to make you trust them, so that you put your suspicions down to your 'trust issues'.
I know a few, xh included, for whom their friends and colleagues and oh would swear are 'one of the good ones'.
They come across as completely trustworthy which is why you're so shaken when you find out they're not.
So yes, definitely changed. Enough trust for a serious relationship now requires blind faith and a willingness to accept being blindsided all over again. I don't think I'll ever be up for that.

Yes, it does. I was so screwed over at a really vulnerable time. I've actually got a really good relationship with xh now, and ow to a certain extent, and am very proud of that given the circumstances. I really didn't want to be bitter and had to let go of the anger before it ate me up.

I guess the real knock on is that Dp and I don't live together, even after years, and I change the subject or make a joke if he talks about marriage. I like knowing that I can collect a bag of stuff from his and that's it, no lawyers, no awful mediation meetings if we break up. I have no reason not to trust him and am not jealous at all, but I'm healthily wary now I think.

This thread has been so painful to read. It's only been the last couple of weeks that I've realised how much I have changed. My fight was focussed on the divorce and when that happened I thought I was moving on with my life but it's taken the whirl of Christmas parties followed by the emptiness of the break to realise that I've just been papering over the cracks. I'm a shadow of the person I was before I met him and I don't know how to get back to being that person, or if it's even possible. I don't think I will ever be able to laugh as freely as I did with him and I will never love with my whole being - if I can ever bring myself to date again, which at the moment I never want to do. I look at all men and wonder if they are the same.

Yes I'm afraid so. I've been divorced since 2009 and single every since.

I lack confidence in myself and feel like no one would want me. I'm told I'm attractive and a nice person, I just don't believe it.

That's what happens when your husband leaves you a month after being diagnosed with PNT. ☹️

But I'm dipping my toes in with dating so I hope I'll find someone one day as I'm only 48.

Yes it totally changed me.
I wasn't exactly trusting in the first place but I don't trust anyone now.