Regarding DC referring to parent by their first name

[TempusEejit]

My teen DSC have recently started calling DH by his first name. He doesn't like it and much prefers being called Dad (and has told them so) but they still do it.

I know some kids address their parents by their first nameswhich is obviously fine for them but it doesn't sound "right" to me (or DH) but I'm not really sure why! And yes we know that if this is all DH has to worry about then he's doing ok

But leaving the triviality of this issue aside I'm curious as to what others think, and any ideas as to how DH should address this his DC?

My DS calls me by my name. He started when he was very little then stopped for a few months but now it has stuck. Occasionally I am ‘Mummy’ and always in cards and both DDs call me ‘Mummy’. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest and I forget he is even doing it until someone mentions it.

My ds tried calling dh by his name a good few years ago (pre teens maybe) and it really upset dh. He said that he was ds's only dad, that's what he should call him and calling him anything else was unacceptable. ds understood it was a big deal (dh was really quite upset) and dh has been 'dad' ever since.

If the OP's dh wants his children to call him 'dad' and nothing else then that's what his children should do. OP have the children's mum got a partner? Is it partly related to having step parents too perhaps? My FIL and partner get 'Dad' and partner's name, perhaps dad's name / partner's name feels more natural?

Your DP should turn deaf ear to being called by first name. E.g. first name can I have £20 - no answer, only answer when say dad, and then say no for being disrespectful

Why are posters wilfully posting that it doesn’t bother them?

it upsets the op so it’s not ok is it ffs

Its not disrespectful to call someone their actual name. It's not an insult. Presumably you refer to your children by their names and not by the title daughter/son, but the same argument applies, you are the only people who can call your daughter 'daughter' but that doesn't mean that you should never use her actual name.

I think the children are setting down boundaries and your dh would do well to take notice and respect them, if he values his relationship with them in the long term.

Of course it’s disrespectful to call someone by their first name if they ask you not to.

As a nurse I wouldn’t have dreamed of being so rude and crass.

They are family, not patients! Im sure the parents wouldn't prefer to be called Mr and Mrs so and so.

Wow, controlling much? Why does it matter if your child calls you by your name?

If you want to be a modern, cool parent, crack on with it.

They are Family not patients

Well the essence of our family is love and mutual respect not riding roughshod over another persons feelings and then minimising their hurt.

Exactly, Mutual respect means listening to their point of view too. If they don't want to call you mum or dad then trying to force them into it, or punishing them for it, is not demonstrating love and mutual respect.

If it's considered cool and modern not to get worked up about being called your actual name then I'm all for it. There's no evidence to suggest that children who call their parents by their names have worse outcomes in life or make lesser contributions to society, so it doesn't seem to be a parenting strategy that carries any risks.

Exactly, Mutual respect means listening to their point of view too. If they don't want to call you mum or dad then trying to force them into it, or punishing them for it, is not demonstrating love and mutual respect.

If it's considered cool and modern not to get worked up about being called your actual name then I'm all for it. There's no evidence to suggest that children who call their parents by their names have worse outcomes in life or make lesser contributions to society, so it doesn't seem to be a parenting strategy that carries any risks.

I think there's a lot to be said for being both cool and modern :) I'd rather be cool and modern than dictatorial and old fashioned. There is no correlation that I'm aware of between children calling their parents by their first names, and those children going on to have a higher incidence of criminal/anti social/undesirable behavior/lifestyles! It's hardly going to ruin the kids.

yes, I really don't see why there's so much fuss about this-
ours did this from very early, as people have said it seemed obvious to use our names - because those are our names and what everyone else calls us, including - what we call each other- (we don't address each other as mum and dad). Kids have always sometimes used mum/mummy dad/daddy but it's really not a big deal. No lack of respect, no confusion about roles.
I wonder if there's an element of insecurity here- do people feel they need their parental role affirming?

Sorry for multiple postings, system error!

Does it really matter? If there's no maliciousness to it and it's just a phase they will outgrow it.

I go through phases of calling my Mum by her name, it doesn't mean I don't respect her or love her, it's jokey or affectionate or just I've got in the habit of calling her by her name.

To refuse to do fatherly things with them unless they call him Dad is stupid!

I would be crushed if my children wanted to call me by my first name. I would feel as though I was being sacked as a mum. "Mum" is very important to me.

I went through a phase of calling my dad by his first name when I was about 15. My parents split when I was 5 and I had a lot of anger. Dad hated it and I think that's why I did it . In the end we talked about it, and he told me how important being my Dad was to him, and I stopped doing it. I can't imagine calling him anything other than Dad now we nearly lost him last year (cancer) and I feel a bit guilty that I was so cruel when I was 15.

If parents and children are agreed that it's fine, and it works for all of them with no hurt feelings, then I can't see any harm in it though.

My dp started called his dd by his first name as a teen and his dsis's would as they got old but only occasionally.

Only problem we've encountered was when ddad was in hospital (very ill and he passed away) and dp was asked to leave as he was not family. Luckily dad was concious and able to saw no he's my son.

It clearly does matter, and actually doing something that you know hurts another person (and keeping it up for months) is pretty malicious.

Boundaries are indeed important. The dad's boundaries in this case. He wants to be referred to by the traditional name 'dad'. Unless he has in some way failed in his fathering duties then I see no good reason for the children to refuse to do so. It may not matter to some people, and that's totally fine, but it does matter for this dad. If my children refused to call me Mum/Mummy (or other mother terms) I'd be pretty pissed off and hurt too. Especially in public as I'd feel that they were telling the world that I wasn't really anything to do with them.

cantucciniamaretto the DC in question have also started calling their mum by her name as well so it's not personal to DH.

Nooka their mum has a long term partner.

windowSong controlling?! How is it controlling to want to be referred to by the name/term you prefer? One of the DC has a name that is most commonly shortened but they prefer the long version. DH prefers the short version, should he just start using that? And the other DC (God I sound like I'm making this up now!) changed their name by deed poll a few years ago, should we revert to their given birth name because we prefer it?

Whatthefuck I get what you're saying but "the same argument applies" argument isn't applicable to parent-child relationships IMO because it's not a relationship between equals - the parents are in charge of the family/household whereas dependent children, whilst entitled to be heard, do not have the authority or responsibilities which go with being an adult. The DC are obviously happy to expect and accept "dad" extras such as pocket money, lifts, help with homework etc. So if they expect dad to act like dad then why not call him dad if that's what he wants. Or move to a peer-like relationship but not expect the extras. And whilst not disrespectful in itself to use someone's name (i.e. have no issue if others prefer names to mum/dad) yes it is disrespectful if it's against the wishes of that person.

Anyway thanks for all the replies, it's helped clarify why it didn't quite sit right!

I've had to call my dad by his Christian name since i can remember i never asked why just did it.but my children can call him grandad.it might be odd to others but it's all I know

what but mutual respect means listening to each other and in my view here the op finds it upsetting but the teenager does it regardless knowing that it’s upsetting when they are demonstrating no good reason for continuing to do so.

The teenager hasn’t given a reason for doing so. If he had fair enough discuss it. He’s clearly just being a rude teen. They all push back but you don’t just roll over every time.

in my view parents who see themselves as cool are excruciatingly embaressing to their own off spring they just don’t realise it.

All parents are excruciatingly embarrassing to their own offspring! But I doubt that kids find their parents embarrassing because they answer to their name with making it a giant guilt trip/power battle.

• without making it

It’s not a giant guilt trip or power battle though is it?

You could dramatise any situation. One person wants to be called by a certain name. How on earth is that wrong or controlling?

My dcs have shortened versions of their names they prefer so we comply! Why wouldn’t you? And why wouldn’t you teach your kids to respect other people’s views on what they prefer to be called.

I agree all parents are embaressing to a degree but the ‘cool ones’ or those who think they are are generally the most excruciating.