To stop my DD going to this girl's house?

[PolicebirdPolly]

Bit of background - my DD and this girl have been friends for a couple of years. The girl's mother and I became very very good friends and met socially etc, many play dates at each other's houses.

Things changed 4 months ago when this girl turned on my DD. We are talking spitting, hitting, verbal abuse and isolation. I tried to approach the subject with my friend but she was having none of it and even though the school intervened and spoke to my friend about her DD's behaviour she still wouldn't believe it and subsequently we fell out. Very badly.

Since our falling out, I have been approached by some of the other school mums to say that my ex friend has been heard saying some quite unsavoury things about my DD. I didn't take much notice until I heard her with my own ears at a birthday party (she didn't realise I was stood behind her). She's also said some pretty awful things about me on social media.

Despite all this - the girl's have remained friends even though I've tried to encourage my DD to play with other children as something happens every week with this girl.

Here's my AIBU - literally every week I get asked by my DD if she can go to this girl's house for tea or can she go horseriding with her at the weekend etc. I don't feel comfortable letting my DD go to this girl's house with everything that the mum has said about her. My DD doesn't understand why I won't let her because of course I haven't told her that this woman has slagged her off! My DD is 4 if that's makes a difference.

WWYD? AIBU?

The girls may be friends now but adults need to be in charge. OP's daughter needs to be told - as I believe she has been - that invitations need to come from grownups etc etc, and if the please keep coming, it's perfectly ok to say that she's already been told no and that's the end of it. No way would I have had any of my children going into that kind of environment. She's too young to be told what the adult said about her and you're wise to keep a wide berth. What is wrong with some people to talk about childrrn in this way? :-(

Polly

YANBU.

My dd has been bullied on and off by one of her “good friends”. Not to the extreme of your dd. I told the mother about an incident at the end of reception year and from that time, dd has no longer been welcome in her house.

I don’t expect your dd will ever be invited by the mother again. And even if she does, I would never accept.

There was an incident with another mother about 6 months later. She blew something out of all proportion and acted as though my dd had molested hers on a play date. Dd was only 5. I was told by dds School that it anything was said by the mother about my dd on School property they would intervene. Other than that they weren’t interested.

My dds parent on child bullying was far less extreme than you’re though. Personally, I would contact the police in your situation. Is there anything stopping you from reporting it?

I’d just tell dad that you are busy then then construct plans.

The language used my the other mum is really shocking. Usually the word 'retard', the woman clearly hasn't left the playground. It's no wonder her DD has been behaving the way she has.

What did you say to the mother at the party when you heard her calling your daughter a retard to other people?

Lol, dd, not dad.

This is clearly an issue with the adults involved - verbal abuse and isolation are not normally in the wheelhouse for 4 year olds.

But the mother is clearly an issue for you and the school

This really doesn't look like the mum would be on board with a playdate. Encourage other friendships and friends round. She'll forget pretty quickly if this girl really is a problem. Though I do notice where kids are friends one minute and all up in the air the next that it's very two sided.

LagunaBubbles 4 years old and 10 is a big difference for a start a 10 year old can be criminally accountable for their actions.

You are doing the right thing in not letting her go.
The mum sounds pathetic. Hope you confronted her about the nasty comments.
I'd explain to your daughter that you don't want her to around for tea because X has been mean to her in the past. And offer to have another child over to yours. It'll distract her.
She'll lose interest in X soon.

LagunaBubbles 4 years old and 10 is a big difference for a start a 10 year old can be criminally accountable for their actions

Of course, but I dont like the "two are as bad as each other" attitude at all. A 4 year old being raised without the right boundaries etc can be nasty and violent without the other child being at fault at all.

At 4, I would overlook it if it was just the child being an arse (so long as the bad behaviour had stopped). But the reaction from her mother - no, I wouldn’t encourage a friendship. If questioned by your ex-friend I’d say I have no problem with her daughter but that I can no longer be sure she has my own daughter’s best interests at heart.

The use of the word "retard" wasn't a shock to me to hear her saying that as she would often call her a DD a retard infront of me when we were friends in a "jokey" way. When I heard her say it at the party I said "excuse me?!" And she turned round to see me standing there but just shot me a look. So I asked if I had just heard her call my DD a retard and she said I wasn't talking about her get over yourself. I left the party (20 mins in) shaking and contemplating changing schools. It was only when the HT at school said to me that by switching schools I'm giving her what she wants is when I decided not to.

Anyway - Thankyou for all the helpful advise that I was given. I shall continue to do what I'm doing and hope it dies a death eventually

You're doing the right thing hopefully it will blow over and the mad cow will move on to someone else