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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop my DD going to this girl's house?

91 replies

PolicebirdPolly · 15/01/2018 11:22

Bit of background - my DD and this girl have been friends for a couple of years. The girl's mother and I became very very good friends and met socially etc, many play dates at each other's houses.

Things changed 4 months ago when this girl turned on my DD. We are talking spitting, hitting, verbal abuse and isolation. I tried to approach the subject with my friend but she was having none of it and even though the school intervened and spoke to my friend about her DD's behaviour she still wouldn't believe it and subsequently we fell out. Very badly.

Since our falling out, I have been approached by some of the other school mums to say that my ex friend has been heard saying some quite unsavoury things about my DD. I didn't take much notice until I heard her with my own ears at a birthday party (she didn't realise I was stood behind her). She's also said some pretty awful things about me on social media.

Despite all this - the girl's have remained friends even though I've tried to encourage my DD to play with other children as something happens every week with this girl.

Here's my AIBU - literally every week I get asked by my DD if she can go to this girl's house for tea or can she go horseriding with her at the weekend etc. I don't feel comfortable letting my DD go to this girl's house with everything that the mum has said about her. My DD doesn't understand why I won't let her because of course I haven't told her that this woman has slagged her off! My DD is 4 if that's makes a difference.

WWYD? AIBU?

OP posts:
zzzzz · 15/01/2018 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

derangedmermaid · 15/01/2018 11:39

zzzz she was telling people that my DD is dirty, had nits, had social issues. What I heard her say at the party was that my DD was a "retard". So make your own mind up abit whether that constitutes as "slagging o

The fuck?

Yeah, I wouldn't like to say what I would have done in that situation. Fucking hell.

Somelikeitchilly · 15/01/2018 11:39

If this is true, (and the horse riding certainly doesn’t sound true), no, you’re not being unreasonable. I wouldn’t have anything to do with this Mother or my child with her daughter.

Trinity66 · 15/01/2018 11:39

she was telling people that my DD is dirty, had nits, had social issues. What I heard her say at the party was that my DD was a "retard". So make your own mind up abit whether that constitutes as "slagging off"

What a horrible woman

CrazyExIngenue · 15/01/2018 11:40

What I heard her say at the party was that my DD was a "retard".

Damn. I think I would have smacked her....and I'm not a violent person. Shock

Steeley113 · 15/01/2018 11:40

Never get involved in kids falling out, the girls are obviously back to being friends so their tiff can’t have been that bad for you to try and ‘sort out’. They only started school in September and you’re causing drama already. God help you when they get to secondary school.

Original poster
PolicebirdPolly · 15/01/2018 11:41

zzzz where did I say it was bullying????

OP posts:
CrazyExIngenue · 15/01/2018 11:42

the horse riding certainly doesn’t sound true

I think this is a 4 year old asking another 4 year old to come. My 4 year old DD's best friend asked her to go on vacation to Thailand with them. They don't understand that parents generally need to be involved with overseas vacations.

Littlebitshort · 15/01/2018 11:42

Iv had something similar.....just change the subject when your DD talks about this girl and invite some other children over for playdates so that your DD can bond with other nice children. The issue will eventually go away and nasty girl will be forgotton. As for the mother of other child, what a TWAT! Who slags off a 4 year old? Nasty woman! Eventually the other parents will realize what a vile person she is and she will be alienated.....this mother at my school found herself alone at the school gates and has even switched schools!

Original poster
PolicebirdPolly · 15/01/2018 11:43

somelikeitchilly why an earth wouldn't it be true? My DD's friend does horseriding (as lessons) every weekend. I took my DD several times to have lessons when we were all friends. So naturally she still wants to go with her and this girl has been saying "are you coming horseriding this weekend" - what's so far fetched about that?!

OP posts:
SingingSeuss · 15/01/2018 11:43

Just say no. To be honest I wouldn't be letting a 4 year old go to someone's house for tea unaccompanied anyway, and certainly not out on a day trip. I certainly wouldn't be trusting her with someone that actively dislikes her. Friendships at age 4 are quite fickle. I would just keep them apart out of school. To be fair the kids are probably fine with each other now but I wouldn't have your dd anywhere near an adult I won't trust.

Lizzie48 · 15/01/2018 11:43

I have to admit I was very surprised when at the end of your post you said that your DD was 4. I was expecting her to be at least 2 or 3 years older. So the other mum's attitude is very bizarre, and it's awful of her to slag off a 4 year old! Of course you don't want your DD to go to her house.

I do think this is why it's really best to let the school handle this sort of thing. It can so easily get out of hand if parents try to sort it out together, because it's always a possibility that the other parent will turn on you as they will be supporting their own DD. Although if one of my DDs was hurting a friend at school and the other parent approached me I would make my DD apologise.

zzzzz · 15/01/2018 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MidnightExpress1 · 15/01/2018 11:44

I think op your guilty of escalating the situation when this could have been left to the school. At 4/5 years old they are still learning and are socially unaware how to express themselves. That’s not to say your dd has been no angel either. I know I have a 4year old myself. The way you were talking as if they were considerably older and that know right from wrong. Obviously what the woman has said about your dd is appalling but I think you need to take a step back when it comes to playground politics at this age. I wouldn’t be letting my dd got horsing riding without my present.

Original poster
PolicebirdPolly · 15/01/2018 11:44

little to be honest I'm praying she switches schools. Absolutely praying, because it's so awkward at the school gates

OP posts:
Somelikeitchilly · 15/01/2018 11:45

Why wouldn’t it be true? Oh I don’t know, the fact that you’d consider letting a young child horse ride on a play date. You’re also pretty defensive.

Greensleeves · 15/01/2018 11:46

It is miserable having to dread seeing someone at the school gates. She sounds bonkers to me. Hope she buggers off to a different school soon.

Trinity66 · 15/01/2018 11:46

I’m sorry. The Mum is the problem, the little girl deserves your utmost sympathy because she is being raised in hell.

That's probably true after hearing what the mother said about another 4 year old, awful behaviour

Original poster
PolicebirdPolly · 15/01/2018 11:48

Just to be clear - when I approached my friend about her DD hitting spitting etc it was when we were it for coffee and she was saying that she had been watching the tv program "the secret life of 4 year olds" and how it has made her sad that children will be mean to her DD etc. So I just said that was she aware that her DD had hit, spit etc my DD and she said no it didn't happen and I should know that all 4 year olds are "bullshitters" . I then left it and it only escalated again when the school approached her about her DD stamping on my DD's hand and it completely blew up with her shouting at me in the school car park.

OP posts:
Original poster
PolicebirdPolly · 15/01/2018 11:50

somelikeitchilly - I'm not considering it, that's the whole point of my AIBU. AIBU for NOT letting her go!

OP posts:
Original poster
PolicebirdPolly · 15/01/2018 11:50

zzzzz I agree the mums the problem.

OP posts:
Mookatron · 15/01/2018 11:51

People are being weird on this thread.

I wouldn't let my 4 yr old go to a house where the parents had slagged her off. I don't think you're letting your own issues get in the way I think you're just looking out for your little girl. Even if the mum thought she was keeping her opinion to herself they have a way of slipping out and that would be very confusing/hurtful for a 4 yr old.

Just say no.

Littlebitshort · 15/01/2018 11:53

I wouldnt be letting my child anywhere near someone that says ‘4 year olds are bullshitters’ or shouts at people in car parks! What an unsavoury character Confused

rocketgirl22 · 15/01/2018 11:53

I would not let my 4 year old child go to their house, ever.

You simply do not slag off other people's children. Full stop. You can not trust this woman one inch to properly care for your child.

Nor, would I wish to encourage any kind of friendship with another child that turns and does things like that. How do you know it won't happen at the house?

Honestly, make up one excuse after another in a very nice cheerful way and steer well clear. You don't need to confrontational, you can be nice to the other mother and civilised but stick to gentle refusals. They will get the message eventually and tell the other school mums there is no issues that you know of. End of.

Encourage other friendships that are healthier and better for your child. They can be friends at school but that is where it stops.

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 15/01/2018 11:53

Don’t let this vile woman be responsible for your little girl!

I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could spit.