To ask how I just accept who I am?

[cutteduppombears]

Every week we go to MILs for Sunday lunch and every week I come away feeling like a shit wife and mother.

MIL and SIL tell me how busy they've been. Organising cupboards, booking things, arts and crafts, baking, meal planning and shopping done for the coming week and all the rest of it. They aren't saying it to make me feel bad (I don't think?!) - it's my own insecurities.

I'm the complete opposite- for example I haven't even washed school uniforms yet but SIL has washed, dried, ironed and put the uniforms out ready for school tomorrow along with packed school bags and homework completed. I just feel rubbish. I probably should organise myself more and I'm working on it. I've recently been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and have just started some medication. I'm trying to make positive changes. This is just who I am. I somehow always manage to get things done and I'm fine but when I've been around them and they comment 'How do you cope knowing you haven't done any housework yet?' I just always feel bad. How do I not let this bother me?

You decide there is a lot more to life and your value as a human being than washing and ironing. I’m sure you’re a lovely person with many excellent qualities that have nothing to do with how dusty or not your skirting boards are. Focus on those things!

If you’ve all made it through the day alive, fed, warm and loved, it’s a great day. Comparison is the thief of joy. It’s easy to say I know but be kind to yourself. Xx

Fuck em. Get your husband to do it. That's what I do. We've all got different talents in life.

God did not put you on this planet to be a Stepford Wife.

As long as your kids have clean uniform when they need it who fucking cares if its ready 3 days or 3 minutes before they need it!?

I always have the best intentions of being super organised but it never sustains it self for long. Meh things get done just not with a great deal of time to spare.

... or you could just say "that's great, but I decided to spend my weekend doing xyz with the kids and then it was time for Sunday lunch. I do that boring stuff when kids in bed!" and smile when their mouths dropp!!!

What empty lives they must lead if they need to talk about washing up and ironing. Keep smiling when they start bragging and rise above it all - they're bores!

Organising cupboards?!? Surely life is too short!

On a more serious note, you said yourself that you always manage to get stuff done and you're fine, so there's sweet fuck all to worry about. You do the things that are important to you, they might feel that they're happier organising and booking things. Horses, courses, etc.

To be fair, I know where you're coming from. I always feel other people are better at adulting than I am, but IME the only way to not drive yourself crazy is to a) accept that this is the way you are and b) take a good hard look at your life and realise that you're actually doing quite well.

They need to know they've done housework in order to cope? It's not you, it's them... What would happen if you didn't go next week?

They are clearly looking for validation. Try just telling them how great they are to be so organised and well done. DON’T say you wish you were like them, just say well done. They will shut up. Xxx

Try to let their comments wash over you. As for accepting who you are, I used to struggle with that when feeling depressed or anxious because my depressed, anxious mind told me that if I accepted who I was I'd never change, get better or achieve anything - which made me feel worse. Now I try to accept who I am 'right now', and I realise that over time I achieve many things that I aim for, that my mental health has improved, and I generally feel okay with myself day to day. There is more to life than being well-organised and good at housework! You actually sound quite capable, anyway. So cut yourself some slack and don't let them feed your demons.

I don’t think they’re telling you to be mean,it’s just their routine what they prefer
And it’s fair enough to have a routine that works for you. Just do your thing
Someone I know with anxiety & depression finds that level of order and planning helps them.it reduces the unpredictability. And no stress in morning looking for stuff
So essentially I’m saying do your thing without comparing yourself to your family
And I hope things improve for you, wishing you well at a difficult time

'How do you cope knowing you haven't done any housework yet?'

That is really passive aggressive.

Well they sound dead boring to me OP. I'm sitting here drinking a glass of wine, I need to get the uniforms out the washer and hang them out - they certainly won't be getting ironed.

Tomorrow I will scrabble together lunches, try and find water bottles and p.e. kits and shout at the kids to get their shoes on 978 times.

I've given up fighting it anymore. It's our normal and it's ok 😊 so crack on as you are OP x

I don’t think they sound boring. Just different to op.thats all
I lay out all my clothes for the week on a Saturday, bag packed,lunch in fridge
I’ve laid out the kids clothes for the week, their bags are packed on a Saturday
None of this makes me boring, it simply works for us. No, mum!where are my trainers dramas in the morning
I cook & freeze meals, I prepare lunches in advance. Giving me more time,no hassle

OP - I don't think they are saying this to make you feel bad it sounds like they both like being organised and having routines so have this in common so talk about it. I am middle of the road here, so have some rellies who are much less organised, laid back, eg never have enough milk, loo roll (which would freak me out!) other rellies are a bit more housework orientated, and dont get that I do my own stuff/work longer hours/do things with DD then fit housework in around that.

Change the subject of conversation to something else

Like whats happening in the news

The weather

Holiday plans

Gossip

Anything !

Life is far too short to be discussing the merits of tidying cuboards and ironing

My sister's in-laws do this too - they try to make her feel bad with comments like "Oh you know me - I'm not like you, I just can't bear unironed sheets."

I pointed out to my sister that she's not really the type to engage in competitive ironing or competitive housework, and it did seem to help, but it gets to her.

I feel vastly superior to people like them. If all they have to talk about is tidying cupboards and meal planning they must lead very boring lives.

Exactly Falang!
It's not so much being boring by doing it - it's the fact they want to talk about doing it!

The day I start to get my kicks by boasting about my ironing is the day i throw in the towel.

People like Lipstick - if you’re laying out a week’s worth of clothes, where do you put them? They’d just end up scrumpled in a heap on the floor in our house if I did that. Do you have a special place?!?

If they are saying this to you then I think maybe this is their way to cope- maybe they have anxiety problems themselves and can’t imagine doing it and other way (especially if the mother does then the daughter may well follow given that it’s the way she has been brought up and it’s her way to deal with it). I don’t think it means they are looking down on you in any way- maybe their anxiety is so high that they feel you have a good way of life and just can’t understand how you are happily living this way (when in fact they would like to know your secret so they too, could live this way?) maybe they are just thinking you are more laid back than them and wanting your way of life?

My stuff is Hanging up in wardrobe.week outfit, underwear,accessories
Kids their stuff hanging on hangers also. Shoes/trainers looked out.bags packed
It works for me,no faffing about in morning.i work ft and it’s full on

How do you cope knowing you haven't done any housework yet?'

A PP says That is really passive aggressive. Really, truly it might not be PA? Or judgemental. Or having a dig. It might be envy at the OP not being so uptight.

OP, I am probably alot a bit like your MIL and SIL. I try always, always to "get ahead" of the jobs and chores. Washing on as soon as there is a load. Always got packed lunch stuff lined up ready to go. This is my anxiety. My coping mechanism. In the laughable hope that when all the jobs are done I can relax. But of course the jobs are never done. I rarely relax as I am anxious.

I look at people who do not have the same anxious "busy, busy, busy" monster in their head with envy. I wish I could be more chilled.

I am learning to chill a bit. To "leave it" a bit. But it is hard.

I suppose what I am trying to say is yes, learn to accept who you are. Being like them wouldn't isn't the right way. It is different. And not necessarily happier.