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Original poster

To confront him over pictures of ex?

60 replies

skimpyseaweed · 15/01/2018 12:24

NC for this. I've found a USB memory stick hidden in a DVD case. Upon plugging it into my laptop, I found lots of pictures of DH with his exGF from before he met me. Some are of them kissing, her in a bikini, her in her underwear on his bed, etc (no naked ones thankfully). I feel a bit sick and shaky after seeing them, even though I know they're photos from years ago and perhaps he just forgot they were on there, although I'm a bit suspicious as to why the USB was hidden in a DVD rather than with his other computer things. Would you be upset about this? Or is it a non issue as we all have ex's so having photos of them isn't a big deal? I just don't know why he would hide the USB unless they were something he looks at regularly?

OP posts:
LemonShark · 15/01/2018 12:29

Ouch.

When did you move in together? I'm curious whether he shoved them in a DVD case years ago then forgot and they just got moved in to your shared home, or if he's hidden them there since you've lived together.

It's a weird one, I mean maybe he thought he'd hide them as seeing them would upset you, which is has, but I get the sense it's the deception that's hurt more than him keeping some pics?

I think it's fine to keep photos of exes if both parties are happy with it in a relationship (though when I moved in with my OH we both decided to chuck them all out, we don't know or care whether the other has some digital ones somewhere but just didn't feel it was appropriate having hard copies in the house when neither of us were fussed about keeping them) but the trying to hide it would bother me. By all means, keep them in a shoebox or an album or something, but to hide them in a DVD case seems a bit weird.

I also think it's a bit weird to have photos of an ex partly undressed (bikini) but maybe that's just me. A few photos from holidays are nice memories or photos of you together sure, but photos showing most of someone's naked body seem like they might have been kept for titillation if you know what I mean :/

Are you going to speak to him about it?

Royalfuckup · 15/01/2018 12:33

I totally get why this has upset you.

But they are just part of his past and no dear deferent to having a shoe box full of old letters and photos (which I keep) for memories.

It doesn’t mean I still love any of my exes but just that these memories are part of my past.

How long have you been together?

Babyroobs · 15/01/2018 12:34

I understand completely why you would be upset over this. My dh still has hundreds of photos of ex girlfriends in our loft and it bugs me. this weekend he went back down to see his sister ( his parents both died in the past few years ) and he brought back a boxof things including a portrait of him .He showed me it and I asked him if it was drawn by an ex girlfriend and he said no it was an old university friend. I knew it wasn't and challenged him on it and he admitted it was an ex gf. I just don't understand why he would bring this back to our maritial home unless it still means something to him. I am so hurt by it, especially as to me , a portrait seems a very personal thing.

Royalfuckup · 15/01/2018 12:35

*Different. Not dear deferent Hmm

Original poster
skimpyseaweed · 15/01/2018 12:35

We've been married for 6 years, together for 9, so I appreciate these photos are from way back. The USB was hidden in a DVD that was bought around a year ago, so it's definitely something that's been hidden there recently. There were other normal photos on there too, stuff from his school days, but a whole folder dedicated to photos of just him and ex.

You're right, it is the deception that I find hurtful. I thought we had an honest relationship and that he wouldn't hide anything from me. I don't know whether to confront him or not, as he'll likely say that he didn't know they were on there and just deny everything?

OP posts:
Original poster
skimpyseaweed · 15/01/2018 12:36

I'm uncomfortable with the bikini photos, but it's the photos of them kissing that really turned my stomach. There was a lot of them. Sad

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 15/01/2018 12:37

Just ask why it was in there. There is nothing odd or wrong at having the usb but I would want to know why it had recently been moved.

Royalfuckup · 15/01/2018 12:37

Was this particular ex a significant one?

10thingsIKnowAboutYou · 15/01/2018 12:37

Just tell him you found the USB and if you don't have any other concerns in general about your relationship/loyalty, then trust what he tells you about it. I get it's upsetting but that doesn't necessarily mean there is objective cause to be upset iyswim.

Trinity66 · 15/01/2018 12:38

Oh that's a tough one, I mean his past is his past but the fact that you've been together 9 years and he specifically hid this only a year ago would make me feel a bit weird too

Royalfuckup · 15/01/2018 12:39

If they were kissing in the photos, does that mean there was a third person there or were they selfies? It seems odd to have several kissing shots!

Babyroobs · 15/01/2018 12:39

Good point Royal !

Trinity66 · 15/01/2018 12:40

If they were kissing in the photos, does that mean there was a third person there or were they selfies? It seems odd to have several kissing shots!

Oh good question! lol

OhCalamity · 15/01/2018 12:41

Any chance it was hidden there by the ex and when they split up forgot about where it was hidden and he innocently took the DVD case? We've DVD's that we've not opened in about 10 years and probably won't ever because we stream what we watch.

Cloudyapples · 15/01/2018 12:42

Why not Just delete those photos and put it all back as you found it

Nicknacky · 15/01/2018 12:46

Why would you delete his photos?! How controlling! I would go mad if my H erased my past just because he was jealous.

Trinity66 · 15/01/2018 12:47

any chance it was hidden there by the ex and when they split up forgot about where it was hidden and he innocently took the DVD case?

The OP said that the DVD was only bought around a year ago

LemonShark · 15/01/2018 12:47

Oh yeah that's bad then that he's specifically re hidden it recently :/

My main concern is that you feel if you spoke to him about it he wouldn't be honest but would lie and claim he didn't know about it!? Is he normally a liar? It's bad in a relationship if you can't trust your partner not to lie to your face when you bring something up that's bothering you. That combined with hiding these pics (and there being so many of the bikini ones, wtf) isn't painting a good picture, though I accept it's a small snapshot of your relationship :/

Please don't do what cloudyapples says, that's destruction of his property, it's cruel and solves nothing, you'll lose the moral high ground as it'll be all about you having deleted his own photos and it does nothing to solve the problem that this occurred in the first place, I'd be furious if someone did that to me instead of just talking to me. What a childish and ineffective solution Confused

Somelikeitchilly · 15/01/2018 12:49

Could it be that he’s forgotten what’s on this USB? I’ve got a few old ones lying around and couldn’t tell you what’s on them without looking.

Trinity66 · 15/01/2018 12:50

Could it be that he’s forgotten what’s on this USB? I’ve got a few old ones lying around and couldn’t tell you what’s on them without looking

Seems a bit odd to put a USB that you don't know what's on it away from all your other USBs and into an empty DVD case though

FittonTower · 15/01/2018 12:50

My exes still mean something to me, not love or desire anymore but they're part of my past and my past is part of me. I have photos and letters and stuff, I assume my husband knows i do but I don't think we've ever discussed it. I can see why finding it hidden away like that would be upsetting but having the pictures doesn't necessarily mean anything at all and I don't think it's unusual.
Funnily enough i also have a portrait drawn of me by an ex like the pp - I love it and it never occurred to me that it would upset my partner! It's a nice picture of me as a teenager (which is a long long time ago now!) And it reminds me of a lovely summer. The girl who drew it was part of that lovely summer and is part of my past, memories are important but they aren't usually a threat to what you have now.

LemonShark · 15/01/2018 12:51

Trinity66 Exactly. He knows what's on there or he wouldn't take the very specific action of sticking it in a DVD case. It'd be chucked in a drawer or near the computer.

OnionKnight · 15/01/2018 12:53

Why not Just delete those photos and put it all back as you found it

Don't do this, it's controlling as fuck.

His ex is part of his history, he might have forgotten about the pictures so by all means speak to him about it but don't go ballistic.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 15/01/2018 12:54

I think I’d feel a bit weird about this as well OP, but then the only pics I have of an ex it was a bad break up, the same for DH.

I’d just ask him why he felt he had to hide the usb.

mailTo · 15/01/2018 12:54

Any chance he found the USB and quickly panicked / hid them? He wanted to keep the other photos rather than bin the whole drive and didn't get around to it.

I don't know how I'd feel as although am quite geeky, digital images certainly didn't exist before DH and I were together.

I think I would be upset but I don't know if the issue was mine or his. DH does have photos of exes but none of just him and her. He's still friends with most of them so expecting them to be erased from his / our lives wouldn't work.

I wouldn't but you could open the drive on your computer and see when the files were last accessed ... just sayin'