To ask how I just accept who I am?

[cutteduppombears]

Every week we go to MILs for Sunday lunch and every week I come away feeling like a shit wife and mother.

MIL and SIL tell me how busy they've been. Organising cupboards, booking things, arts and crafts, baking, meal planning and shopping done for the coming week and all the rest of it. They aren't saying it to make me feel bad (I don't think?!) - it's my own insecurities.

I'm the complete opposite- for example I haven't even washed school uniforms yet but SIL has washed, dried, ironed and put the uniforms out ready for school tomorrow along with packed school bags and homework completed. I just feel rubbish. I probably should organise myself more and I'm working on it. I've recently been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and have just started some medication. I'm trying to make positive changes. This is just who I am. I somehow always manage to get things done and I'm fine but when I've been around them and they comment 'How do you cope knowing you haven't done any housework yet?' I just always feel bad. How do I not let this bother me?

Tell the both of them you are way too busy having sex with their son/brother to do any of that malarkey. I know you won't but can you imagine . . . !

Ah, but your cupboards don't need to be reorganised .
It does not sound like stimulating conversation and it's making you doubt yourself, are you able to change the arrangement to fortnightly?

Meh let them organise. Join me watching a nice boxes instead

How do you cope knowing you haven't done any housework yet? What! Why would you want to measure your life by whether you'd done the housework? So - think of the things that you do do that you enjoy, and just keep reciting those to yourself - they're why you've not done the housework, you've been busy with more interesting/important things. Secondly, if you're suffering from depression, having cleaned your teeth today is a matter for self-congratulation. Keep reminding yourself that keeping your life just ticking along is a real achievement when you're suffering from a recurrent illness like depression.

If you can do it, think what you would say to a friend in your position. Would you be so critical of her? I think you would be telling her how well she is doing - so don't be stricter on yourself than you would on other people.

Some weekends (years) are just about survival - that’s ok too 👌

It's addictive once you've lived like that for a while. We're the kinda household who have everything ready for Monday morning on Sunday eve. I love it

When we compare ourselves to others we create insecurities.

Don't compare yourself, OP.

We are all different and others may be looking at you thinking, "how does she do it? She seems so relaxed about everything"

We create our own acceptance by not comparing. All the best x

Be kind to yourself, I find this perfect life and constant comparison shit so depressing. don't go for a few weeks and gain some clarity away from them, if they ask where you are tell your husband to tell them that you're at home cleaning 😂 and don't worry it wouldn't do for us all to do things the same, as long as you get all your stuff done don't let anyone make you feel inferior! I know how you feel and I say these things from real experience. I've started the nhs let's talk, talking therapy recently and it has really really helped me with this sort of thing. The docs should've told you about it if you have been diagnosed with anxiety recently.

I'm always mostly disorganised, forget things and misplace things. My home is "lived in". But my DC are happy and healthy and I can live with disorganisation because I'd rather do other things than tidy up all the time. Different priorities aren't wrong or bad, just different!

Thank you everyone. I know that this is just me and I'm actually quite happy with how I love. As I said everything gets done that just needs to be done so perhaps I'm actually doing ok. Being a housekeeper is not what I'm here for and isn't something I aspire to be- I know that but why do I still come away feeling like a loser?

Just because they say they have done all this doesn't mean they actually have.

You feel like a looser because they're playing a competitive one upmanship game. This can be a displacement activity for them to manage stress, or it could be that they just lead crushingly dull lives. It's really easy to get sucked into this game, and PPs have given good advice on dealing with it.

The medication will help, as would taking the odd Sunday off from visiting.

I don't think that because they are organised it makes them bad people. I am extremely organized and in fact find it far less stressful when Things are set, planned and done in advance rather than last minute. I find my dc is also following suit and we have a less chaotic lifestyle.

BUT everyone is different. And if it works in your home then don't feel bad. It doesn't make you worse off or them better off, just different.

I'm wondering what kind if life you all have out of the home, jobs, commutes, number of dc kind of thing. I used to have a long stressful commute and work long hours. At that point I had to be organised as I would never have been on time. These days I can please myself and have oodles more time, far less organised as it isn't a necessity.

Why are people talking only about housework anyway.

OP, Lipstick says that every Saturday, she sorts out all her clothes for the following week, hangs them up in date order. That suits her, so it's fine, but it's not something that everyone does

I think this is a really good example of "each to his own". Some people like structure/routine. Other people prefer to be more flexible/ad hoc.

You don't mention if you / MIL / SIL work. Also, you don't mention your DP / DH's role in terms of household stuff. all of these things could make a difference too

God did not put you on this planet to be a Stepford Wife

You know the vicious comments about other women are not necessary in order to make OP feel better. You're just slagging off her family and being really fucking offensive to a lot of women on this forum as well.

Don't be dicks lads. If other people clean more than you you don't have to be such a dick about it.

Organising cupboards.

I have neither anxiety nor depression and I don't organise my cupboards, bake or do any of that crap so don't give it a second thought OP. There are way more important things in life!

The only thing I'm organised about is food shopping and meal planning. I have to get up at 6am most mornings so I have time to wash my hair/iron uniforms because I couldn't be bothered to do it the night before.

Oh gosh, life is too short to spend it worrying about housework! Let them get on with it if that's what they want to do but if you'd rather spend your time doing other stuff, crack on! And tell them that too!

"Thanks for the advice MIL/SIL but actually I'd rather my dc went to school in a slightly grubby shirt if it means that I've managed to spend some quality time with them over the weekend."

My god I'm a lazy cow in comparison to them!!

The most important thing is your kids being happy. Concentrate on spending time with them and having fun. They don't care how immaculate their uniform is and whether it's laid out, etc.

How have I got to my 65th year without ever 'organising a cupboard'
I lost the will to live just reading the topics of conversation mentioned.
Surely it's not compulsory to spend every Sunday with in laws is it?
My in laws never expected it of me as I don't expect it of my daughters in law.
Be kind to yourself and have a weekend off.

MIL and SIL tell me how busy they've been. Organising cupboards

Wow... living the dream.

OP did it ever occur to you they might be jealous because you are free of their negative competitive blame culture and the pressure they are always under?

Women are really good at doing this shit to each other. You are not like that, be thank full OP

If they were boasting about writing novels and running big companies I could understand you feeling bad, but housework? It’s extremely low paid menial labour. It’s great that these two pea brains have found a way to enjoy it, but it’s nothing to show off about - your dread of it Is entirely rationale. Do men love this stuff? Do they show off to each other about it? Nope, because it is shit and boring!

Hi op- I can understand. I too have anxiety and depression and it can manifest in so many ways.
Add to that fibromyalgia and OCD and you can see how that can make me feel!

I think when you have anxiety and depression there are several coping strategies, I swing between your method and your in laws.
Automatically for me when anxious, i organise the hell out of my house, and clean clean clean. Then comes the exhaustion and pain so I do sod all for a few days and then it depresses me even more.

I think the key here is to do what works for you, your family ( as in your household) and your state of mind.
You may find life much easier organising certain things in advance such as uniform, I know I do.
Other things don't matter so much.
Only you know what makes a difference to you and what would make your life a bit easier.

Please don't feel like you have to prove anything to anyone. They may have issues of their own and that is their way of dealing with them. Or they may simply enjoy being the way they are. It doesn't matter.

You should not be coming away from Sunday lunch feeling inferior or whatever, you simply have different priorities.
Medication does help so give it time.

Again, I just wanted to let you know that I totally understand how you feel. I've given myself the same talk too