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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is a deal breaker?

96 replies

inmyshoos · 15/01/2018 15:52

If you are dating someone and you discover through chat that you have opposing political views, would that be a deal breaker for you?
Im not hugely political at all, but know enough to vote confidently, I just wonder if it will cause issue doen the line because his morals will be so different to mine. Not that I mind him having his own opinions. He likes different music to me that is fine. Likewise most other things. But this feels different.

Fwiw there are a few other potential deal breakers but this is the one that is playing on my mind most!

AIBU?

OP posts:
MsHarry · 15/01/2018 16:55

If he was pro Trump then yes it would be a deal breaker.

Piffle11 · 15/01/2018 16:57

The fact that you mention 'morals' makes me wonder if he is on the right/far right ... UKIP is a no go for me, end of story.

LemonSqueezy0 · 15/01/2018 16:57

Same as above PP - depends what parties and how rabid they were. I don't mind lively debate and can articulate my views very well, as well as listen to opposing views and consider that POV.. but must admit that one of the things I absolutely adore about my DP are his views- moral and political - and for me that is very attractive. I doubt I personally could live with someone of very differing views on say Abortion, women's rights, immigration and so on. For me it would impact on how I viewed them as a person and I don't want my relationship to be a hotbed of constant debate and opposing views.

Notreallyarsed · 15/01/2018 16:58

Oooft I couldn’t OP. It’s just too many differences iyswim.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 15/01/2018 16:58

Fwiw I have friends who are right wing. Friends who voted no in the referendum. That's fine. We don't talk politics. Also my best friends are (not surprisingly)the friends with similar political views. Whilst I don't think it defines a person I do think it says a lot about them.

OP posts:
Sadik · 15/01/2018 16:59

Your example wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me - I couldn't date a racist, but would in some ways have more in common with a politically engaged active Tory than with someone vaguely lefty but not really interested. (I'd describe myself as libertarian left.)

In fact, it might make for an exciting/interesting relationship.

HermioneAndMsJones · 15/01/2018 16:59

Well I was going to give these exact examples as something I wouldn’t be able to accept because these would Be views so far from what I believe in.

This would be a deal breaker for me yes.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 15/01/2018 17:01

Sounds too different too me. You are "strong" In three different areas, and if he is "strong" in the opposite way on the three it's a deal breaker I'd think.

Neither of you are marginal, you are both too extreme (for it to work with the other).

Sadik · 15/01/2018 17:01

But then I think you could have very different views on the refugee situation without it saying anything about either person's morals.

Viviennemary · 15/01/2018 17:01

No it wouldn't. I've gone a bit more right wing and DH is left wing or thinks he is. Most left wing people I know are champagne socialist types anyway. So hypocrites really.

bastardkitty · 15/01/2018 17:01

It would be a dealbreaker for me. But if there are also other potential dealbreakers as well, run like the clappers.

Notreallyarsed · 15/01/2018 17:03

But then I think you could have very different views on the refugee situation without it saying anything about either person's morals

It depends how extreme they are.

Chanelprincess · 15/01/2018 17:04

Labour voter and pro-Brexit would definitely be a deal breaker for me.

extinctspecies · 15/01/2018 17:05

When I first met DH he was a full-on Tory voter.

I have never voted Conservative in my life.

His views are now much more moderate and closer to mine, we've even been known to vote the same way occasionally.

I'd draw the line at a UKIPPER though.

Sadik · 15/01/2018 17:07

"It depends how extreme they are."
That's really true - but I suspect a moderate Tory would disagree with me on the best actions for governments to take, but probably because they see different likely results IYKWIM (rather than because they don't value the lives of the people concerned).

Sadik · 15/01/2018 17:08

I do love a good political discussion though! So maybe I'm not a great example - I think the best policies and results often come out of active disagreement because it makes everyone really examine their underlying ideas / analysis. If you only engage with people with the same views, it's easy to become intellectually lazy.

StarShapedWindow · 15/01/2018 17:11

I think having the same morals is more important than having the same political views, as long as you respect each other’s views I don’t see why you couldn’t accept each other’s different outlooks. Unless either of you are extreme, extreme political views = run for the hills.

Notreallyarsed · 15/01/2018 17:13

@Sadik I completely agree. Our neighbors during the Indy campaign were a No voter (Orangeman) and his partner was undecided but ended up voting no. We walked to the polling station together, and had a few debates (lighthearted though) before and after.
But extreme views of any kind are a turn off for me, especially intolerant ones.

DP and I were the only ones on my side to vote yes. My whole family spent months lecturing us and patronising us about it which irritated me.

pictish · 15/01/2018 17:13

It would be a deal breaker for me. So would having different taste in music. Those are two things that are essential for me...politics and good taste in music. I could never love a Tory.

DarkDarkNight · 15/01/2018 17:14

I don't mind differences in opinion on political issues, but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a Conservative. I know it may sound childish but I just couldn't stomach it in a partner. Knowing somebody thinks and feels that way tells me a lot about them as a person.

I know plenty of people who vote Conservative and try to see it as just a difference of opinion but a few I know who are out and proud Tories just have a kind of entitled selfishness I can't bear.

AcrossthePond55 · 15/01/2018 17:14

Pro-Trump, an absolute deal breaker. My DH has actually ended a couple of friendships over the friends' vocal support of that man.

DH and I differ over a couple of specific issues, but in general we support the Democratic party. Would I divorce him if he turned Republican? Depends. He supported GW Bush in 2000 and we made it through that Grin. But the way the GOP is these days, I have to admit that if he became 'hardline' GOP he wouldn't be the man I married and I'd have a hard time dealing with it.

AdoraBell · 15/01/2018 17:14

Depends on the person, their behaviour and attitudes, and if their views are extreme.

ShoesHaveSouls · 15/01/2018 17:17

If it was Brexit, I'd have real difficulty. It's just fundamental to me to pro-Europe, anti-Brexit. I like being in the club.

So if it was a tory like Ken Clarke (views-wise! Grin ) - maybe I could, but Nigel Farage - definitely not.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 15/01/2018 17:18

When I asked if he was pro brexit he said 'Yes absolutely! Have you heard of the Barnett formula?' ..... to which I replied ' have you heard of the fanny shrivel' Wink

I think it's fair to say we are on different pages....

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 15/01/2018 17:21

I'm very politically engaged, centre left, and on some issues such disabilities and benefit 'reform' harder left.

Couldn't personally date a Tory unless they were a very enlightened Remainer socially aware type (which would rather beg the question why they were voting Tory). But I couldn't possibly date an anti independence Leave voter.

I'd pack it in now personally.