To ask how I just accept who I am?

[cutteduppombears]

Every week we go to MILs for Sunday lunch and every week I come away feeling like a shit wife and mother.

MIL and SIL tell me how busy they've been. Organising cupboards, booking things, arts and crafts, baking, meal planning and shopping done for the coming week and all the rest of it. They aren't saying it to make me feel bad (I don't think?!) - it's my own insecurities.

I'm the complete opposite- for example I haven't even washed school uniforms yet but SIL has washed, dried, ironed and put the uniforms out ready for school tomorrow along with packed school bags and homework completed. I just feel rubbish. I probably should organise myself more and I'm working on it. I've recently been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and have just started some medication. I'm trying to make positive changes. This is just who I am. I somehow always manage to get things done and I'm fine but when I've been around them and they comment 'How do you cope knowing you haven't done any housework yet?' I just always feel bad. How do I not let this bother me?

Going against the grain here but when you do get organised/do the things you need to do in time then it’s actually less stressful and hard on you.

These things have to be done. Son(my thinking was, after years of chasing my tail) why not do them ahead of time when possible. Sure it’s not perfect all the time but overall he more you can do ahead of time the less stressy you feel overall.

I don’t know about organising cupboards but definitely school uniforms and that kind of thing. Mornings are hell if I haven’t done them ahead, it’s easier if I have.

What I realised was that I would sit there thinking “need to do this.... need to do that..” but didn’t actually do them until crunch time. It was like I was subconsciously daring myself to leave it as long as possible. I read here years ago a comment another organised poster made- something like “I don’t have as much sitting down time in the eveningsas other people”and that made me realise that I did a lot of sitting down and not much doing until the absolute last moment (usually a Monday morning). But always felt I had no time to do things in. It changed how I worked. I just get up and do the things that need doing, even though I don’t feel like doing it.

I am totally sympathetic to that feeling of being swamped and dysirgsnissd but the only person who can change it is you. If you were happy with how you roll, then fine. But if you are not - then maybe take out any implied or imagined criticism from your in laws and maybe think objectively about the things you could do to lift the last-minute pressure from yourself. I mean this kindly and of course, where possible (because life’s not perfect). But you could maybe start with doing the uniforms ahead of time and see if that one thing takes away some of the morning stress.

OP did it ever occur to you they might be jealous because you are free of their negative competitive blame culture and the pressure they are always under?

Seriously? They aren't jealous. #

They are almost certainly jealous. What other reason would you have to boast about organising your cupboards for 😂

They are almost certainly not jealous. It's just the stock answer here for any problem with any women "oh they're jealous of you hun".
It's sexist and stupid.

I remember feeling very inferior because my MIL boasted SIL would be doing the housework at 11pm, whilst I would be sitting in a messy house too tired to vacuum for days on end.

I now realise that at the time I was depressed and SIL was manically channelling all the frustration and energy caused by her very unhappy marriage into excessive housework.

25 years later I have the time and energy (and weekly cleaner) to keep my house as neat and clean as I like it. SIL is single again, much more relaxed and lives in mild chaos.

I think I would rather be a bit scatter-brained than the kind of person that wastes their weekend organising cupboards. WTF.

I’m sorry you’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and depression OP. Are your in laws aware of this? If it was me and I also suffer from anxiety and depression I would be letting them know and mentioning any help would be greatly appreciated.

My sister and I often talk about that kind of stuff. That’s because it’s so tedious and boring and an effort to do that when we ve done the laundry and hoovered and cleaned and the uniforms are ready, we d like to acknowledge it. It’s definitely not done for boasting purposes though we will accept praise.

Each to their own. It’s a bit like organising anything. Some people start Christmas shopping in June and some do it on Christmas Eve. As long as it happens it’s really fine. In your case, if your dc go to school in clean uniforms and nobody has died from food poisoning you are just doing it your way.

I wonder though if you are projecting here. They make a few desultory remarks about getting their chores done and you end up feeling inadequate. You say they mean no harm so perhaps working on letting these conversations wash over you would be most helpful?

Unless you want to change in which case ask them each for one helpful tip. Mine would be: do stuff as you go along, then there are very few actual jobs at all.

Anxiety and depression are illnesses. Life is harder when you have them. Stop using them as a stick to beat yourself with. Depression makes you do that. Do what you can, but you need to get well first. They're not ill.
Do not underestimate how exhausted depression and especially anxiety make you feel.
They're both a pair of unsupportive women who really ought to have more in their life than organising cupboards and looking at what you've been doing. Really, how bored do you need to be to organise a cupboard?

When I said them I meant MIL and SIL.