To stop my DD going to this girl's house?

[PolicebirdPolly]

Bit of background - my DD and this girl have been friends for a couple of years. The girl's mother and I became very very good friends and met socially etc, many play dates at each other's houses.

Things changed 4 months ago when this girl turned on my DD. We are talking spitting, hitting, verbal abuse and isolation. I tried to approach the subject with my friend but she was having none of it and even though the school intervened and spoke to my friend about her DD's behaviour she still wouldn't believe it and subsequently we fell out. Very badly.

Since our falling out, I have been approached by some of the other school mums to say that my ex friend has been heard saying some quite unsavoury things about my DD. I didn't take much notice until I heard her with my own ears at a birthday party (she didn't realise I was stood behind her). She's also said some pretty awful things about me on social media.

Despite all this - the girl's have remained friends even though I've tried to encourage my DD to play with other children as something happens every week with this girl.

Here's my AIBU - literally every week I get asked by my DD if she can go to this girl's house for tea or can she go horseriding with her at the weekend etc. I don't feel comfortable letting my DD go to this girl's house with everything that the mum has said about her. My DD doesn't understand why I won't let her because of course I haven't told her that this woman has slagged her off! My DD is 4 if that's makes a difference.

WWYD? AIBU?

I wouldn’t allow my 4 year old around someone so toxic as that.

Moo she's my first child that's gone through school. So to some posters it might seem like a stupid question but after the comment about I'm letting my feelings about the mother interfere with my DD, I didn't know if I was being unreasonable. Seems you can't ask a question without getting flamed on a Monday morning 🙇🏽‍♀️

Your not being unfair.
Your DD is not old enough to decide,this is your job as a mother.
Also should these two fight, while at the other childs home, you would find your child cast as the child from hell..
Your just going to have to do things with your child, so she can say she is busy when asked.

I wouldn’t be surprised if both the girls have been equally nasty towards each other. The manner in which you described I can see why you got her back up. Like me and others said they are 4 just starting school and learning social ques as they go along. They will fall out and become bbf the next day.

midnight I'm under no illusion that my DD is no angel. However when she's coming home with spit on her bag, marks on her from where she's been hit or stamped etc then I think there's more of an issues than "kids will be kids". Especially as the school got involved after they repeatedly told the girl off and she wasn't listening. Would you stand by and allow this to happen to your child? Do you think it's normal for a child to be hit at school?

I'd go to the class teacher and have a word. Completely unacceptable - and batshit - that your ex friend is badmouthing your dd.

I'd also ask for the teacher/HT's advice on your ex friend badmouthing YOU on social media too - has your other friend screenshotted any of it?

And no, don't let her go there.

I'd be strongly encouraging her to form other frienships.

salad I have and was advised to contact the police but think that's abit too OTT

If the child's mother is behaving like that then no wonder her daughter is so violent.

No way! Ask some nicer girls round to yours instead.

However when she's coming home with spit on her bag, marks on her from where she's been hit or stamped etc then I think there's more of an issues than "kids will be kids".

No idea why people think that's "normal 4 year old behaviour" it isn't and of course you had to get involved

No way would I leave my vulnerable 4 year old in her care after what she has been saying about her and you. Hopefully it will fizzle out soon

Noooooo - I was advised to report the mother for what she said about my DD and the stuff on social media about me.

The school have been brilliant regarding what's going on with the girls to be fair to them

Why wouldn’t it be true? Oh I don’t know, the fact that you’d consider letting a young child horse ride on a play date.

Where does the OP say shes considering this?

Saucy harsh much? This girl has invited her. So pipe down unless you know the facts

So thats a no then? She hasn't been invited.

deranged her DD's behaviour isn't surprising because her mother has the same temper

I wouldn’t be surprised if both the girls have been equally nasty towards each other. The manner in which you described I can see why you got her back up. Like me and others said they are 4 just starting school and learning social ques as they go along. They will fall out and become bbf the next day

They may only be 4 but thats the exact attitude I got when my DS was being bullied at 10, except it took something really serious happening before anything was done about the other boy.

Why didn’t the school ban the mother from school premises if she’s verbally abusing you in the car park?

sprinkle i was told they don't like to get involved with issues between the parents

The weird thing about this whole thread is that the DD hasn’t even had an invite. Yes the other child might have mentioned it, even in front of her mother, but unless the parent does it, it is not a real invite.

So OP, I would remind your DD that grown ups do the inviting, not the children and then change the subject. I very much doubt this woman is suddenly going to contact you to arrange a play date. If she does, remind of her comments and politely decline.

You’re doing the right thing in not letting your DD go this girl’s house. I’m shocked by the mum’s behaviour. Anybody flying off the handle like this over what is essentially a four year old being mean to another four year old need their head examined. And talking about your daughter like that to other adults is appalling.if a mum had talked to me like that about another child I would have told her to fuck off.

I understand it makes things awkward at the school gate. Maybe when the other girl asks your DD if she can come over, just say to your DD ‘No, you can’t ‘ and just turn around and walk away. The girls will stop asking eventually and hopefully your daughter will be making other friends. I don’t think a four year old would really understand if you explain why to be honest. You could tell her the other girl is not being very nice and leave it that but she might repeat this to her friend and you don’t really want a screaming banshee running after you in the car park. Not worth the hassle.

She doesn't need to not let her. She has not bee invited. You can't stop a four year old from going somewhere that they are not going to.

What a non point.

Spiting, hitting and stamping on hands are certainly not typical behaviour for any age!! At age 4 children are certainly still learning how to behave but if a child (without SEN) continues doing these things in the classroom then the school are absolutely right to interviene. Its nasty behaviour that should be dealt with and not dismissed as ‘kids being kids’