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Original poster

Regarding DC referring to parent by their first name

83 replies

TempusEejit · 15/01/2018 16:59

My teen DSC have recently started calling DH by his first name. He doesn't like it and much prefers being called Dad (and has told them so) but they still do it.

I know some kids address their parents by their first nameswhich is obviously fine for them but it doesn't sound "right" to me (or DH) but I'm not really sure why! And yes we know that if this is all DH has to worry about then he's doing ok Grin

But leaving the triviality of this issue aside I'm curious as to what others think, and any ideas as to how DH should address this his DC?

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 15/01/2018 17:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Christmascardqueen · 15/01/2018 17:46

I agree it’s a bit of a phase. My littles did it as they heard me and dh refer to each other by our first name. Then again as late teens. It reverted back to m&d in their 20’s.
I took it as a sign of a good relationship.

Original poster
TempusEejit · 15/01/2018 17:50

DH mentioned when it first happened that he didn't like it. Then ignored it for months hoping it'd fizzle out. As I mentioned the younger one has just started doing it too so ignoring is getting nowhere it would seem!

DH already tried keely's and angelinwellies explanations which obviously haven't had an effect, hence canvassing MN opinion as to whether it is actually considered slightly disrespectful behaviour (and not DH just being over sensitive) and therefore worth following through on consequences e.g. not giving lifts etc.

OP posts:
LemonShark · 15/01/2018 17:53

I started calling my dad by his first name as a teen. We butted heads a lot and it was a horrible few years with a lot of trauma in the home (from all angles, not just typical teen dad discord) and I was in an awful place mentally. It was because I couldn't bear acknowledging we were related if that makes sense. It was easier to just distance myself and call him his name.

We get on ace now after a few years space and I call him dad when referring to him to others but still feel too awkward to say it to him. Unless it's in a card. But it's even more awkward to use 'dad' to him. So for the last decade I've studiously managed to avoid ever needing to directly call him over by his name 😂

If there's none of that rumbling below the surface I'd just let them crack on, it's their choice how to call adults in their life at this age. I think the only thing you can do is tell them 'it's up to you whether you call him dad or bob, but you should know that having spent so many years raising and feeding and clothing you it cuts him pretty deep to have the name 'dad' taken away' so they know the impact of their actions. Beyond that they'll make their own choice and you can't really force them either way.

Pengggwn · 15/01/2018 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
TempusEejit · 15/01/2018 17:58

BTW I just read back my previous post and didn't mean it to come across as "well obviously keely and angel's approaches weren't going to work...what were they thinking?!" Just that he's tried them and it's still ongoing. Apologies.

basecamp I acknowledged in the OP it's a relatively trivial issue, doesn't mean that DH isn't still hurt by it.

Lemon your last paragraph's a good explanation.

OP posts:
Bellamuerte · 15/01/2018 18:00

I often call my mother by her first name because she's learned to mentally filter out the whiny shouts of MUUUUM! but always responds to her name. I call my father Dad because he doesn't ignore me!

ShinyMe · 15/01/2018 18:13

I'm another who calls my parents by their names. I started doing it when I was very small, maybe 3 or 4. I think my thinking was that they called each other by their names, and their friends did too, so I did. People have always made a huge big deal about it - when I was a teenager people always asked me if I was adopted. One of my colleagues now is enraged by it, and gets really het up, and tackles me about it every time I mention one of them by name, as if she finds it personally offensive.

When I was in my 20s I talked to my parents about it and asked if they minded, and they both said they quite liked it, because they felt like I saw them as a proper adult in their own right, and not just a parent, and that they never felt that I didn't love or respect them.

Not that any of that helps the OP, I'm aware! Sorry!

SockUnicorn · 15/01/2018 18:51

@TempusEejit I referred to my mum by her first name for several years as a teenager to get a rise out of her. Thought it was hilarious. Only got better when she mentioned it or someone said "its MUM, not X". Best to just completely blank it. Just respond as if they said dad.

SockUnicorn · 15/01/2018 18:54

@TempusEejit by "only got better" i mean for me not her! i loved it even more when people picked up on it and would kill myself laughing all over again. (obviously im more mature now!!!). I think mine started as someone else has said, because she stopped replying to "muuuummmm" but listened to her name

TheHungryDonkey · 15/01/2018 19:04

Both mine call me by my first name and have done since they were about 6. According to them it's logical because it's my name. Doesn't bother me. But my daughter's dad gets shitty with her when she does, says she should call me mum. That's not his place to say.

I get lots of comments from other people about how strange it is. I don't see it as strange. I find some of their habits strange.

cantucciniamaretto · 15/01/2018 19:18

Do they live with him/you? Have they lived apart from him for a long time?

I called my father by his first name because I never felt like he deserved the title. Not saying your step children are the same but perhaps there is a reason you aren't aware of? Have you asked them?

Prictoriafeckam · 15/01/2018 19:29

I would hate the children to call us by first names. I would feel patronised. There are seven billion people out there with first names, but we only have one mum and one dad, which is why these names are special.

Prictoriafeckam · 15/01/2018 19:31

There are seven billion people with first names out there but we have only one mum and dad. It is disrespectful not to use those names.

Prictoriafeckam · 15/01/2018 19:38

Sorry for repeating myself. The first one didn't seem to go.

YogaDrone · 15/01/2018 19:40

My ten year old calls me "Yoga" sometimes. Usually when he's talking to someone else about me. So instead of saying "my mum said..." he'll use my given name.

I have no problem whatsoever with this. But then I love "To Kill a Mockingbird" and if it was good enough for Atticus, then it's good enough for me Grin

Heartoffire · 15/01/2018 19:53

It’s just rude to Call someone by a name they have asked Niro to.

I think you are both being too soft. Sit them down snd *tell them no more.

If they ignore then all lifts, pocket money and nice gestures are withdrawn. From you both as you should support this too.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 15/01/2018 20:03

We are another family where people get called by their name rather than by their title, it works for us. I think children have the right to decide what they are comfortable calling their parents as much as parents have the right to say what they would like to be called. If the two views don't coincide maybe there's room for compromise, like a nickname that only the use?

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 15/01/2018 20:05

I don't think you should punish them for calling their parents by their actual name! If they call him wanker or tosspot etc that should be punished, but not for using his name!

Whodofthunkit · 15/01/2018 20:05

When my daughter was very small she addressed all women as 'mummy' - except me, whom she called by my first name. I thought it was adorable. Now (at 10), and for many years, she calls me both mum and my first name, and it has never occurred to me for a moment that this is disrespectful or an issue in any way. I quite like it.

windowSong · 15/01/2018 20:13

Wow, controlling much? Why does it matter if your child calls you by your name?

YOU MUST CALL ME MUM/DAD!

Eh...OK...

TheWhisperingSky · 15/01/2018 20:23

DS (8) has started calling Dh by a nickname sometimes. It's quite cute and DH doesn't mind. I'm the only other person who uses that name. Everyone else uses the shortned form of his name which DD went theough a phase of using when she was 3. It lasted about 6 months and probably she's forgotten all about it. I don't know if the DC know my real name!

About 10 years ago, I asked DH what he called his parents. He said he had avoided using a form of address for the previous 10 years because he says Mum and Dad sound childish and first names sound wrong so he formulates what he has to say so it doesn't need a name! And its true. In the 11years we've been together, he has never spoken to them by name or title Grin

I was never allowed to call my parents mum or dad, or mother or father. It was "too common". We had to use first names. My friends always thought it was weird so I learnt to refer to them as mum and dad in conversations to stop being teased.

That's no help at all! But I think they should go with what he wants to be called. What happens if he doesn't answer them? What reason do they give for not wanting to use Dad any more?

Sarahjconnor · 15/01/2018 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HotelEuphoria · 15/01/2018 20:27

Mine have done it for years, now in their 20s, it started because I stopped answering to the incessant "mum" every couple of minutes with pointless questions and requests.

They only do it sometimes, never write it in cards and refer to me as their mum, but in the house they do it regularly, it's just light hearted banter. I don't see any issue, I find it rather endearing.

Heartoffire · 15/01/2018 20:29

wow controlling much

So if a work colleague continually asked you not to call them by a certain name it would be ok to ignore them? Of course not it’s rude. It’s very rude to allow teensgers to ignore your wishes and carry in regardless! What does tyet teach them about respecting other people’s views?

They have been told it’s not ok.,it’s not ok for them to ignore other people’s feelings.