That this woman should take no for an answer?

[RebelRogue]

This year DD(5)wanted a party at home for her bday. Because we live in a one bedroom flat,i told her she could only have 3 kids,with her 4, and the parents won't stay.Didn't even bother with invites just messaged the parents as it's going to be a very laid back affair, more like an overcrowded playdate.

DD is super excited (has been since Christmas) so I assume there has been lots of chatter about her bday at school.

One of her friends mum approached me and asked why her daughter wasn't invited,that she's really upset about it and if the mum did something to upset me and now I'm leaving her kid out. I explained the situation, no room for more kids or grownups,DD is friends with her kid and likes her, we just had to be really restrictive with numbers. Her reply was along the lines "oh I didn't knew you were in a one bed,but surely you could make it work. What's one more child? And I wouldn't be any bother."
Once again I stated 4 kids was what i was comfortable with due to the size and I'm sorry but maybe we could have a playdate at some point.

Cue lots of passive aggressive messages on FB, about how evil grown ups are leaving children out, and if she's not with the in crowd,she can't help who she is and her child shouldn't suffer for it and when people asking what it is about vague insinuations or "I'll PM you hun".

It took all my strength to not reply "For fucks sake woman, there's no room!"

So AIBU?

YES VVVVVU!

Post on facebook - "I have already explained the situation to you. I have a 1 bed flat, DH invited 3 friends. This is a child's birthday, it is not about you!"

Repeat... "this is a kid's party, it is not all about you" until everyone gets it!

Why is it only the really weird people get to post nasties on fb and all the nice people feel they aren't allowed to defend themselves?

No. She's an idiot. Block and avoid her in future. I feel sorry for her child. If this is how the mother behaves she will be doing her DD no favours.

She is being an idiot and very rude. What are the dynamics of the friendship group though? Are they a group of five with only one left out? If so might be worth considering including them all in future.

Only other thing I can think of otherwise is, is she British? There are a lot of non-British parents at my DS's school and they sometimes don't quite know their way around British politeness and are a lot more direct.

Oh I've been there came storming over to demand why I didn't like her dd.
I was like wtf?

Apparently I obviously didn't like her dd as she hadn't been invited to my dd bday party.
Nope it was for 6 people.
Your daughter wasn't on that list.

Some people

She's an idiot ignore her. Not every child can go to every party.
Just put a message up- x is having a small tea party. She's so looking forward to it. Due to room restrictions we can only invite 3 friends. Maybe next year she could have a class party!

She is a dick.

Oh, just ignore her. Don't dignify her or waste your time on posting on FB about her,

@CuriousaboutSamphire it's not that I'm not allowed to defend myself, it's more that I can't be arsed with the drama. If i make a "stand" i know things will escalate, and while I'm prepared for it, I don't know what repercussions it could have for my DD.

@Eltonjohnssyrup she's British, I'm not.
As for the group dynamics,DD is friends with everyone and she plays with everyone, she doesn't belong to one group. She's a drifter.Two of the girls have their own little group because they're the youngest and have been together at pre school. The other girl has been DD's friend since they were in diapers.

The girl in question is part of a bigger group that DD sometimes plays with. I haven't separated the 5 Musketeers or anything.

Her poor little girl. She'll be left out a lot more if her Mum is like that.

i know things will escalate, and while I'm prepared for it, I don't know what repercussions it could have for my DD. I expressed myself poorly.

I meant why is it facebook etc is a great tool for those prepared to be totally unreasonable, why can't the reasonable folk get a toehold?

More a "Why are people like that?" rather than why are you chickening out?

You probably should just ignore it. But it would really annoy me, watching all the 'poor love' responses she is probably getting!

My guess is that this girl's mum is more interested in getting the "woohoo free childcare" benefit of having her DD at a party than with the child's social life.

The girl in question is part of a bigger group that DD sometimes plays with - so clearly you couldn't possibly invite her DD without also inviting a whole bunch more. It's clearly not "just one more"

The irony is there's no in crowd to be in. All of us run around from one place to another, barely see the teacher ,much less other parents or each other. One of the mums I've been friends with for years and the other two, i guess we mainly bonded over a mutual need for childcare and then realised we also get on well, but it's mainly the kids that keep us "together ". I haven't seen (and actually talk)them since early December at another bday party.

Right ‘u ok hun’ on any passive aggressive post she makes 😂😂

Hope your dd had an awesome party!

Of course yanbu. She sounds nuts. I hate the whole Facebook pity party. Honestly. You said you'd arrange a play date. That sounds fair enough to me.

Some parents go absolutely batshit when it comes to children's parties...

@Booboobooboo84 ohhh that's tempting

Stick to your guns, RebelRogue You don't have the space and this woman should honour that.

Honestly do it. She will either stop posting bull crap or block you. Both situations work well for you. Or she will message again saying why isn’t there room and you can say because there isn’t and if these posts are about me and my daughters birthday there never will be room again.

Is the little girl whose Mum has kicked off the only girl in the class who has not been invited?

If not, just say so again, due to lack of space, we can only have 3 invitees. End Of.

@ObscuredbyFog 31 kids in the class and the number of boys and girls are pretty even.

You're totally right to only invite the number of people you're happy with. As a possible defence for this mum though.... I have social anxiety and massively over think things like this if I give myself the chance to, which can make me a bit deranged! If she's the same she may have gone from her dd not being invited to one party to her being a social pariah who will die alone in one easy step 😂

At some stage, all children will be disappointed for being left out of a party. I think it’s fine she came and told you how her dd is feeling. You gave a perfectly valid reason and suggested a compromise alternative, which was compassionate and caring of you. Now it is her job to comfort her dd and put the compromise into action. For not doing so, she is bonkers and pa. Good on you for not conceding. I feel sorry for her dd as she has made this into a massive drama and probably knocked her dds confidence. This has more to do with the mother’s insecurities than those of her dd.

If you want to be kind to her dd and rise above it, you could reiterate on fb what you have already said. And state the offer of a play date is still open.

There was a thread about this from the other mothers' POV the other day.

At that age it does seem a bit harsh as you might have inadvertently caused a lot of pain. For the mum to approach you I think this might have been the case. Not much you can do about it now though.

This woman is a nutjob. Ignore and don't waste your headspace worrying about her. And FGS, block her on Facebook.

Well after this I'm not that happy about the playdate either, but if she asks I won't say no, preferably a drop off. I won't offer though.