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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confront him over pictures of ex?

60 replies

skimpyseaweed · 15/01/2018 12:24

NC for this. I've found a USB memory stick hidden in a DVD case. Upon plugging it into my laptop, I found lots of pictures of DH with his exGF from before he met me. Some are of them kissing, her in a bikini, her in her underwear on his bed, etc (no naked ones thankfully). I feel a bit sick and shaky after seeing them, even though I know they're photos from years ago and perhaps he just forgot they were on there, although I'm a bit suspicious as to why the USB was hidden in a DVD rather than with his other computer things. Would you be upset about this? Or is it a non issue as we all have ex's so having photos of them isn't a big deal? I just don't know why he would hide the USB unless they were something he looks at regularly?

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 15/01/2018 12:57

I wouldn't but you could open the drive on your computer and see when the files were last accessed ... just sayin'

The OP has already looked, any last opened dates would be overwritten surely?

Original poster
skimpyseaweed · 15/01/2018 12:57

Royal, they were selfies!

I'm not going to delete the photos, that wouldn't solve anything. I just want to know why he's hidden them.

Lemon, he's definitely not someone who tells lies regularly but on occasion he has bent the truth if he knows it's something that I would be upset about, just because he wants to keep the peace. This is the first time I've found anything like this hidden away, it's just so unlike him. The ex was a significant one in that she was his only serious GF before me, and it makes it worse that I know her through mutual friends (never see her anymore as she's moved away).

I just wanted to make sure I was justified in being as upset as I am!

OP posts:
LemonShark · 15/01/2018 13:02

skimpyseaweed Ah I HATE it when people lie thinking they're sparing your feelings. I can deal with the painful truth, I cannot deal with the pain and disrespect of being lied to and unable to trust someone. They're slippery fuckers cos you can never be quite sure if you're getting the truth or a lie, it's not on. Would he listen if you said to him before bringing it up exactly that? Like 'I know you might not want to tell me the exact truth because you think it might hurt me, but being lied to hurts a hell of a lot more so please promise me that wherever this conversation goes you won't lie to spare my feelings, I don't want that and I want to be able to trust you not to lie to me'?

I honestly think it's fair to be upset but you're gonna have to ask him or it'll eat away at you. You need the truth even if it causes problems or leads to more pain. Or it'll niggle away and you'll build it up. I'd honestly much rather if it happened to me hear 'yes I kept them because she was a big part of my life but I knew you'd be upset so didn't want you to have to find them so I hid them' than have my intelligence insulted with 'oh I don't know why they're there!?' And I think most people would too.

Somelikeitchilly · 15/01/2018 13:03

Seems a bit odd to put a USB that you don't know what's on it away from all your other USBs and into an empty DVD case though

True.

DearMrDilkington · 15/01/2018 13:03

I find it really weird that he still has photos of his ex in her underwear. The other photos don't bother me, but those ones do.

LadyBunnysWig · 15/01/2018 13:07

I sent a USB to my ex when we spilt up. All our photos as I didn't want them anymore, I couldn't bare to look at them, but he said he wanted to remember our time together as it helped shape us as people.
I downloaded all the pics and gave it to him. He is now married and I have no idea if he still has it. But I felt cathartic getting rid of those pictures but knowing that our past wasn't being deleted.
I would understand why you are feeling hurt but I also think it shows what a decent guy he is.
He obviously cared about this woman and it shows that he doesn't just discard his past.

Polarbear46 · 15/01/2018 13:09

The USB was hidden in a DVD that was bought around a year ago
Now this is where Id have issues. you have been married for some time and yet he had a point of time where he could have reassessed keeping this. But kept it and hid it instead.

YANBU

halfwitpicker · 15/01/2018 13:09

Wouldn't be pleased about that at all.

OnionKnight · 15/01/2018 13:11

How did you find the USB OP?

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 15/01/2018 13:14

It's disrespectful you've been together. 9 years ffs all stuff like that should be long gone.

NewYearNiki · 15/01/2018 13:16

I have photos and videos of me and my ex. Never watch them. Perhaps when I am old and grey I will look back and laugh.

No new partner would ever be told as most are as insecure as you

Babyroobs · 15/01/2018 13:18

Lola - that is how I feel , I feel it's disrespectful that my dh of almost 20 years brought home a portrait done by an ex gf, showed it to me then lied about who had done it when I asked. I'm livid as it just feels really disrespectful but then maybe I am just insecure and unreasonable ? I just don't know. can't really explain why I feel so hurt by it.

ObiJuanKenobi · 15/01/2018 13:23

I'd hate this, I think an honest open chat about how you found them and how it made you feel is in order. Definitely don't go in all guns blazing, just see what he says.

OutToGetYou · 15/01/2018 13:26

Selfies taken over nine years ago? Are you sure they're not more recent?

Until phones with reversing cameras it was pretty hard to take selfies unless you just kept sticking your arm out and taking loads, checking them, etc. Seems a bit odd if there are a lot of them too - they really weren't a 'thing' that long ago.

CuriousVole · 15/01/2018 13:30

I really wouldn’t like this. I agree an honest and calm chat to let him know how you feel. Although it’s in the past I still don’t get why you would need all those photos in the present. I don’t think anyone should erase their whole past so I would maybe understand a couple of holiday snaps but pics in a bikini and them kissing.....not needed!

ruleshelpcontrolthefun · 15/01/2018 13:32

I've got photos of exbf "hidden" in a box in our study. Pre-digital so hard copies. I don't want to see them regularly or for DH to have to look at them but I want to keep them so I can look back on them. It was an important relationship. Only a couple of years but definitely my first love! DH has pics of his exes too. I don't want to see them as I have no interest in them but I don't mind that he has them. I would choose DH every single time but memories are nice!

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 15/01/2018 13:32

See...I'd never think of a USB in a case as being "hidden"

I'd just assume DH had put it there and wouldn't dream of looking.

I have photos of two of my exes from years ago, including one of me kissing one of them.

DH wouldn;t give a hoot! Do you trust him generally?

Mooncuplanding · 15/01/2018 13:34

I really don't understand your jealousy

Every relationship has some good times and I understand more that occasionally you like to reflect on them.

YABU and childish. I would be incandescent with rage if my partner snooped through such things and then had a go at me for it

It's not like he's been saying "hey, look at these photos, we used to have such a good time together"

He's entitled to some privacy around his life before you

whiskyowl · 15/01/2018 13:37

I think it's normal and natural for you to react with concern and to dislike seeing your partner kissing another woman!

However, I'm not sure that you're necessarily right to jump to the conclusion that your DP looks at these photos regularly. It could be that he does. But many people keep pictures of their ex not because they are still fond of them or sentimental for those times, but because the relationship represented a period in their life that they don't seek to wipe out totally. However, they may also not want current partners to see and feel hurt by such pictures, and may be hiding them to prevent this rather than because they're still secretly carrying some kind of torch. He may well have hidden the USB stick at the start of your relationship and forgotten about it.

You need to speak to him and ask him about this. I do think it would be legitimate to raise concerns about some of the rather less clothed pictures too! But I don't think you need to get him to erase all evidence of her existence to know that he loves you now, not her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/01/2018 13:40

He may have just shoved it in there. I have a box of stuff from my first love. It’s just sitting there on a shelf in the dressing room a place where I never look behind a bunch of things. I’d forgotten it was there until this thread. I do see it from time to time. But don’t look inside. Should my dh be upset? Idk why he would. These are distant memories from a time shortly before my dad died. When I was 15.

prh47bridge · 15/01/2018 13:42

Until phones with reversing cameras it was pretty hard to take selfies

Phones with front cameras have been around since 2003. Selfie sticks became available in 2005. Before that people used the rear camera to take a photo of themselves in a mirror. And, of course, people have used ordinary cameras with delayed shutter release mechanisms to take photos that would now be called selfies for decades. The name wasn't coined until 2005 but it was very common for people to take photos of themselves long before that. I've got quite a few myself.

vespertillio · 15/01/2018 13:45

YABU for planning to 'confront' him and for your jealousy of his past life. Let it go, everyone is entitled to some privacy, especially around their past. You can't control what he sees or thinks or even fantasises about. You sound waay too controlling.

BashStreetKid · 15/01/2018 13:47

Seems a bit odd to put a USB that you don't know what's on it away from all your other USBs and into an empty DVD case though

We don't know that he has other USBs at home, do we?

OP, could it be that he simply decided to download all his photos off a camera or phone onto the USB to free up space, and did so without bothering to check what was there?

Original poster
skimpyseaweed · 15/01/2018 13:54

I love how MNetters jump to conclusions and assume I was snooping or invading his privacy. I opened the DVD box and noticed a lump behind the paper insert, so wondered what it was and why it was hidden there. Generally I do trust him but couldn't help but wonder what files were on there, so I had a look. Most people would do the same.

Turns out there is a perfectly innocent explanation - the DVD included a digital download, so when he bought the DVD he was planning on downloading it and was going to use the old USB. He had no idea that there were photos on there. I'm 100% sure he's telling the truth. So I feel much better now. :)

And to those who have said I am jealous or insecure, I guarantee 99% of women wouldn't feel comfortable with seeing pictures of their DH kissing an ex gf. I actually find it bizarre if you ARE ok with that.

OP posts:
ObiJuanKenobi · 15/01/2018 13:56

There we go then! Pleased you have cleared the air and got to the bottom of things.

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