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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Best friend's ds has autism ( I think) but she hasn't told me

152 replies

rocketgirl22 · 15/01/2018 09:51

My best friend and I have been friends for almost thirty years but now live some distance away, but our friendship has stayed as close as it ever was. I respect her hugely and would never want to hurt her, which is why I haven't spoken to her directly just yet.

I am godparent to both her ds and all of our dc are close. Over the years I have noticed her youngest ds has quite extreme behaviour issues, these have become increasingly pronounced.

At 10 yrs old it is quite obvious to anyone that something is wrong. He finds it difficult to talk or engage with the others (he can speak but chooses not to) he does strange fits of dancing in restaurants or lies on the floor. He rocks a lot and comforts himself with his thumb. He hangs off the other children or constantly prods them but doesn't actually speak or join in. My friend did once tell me something about an assessment but didn't elaborate and the moment was lost.

I really don't know what could be wrong with him, I am definitely not an expert but I know something is, and she hasn't told me. I don't know how to ask her if everything is okay as surely she must need some support?
Or maybe she prefers not to acknowledge it. She struggles terribly with him when we go out together, and it is beginning to feel like the elephant in the room, as I don't know what to say.

I don't care how her ds behaves, it doesn't bother me in the least, I love him to bits. I just want to be there for her, if there is indeed something wrong it must be hard for her to deal with.

Anyone with advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
BishopBrennansArse · 15/01/2018 13:59

Some people don't want to spill their guts.
My neighbours give us absolute hell because we don't gossip about our personal lives - why is it a requirement to tell anyone anything?

TheFrenchLieutenantsMonkey · 15/01/2018 14:36

How I read it is that OP would like to know if the child has a diagnosis of anything so she can support the mother by treating the child the right way. As she says, one behaviour can be seen as acceptable for one child and but not for another who has ASD, Aspergers, dyspraxia, ODD, SPD etc.
To be honest I've found it difficult accepting support for my child. I feel as though I should be able to cope with my children, I chose to have them, it's up.to me and nobody else and I am letting them down letting anyone help. I've had a hard time with it but it's best for.my DD and my DS that they get the support they need.
If she is a perfectionist maybe it is denial or she's trying to cope on her own. It's also possible that she hasn't had an official diagnosis yet. Maybe she doesnt want to say until shes certain. They take ages (2 ish years) to sort one and to be fair once you've got it you're on your own.

Doubletrouble99 · 15/01/2018 14:59

I have found that a trouble shared is a trouble halved. We adopted our two ASD children when they were toddlers and had suffered extreme trauma. I was later diagnosed with secondary trauma as the stress of trying to cope alone with two very damaged children.
When I received help from another parent it was such a relief to be able to discuss it with someone else. From this friendship I then joined a group of parents and accessed lots of other support.
Unless we talk to others how can we possibly find the help we need.
I think the OP's friend treats her child as naughty which is a major problem when a child is on the spectrum and a fresh look at things from a different prospective could be just what she needs.

zzzzz · 15/01/2018 15:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bialystockandbloom · 15/01/2018 16:08

zzzzz I found it the opposite - felt there was far more 'gossip' before I was open about my ds, not afterwards - whether or not there actually was or not I don't know, but that was my fear. But at least when I chose to talk to people about it it was all in the open. I think if anyone is twatty enough to gossip in playground etc, they'll do it more in a judgemental tutting sort of way if a child is not known to have a dx, rather than if they are. That was my perception/experience anyway. Any behaviours that are unusual will attract attention/talk, not the diagnosis itself, imo.

Not that I mean the op's friend is obliged to talk about it to anyone other than who she chooses, but my experience wasn't the same as yours - I've felt much more true support since I told people than before.

Original poster
rocketgirl22 · 15/01/2018 16:37

zzz

If she was bereaved I would absolutely know how it happened, and would be the person she calls first after her parents
If she had cancer (and she had a scare before) she called me the moment she knew
I already know about her money troubles good and bad

I don't know what your point is. She is my closest and oldest friend not a casual friend, and I am certain she will tell me when she is ready.

OP posts:
Original poster
rocketgirl22 · 15/01/2018 16:45

bialystock

I am worried that she is quietly going through this at her local school. I hope the mums there are kind.I have never met them as she doesn't have parties for him.
Fortunately she doesn't do school runs so I hope it shields her.

I don't know anyone who would gossip like this esp about a child, but there are always a few bad apples.

We have planned a night out now.

OP posts:
zzzzz · 15/01/2018 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Easilyflattered · 15/01/2018 16:47

I have a child with high functioning autism.

I tell people of the diagnosison a need to know basis.

So his school and swimming teacher know, but there are family members who still don't know, because we see them so rarely and they are never in sole charge of my child.

Piffle11 · 15/01/2018 16:50

As the mother of a child with autism, I second what others have said: please don't keep going on about what is 'wrong' with her child. I remember talking to my cousin about my DS and his wife said 'when I met your son I said to DH, 'there's something wrong with that kid'. Could have punched her, but instead I just choose not to see them.

RidingWindhorses · 15/01/2018 16:54

But she isn't her old self and she can't be so that's a form of denial.

I don't agree one can be sure that not talking is personal choice. Some people find it very hard to talk about such things but want to nonetheless. She may feel afraid of burdening OP, she may not be able to find the words.

She may be waiting for the results of the assessment before she says anything.

RidingWindhorses · 15/01/2018 16:57

I'm a bit concerned about the care from the GPs, clearly they mean well, but if they're not clued up on ASD and there is no diagnosis as yet, they could be doing all kinds of things that are traumatising the child. Such as smacking etc.

This obsession with his naughtiness could be very detrimental to him.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 15/01/2018 16:57

One thing we can be sure of is no-one knows how the OP's friend feels!

Original poster
rocketgirl22 · 15/01/2018 17:12

zzz

She has the right to be her old self and not tell anyone, or tell everyone, clearly it is her choice.

I am looking after the boys over the summer, I will be solely in charge by then, and it would be good to know how I can make sure it goes well. I will have four dc for nearly week.

OP posts:
Original poster
rocketgirl22 · 15/01/2018 17:18

riding

Yes it is bit of a problem as the gm is really strict, and ds and gm clash. They did even when he was a tot. A confirmed diagnosis would help no end in that respect.

OP posts:
notgivingin789 · 15/01/2018 17:25

When I opened up to some people about DS Autism, surprisingly the majority of them had DC’s with Autism too. I didn’t feel like I was the only one going through the trails of raising an Autistic child. Not only that, I’ve met people who knew so much information about the education system and without them, I would not of suceeded in taking the LA to Tribunal to secure funding for DS at his specialist school.

I agree Double, OP sounds like a good friend who only wants to help her friend. Who would she gossip to ? I mean, no offence, no one cares, they will be like “Oh really ? Autism” and then they get on with their own lives.

RidingWindhorses · 15/01/2018 17:25

The question is whether GPs are going to be able to take the diagnosis on board, and whether they're willing to do all the reading and learning wrt how to deal with him.

RidingWindhorses · 15/01/2018 17:26

I agree the OP sounds like a very good friend, trying to do her best for her friend and son.

notgivingin789 · 15/01/2018 17:27

Unless we talk to others how can we possibly find the help we need

100 percent agree !

Notreallyarsed · 15/01/2018 17:30

I don’t mean this as an attack OP, but the language you use (through lack of knowledge of autism rather than nastiness I think) about your friend’s DS and his behaviour is very negative. I think your intentions are good, and you care deeply for your friend and her son, but the language you use would really upset me if it was one of my friends talking about me or my children (we’re all autistic).

Research is great, but I agree that your friend shouldn’t be pushed. I’m very open about autism in our family, but I’d be respectful of someone who wasn’t/chose not to be.

RidingWindhorses · 15/01/2018 17:39

I actually find the friend much more negative about ASD than the OP. Friend keeps talking about bad behaviour and naughtiness, whereas OP can see it may be ASD issues.

DangerMummy · 15/01/2018 17:39

"I didn’t feel like I was the only one going through the trails"

The people I opened up to made me feel this way - I was extremely selective who I spoke to about the Ed Psych and the occupational therapist and the speech therapist.

I think if you only have a NT child/children, you might not realise how isolating it can be when everyone is discussing/competing with each other about how well their children are doing. This (certainly in my experience) results in you becoming more reserved and I became a bit antisocial if I have truly honest until I had personally dealt with it myself. Anyone raising any issue resulted in me not sleeping at night I was so stressed

Original poster
rocketgirl22 · 15/01/2018 17:41

notreallyarsed

It really genuinely isn't my intention to be negative and I was surprised to read your post.

It certainly doesn't stem from my feelings about autism because I have no issue with it whatsoever, but maybe I do lack knowledge and experience and it is coming across badly? What did I say to make you think that I was negative?
I was trying to describe what was happening, but understand it may be offensive to some unintentionally.
I will try to be more careful.

OP posts:
DangerMummy · 15/01/2018 17:44

"Friend keeps talking about bad behaviour and naughtiness" - what you are missing here though is that bad behaviour and naughtiness are not a life long condition ---and there is the potential that this will not be there in 2 years time, whereas something like ASD (if this is what the friend's child has) is a life long condition

I can relate to the friend - this sounds like she has fully accepted it yet

Original poster
rocketgirl22 · 15/01/2018 17:51

danger

Yes my friend talks about over competitive parents at school gate she avoids it at all costs, I thought she was talking just generally (as it annoys me too) but maybe it is overbearing for her when she is so worried about her child.

OP posts: