Best friend's ds has autism ( I think) but she hasn't told me

[rocketgirl22]

My best friend and I have been friends for almost thirty years but now live some distance away, but our friendship has stayed as close as it ever was. I respect her hugely and would never want to hurt her, which is why I haven't spoken to her directly just yet.

I am godparent to both her ds and all of our dc are close. Over the years I have noticed her youngest ds has quite extreme behaviour issues, these have become increasingly pronounced.

At 10 yrs old it is quite obvious to anyone that something is wrong. He finds it difficult to talk or engage with the others (he can speak but chooses not to) he does strange fits of dancing in restaurants or lies on the floor. He rocks a lot and comforts himself with his thumb. He hangs off the other children or constantly prods them but doesn't actually speak or join in. My friend did once tell me something about an assessment but didn't elaborate and the moment was lost.

I really don't know what could be wrong with him, I am definitely not an expert but I know something is, and she hasn't told me. I don't know how to ask her if everything is okay as surely she must need some support?
Or maybe she prefers not to acknowledge it. She struggles terribly with him when we go out together, and it is beginning to feel like the elephant in the room, as I don't know what to say.

I don't care how her ds behaves, it doesn't bother me in the least, I love him to bits. I just want to be there for her, if there is indeed something wrong it must be hard for her to deal with.

Anyone with advice would be greatly appreciated.

She might think it's none of your business

I wouldn’t do anything, he is still the same child no matter what and if you are best friends she will know she can talk to you if she wants to.

I think if she wanted to talk about it, she would.

Could you just offer a bit more practical support - maybe meet up a bit more often or offer to take him out somewhere for the afternoon for a treat? I know you said you don't live that close to her.

Otherwise I think just carry on being her friend.

How much would putting a name on the ds's behaviour change the level of support you can give.

Be there, listen, offer to babysit to give your friend a break, be a good friend in short.
Your friend has, for whatever reason, decided not to discuss the nature of her son's behavior problems with you. I understand that this ftustrates your curiosity but I'm sure you can support her whilst respecting her wishes.

"I don't care how her ds behaves, it doesn't bother me in the least, I love him to bits."

Then give it a rest.
Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it all the time.

Friendship means letting your friends deal with their stuff on their terms. You don't have to be involved. Just be there.

Going against the grain here - there are lots of reasons why she might not have mentioned it, and not just because she doesn't want to. She may find it too sad, feel guilty or ashamed (for no good reason), think you don't want to talk about it etc. You know her best? What would be your guess re the reason for her reticence? I would be inclined to think up a very gentle approach and tentatively ask something, that she could either drop or follow up as she wishes. Maybe including something along the lines, if she does drop it, about how much you value her friendship and support over his years, and you'd hope she knows that you always want to support her if she wants to talk or needs practical help.

And maybe restaurants are not a good place to meet up. Certain atmospheres probably create stress and anxiety for both mum and DS.
His movements are referred to as 'stimming' OP.

Next time, why don't you offer your friend to meet up in a place that her son would enjoy? Just say, "What's a good place to meet, for DS? Where would be easier and more enjoyable for both of you,? Because I know kids can get kind of bored in restaurants, so whatever is best for you guys is best for me."

How many times did you just use the word "wrong" in that post?

You can support her without knowing if her son has X condition. If she told you he had ASD how would ypur behavioir change? If you can think up some positive things to do to help knowing he has ASD then just do them anyway.

Maybe you should do some reading and adjust your rather negative attitude and then maybe she'll feel that you're more in tune?

If you’re good friends, then I think that if she wanted to talk about it, she would.

Would it really change things for your relationship anyway, if you were aware of her DS having a diagnosis?

Perhaps she doesn't have a diagnosis. My son was referred to CAMHS when he was 6, the waiting list for an assessment was 3.5 years. It then took 6 months to do all the assessments. We finally got a diagnosis last month - over 4 years after being initially referred.

I haven't made an announcement of his diagnosis to friends. I'm not sure how to tell people. So I've not really said anything.

Thank you for your replies, I have read each one carefully.

My friend appears to be embarrassed about it which is why she hasn't said anything (she has absolutely no need to be, but if I am honest that is the root of it). I think she just wants everything to be perfect, and she is a perfectionist and always has been since we were young. It is painful for me to watch her struggle, and not be able to help her properly.

There is great suggestions about avoiding certain places and asking her the best places to go. I will do that in future (although she is the one that usually makes the plans as she is more organised than I am)

What is 'stimming'? I should probably do some research as well.

The problem is not that she is fed up with talking about it all the time, it is the fact she hasn't said anything at all (which I understand and respect completely) but our get togethers become strained because we aren't even mentioning it and never have, even though it is there and blindingly obvious.

I am hurt in some ways she doesn't feel she can talk to me, we have been through hell and back over the years.

He is just him, he is who he is.

Having/knowing his label won't change him.

If your friend needs support I'm sure she'll ask.

I agree with Pannacott - sometimes people need a way in to talk about things. She might very well be feeling sad, ashamed etc. She also might think the issues she’s experiencing with her DS must be obvious to you, and infer that you’ve decided you’d prefer not to discuss them. You know your friend better than we do though.

You sound like a lovely friend, but be aware as well she might find it difficult if she perceives that your family life is much easier than hers.

As in we together have dealt with huge problems in our lives and have always shared everything in the past.

I don't know why this is different? I was hoping someone might explain and help me understand

OP I think you sound like a wonderful friend, and not like you are the sort of person who pokes her oar in where it isn't wanted. I agree with Pannacott that there are lots of reasons people don't speak about their problems, other than that they don't want to. How simplistic to think that everyone always does what they want and what makes them feel best-- if only that were true, life would be so much easier!

I think that you have to listen to your deepest instincts here, and see if there is a moment when you feel your friend is wanting to talk about her son and you can help her to feel that you would like to understand and get to know a bit more about how she is feeling. If you love him and are not judgemental, that will come through in how you talk to her, I am sure.

Might be worth taking a look at the National autistic society website for tips. What works for some of us doesn't work for all, there's no prescriptive way to help it's trial and error.

NAS

My DD has high functioning autism, and some other bits. She looks pretty mainstream but it's clear there is something different.

I have an acquaintance who I won't discuss this with as she is very judgemental of my child and boasts about hers in comparison to mine.
Check your interactions, your pride in own kids may be coming across badly.

If you are sure you are being supportive then read up on a variety of things, autism, ADHD, Sensory processing disorder etc. You may find something that matches and get an idea on how to best interact with child.

If you can't ask her outright, would it be awful to make out you have a new temp co worker whose child is going through something similar to your friends child and you wondered how mates kid is doing as she'd briefly mentioned assessment?

And please remember when he behaves in ways that seem odd or "bad" he is not being wilfully bad he is likely responding to having a bad time, struggling to cope.

You don't NEED to know if there is a diagnosis to be supportive though.

I don't have any negative views on autism or anything else I can assure you battleax.

From my point of view, if he is being assessed or has a diagnosis then

a) I would like to be there for her to talk to if she wants to

b) Step up my help and would start to do far more in terms of looking after her ds than I do now

c) If she needs emotional support she has it unconditionally

d) Choose places he can manage (she seems to always choose restaurants and it is often a nightmare) I could suggest other easier options

e) It might just take some pressure off her (she is very stressed and tells me she can't sleep, feels ill, and is generally massively struggling)

I can't easily do much of this without her telling me, or talking about it. I will never push to find out, but I am worried more about her than him.