That this woman should take no for an answer?

[RebelRogue]

This year DD(5)wanted a party at home for her bday. Because we live in a one bedroom flat,i told her she could only have 3 kids,with her 4, and the parents won't stay.Didn't even bother with invites just messaged the parents as it's going to be a very laid back affair, more like an overcrowded playdate.

DD is super excited (has been since Christmas) so I assume there has been lots of chatter about her bday at school.

One of her friends mum approached me and asked why her daughter wasn't invited,that she's really upset about it and if the mum did something to upset me and now I'm leaving her kid out. I explained the situation, no room for more kids or grownups,DD is friends with her kid and likes her, we just had to be really restrictive with numbers. Her reply was along the lines "oh I didn't knew you were in a one bed,but surely you could make it work. What's one more child? And I wouldn't be any bother."
Once again I stated 4 kids was what i was comfortable with due to the size and I'm sorry but maybe we could have a playdate at some point.

Cue lots of passive aggressive messages on FB, about how evil grown ups are leaving children out, and if she's not with the in crowd,she can't help who she is and her child shouldn't suffer for it and when people asking what it is about vague insinuations or "I'll PM you hun".

It took all my strength to not reply "For fucks sake woman, there's no room!"

So AIBU?

Barbie
I don’t doubt it. My dd was purposely excluded when she was 6 by the parent of the birthday child. And no I’m not paranoid 🤪. It was incredibly hurtful as this child had been dds absolute bestie until something happened. She went from this to refusing to speak to my dd for 6 months due to a ridiculous overreaction on the part of the mother. Dd was 5 at the time. Looking back it was the best thing that she split them up. I’d hate for dd to still be besties with this girl because of the controlling parental attitude, which is visibly rubbing off on the child.

But this is a completely different situation to the one I described.

@Barbie222 I get your point ,but I doubt it. Mainly because they are not that close and they don't spend any time together outside of the school except for whole class birthday parties.

Mummyoflittledragon At some stage all children will be disappointed for being left out of a party Yes to this. When I was a child in the 80s, we mostly had small gatherings of a few close friends at parties. Very few children had the whole class unless their parents had the time and patience and cash to hire a big village hall or something. And we all came out of it fine without any real scars.

Perhaps the little girl is struggling at school and the Mum is fighting her corner. People are to quick to call people a dick or a crazy Mum, without thinking about, why the person has behaved that way.

You should reply to her status.

"Stop attention-seeking and playing the victim. I have a one-bedroom flat and only enough room for 4 children whom I let my child choose. Absolutely pathetic."

Maybe leave out the pathetic part.... But it is fucking pathetic.

It's a shame the mother and daughter found out about the party. I thought it was standard practice to keep these things top secret to try and prevent hurt feelings.

Yanbu.

I wouldn't be able to resist the temptation to jump in and say something on facebook, as I hate people slagging me off in an unjustified way.

I would probably say: "I am not sure if you are referring to my dd's birthday get together? I am sorry that we could not invite your dd but we live in a tiny one bed and are only able to squeeze in 3 kids for a birthday play date. I wish we could invite all her friends, but it's just not possible. I know my dd loves playing with your dd. I really didn't mean to cause any upset. Let's definitely organise a playdate soon"

Lol, WalkingEverywhere, unfortunately children do talk about their parties to their friends at school. It's not possible to stop that from happening. Invitations can of course be handed out discretely though.

The other mum is completely nuts IMO. She's definitely doing her DD no favours.

Thinkingofausername You may have a point. It may be that this little girl is left out of everyones' parties. In that case I can understand the mother being upset. But the OP has not got room and she has offered a play date? Clearly the child and her mother are not being rejected if they are invited on a playdate.

I remember as a young adult my parents pressured me to never turn down any invite from a particular family friend, regardless of whether my own mental health would be affected or not. This girl had some emotional issues, and when she was unwell would rant and rave about her awful childhood where she was mistreated etc and this would trigger me as my childhood was actually very similar. My parents would get upset if I opted out of spending time with her, telling me how rejecting this lady would damage her somehow. I compromised by saying I would meet this lady when I felt stronger. My parents were not happy but my stance is that I was not rejecting the girl, just offering a compromise. I know this is a different scenario, RebelRogue but I think you should not let anyone guilt trip you. You hav ebeen kind to this girl and her mum, you just have not been able to give them what they want.

@WalkingEverywhere true, but DD is only (nearly) 6 and stupidly excited. She's been counting sleeps and making plans and everything.

Oh gosh. I remember when my DD was a baby and we were in a 1bed flat.

There was barely enough room for me and her let alone 3 extra playmates, never mind more!

Ignore her.

Write what AntiHop said.

It’s far politer than anything I had in mind, but still makes the point.

It’s find for DD to be excited about her party & to talk about it. She’s far too little to have to keep quiet in case it might upset someone who isn’t invited.

I’d ONLY be cross if she was taunting someone. In fact, I’d cancel the party if she was, but general excitement, she’s fine.

Crikey! So now a 6 year old can't be excited abut something in case another 6 year old gets upset.

When did parents stop managing the expectations of their children?

Let's all live in quiet misery shall we?

YANBU, OP.

Once the party's done, invite the other girl for a playdate. Make sure the girl knows she's been invited over to play (i.e. encourage your daughter to speak to her about it at school) and also ask mum. Then it is up to mum to decide if she wants to carry on being silly or just let the girls continue being friends as they were before she started making an U fuss.

Exactly, Curious

I do not understand this "whole class must be invited" thing these days. Nobody died from being told no.

There's no way I wouldn't have replied on fbk and said something like - I hope this isn't about DDs party because, as you know, we have reasons why we can sadly only have a very limited number of children invited and that it's nothing personal.

So, I’m trying to think about the opposite view - as PPs have suggested, maybe her little girl is struggling in ways that you are not aware of, maybe she thought that your DD was her bestie, who knows. If it were me I would try to be compassionate as mum and daughter both clearly have hurt feelings.
Would it really be impossible to squeeze the other little girl in? It would be gracious of you if you were able. A kind gesture goes a long way.

"I'll PM you hun"

This is not a friendship to be thrown away. It should be hurled with great force.

I hate this. We had it but the Mum didn't speak to me and just complained to other mums and obviously it got back to me. It was dtds party in year 2 and we had it in a small hall/church room (not village hall size). They had 10 friends between them,2 from outside of school and 4 each from their classes (3 girls and one boy each - their choice). The one not invited had never in 3 years of school invited dd to play or to her party but apparently dtd1 is good friends with her. Dtd1 never mentioned her and said she never plays with her, nothing against the dc just not close. We had 60 dc to choose from so clearly couldn't invite them all. I'm still not 100% sure which Mum / child it was kicking off. Totally bonkers.

I'd reply tell her to grow up.

It's doesn't stop either. DD just turned 12 and I'm allowing a sleepover of a maximum 5 friends. There is no room for more. 5 is a squeeze.
DD is popular and plays with almost all the girls in her class other than the ones she's banned from playing with (think shoplifting and terrorising the neighbourhoods. At 12. Really. )

Some of the girls in her class get on, some don't. One in particular has a habit of throwing a tantrum and storming out of DD plays with certain others. DD doesn't pander and dump friends for her. She makes plans to see her another time instead of she is with the approved friends.

That girl isn't one of the chosen sleepover 5. If she was it's likely she could storm out again as a few she doesn't get on with are invited. DD says it's not worth the fuss. She can stay over another day.

The girl and her folks aren't happy one bit. I've just said it's DD who chose and it's up to her.

Having an all class party minus one could be pretty mean, however, I also don't believe that any child should be forced to invite someone the don't like (their bully for example.) screw the mum. If she's getting on your nerves, perhaps a small factual reply on her post is in order.

If they're all in a friendship group and she is the only one you haven't invited. It is a bit lousy tbh. What room is one more child going to take up. The mother is going to feel like you've excluded her child.
However I can't believe she's lowering herself to ask you. Where is her pride. I do just look right through you in the play ground.

A friend had a very similar thing happen. We did judge the woman who demanded an invite. There are plenty of parties my dc with ASD doesn't get invited to but I don't go round demanding invitations!