To ask how to split the mental load?

[WhyamIBoredathome]

I've been wondering about this and would love to hear if anyone has a good solution.

I am a SAHM at the moment - two kids below school age. My OH works a full time job, gets up 6am, leaves house 7am. Gets home at 6pm to dinner on the table.

I do basically everything around the house even at weekends, but what I am struggling with is the mental load. I feel likr I carry the mental load for absolutely everything and it's really tiring. Anything that involves a bit of thought or planning falls to me.
I did all the ideas for xmas gifts and all the buying, including gifts from his family to our kids (they live abroad so they give us money and we buy stuff here).
I deal with house insurance, car insurance, organise MOT and services including for his car. I deal with all utilities, bills etc. I recently did my DS school application with no input from him whatsoever.

I check dates and prices and book flights to see HIS parents. I researched and booked our summer holiday last year.
Basically, if I don't think about it, it just doesn't get done. He will do stuff if I nag ask but then I still had to remember that the thing needed doing.

Can anyone advise what a fair way is to split mental load?
And how you get OH take some of it on without just worrying that it won't get done?

I'm going to be very honest with you, I work FT and have to do all of what you listed above in addition to holding down a job. It is stressful and I find making lists and prioritising what needs done asap.

Things like insurance are generally only sorted once a year. Holidays are a luxury and Christmas gifts can be planned months in advance.

Also your username kinda suggests something completely different from your post

Being bored doesn't mean that you're not busy...

I have all the mental load too.

My OH actually struggles with all that stuff.

TBH I like the control. I make all the big decisions. We have joint money.
I could if I wanted go out and buy myself a new car tomorrow and he would not question it.

It's me that decides if and where we go on holiday, and how much to spend.

I like the fact that I get my own way!

Get a calendar - put everything on that needs to be remembered - review it on a set day each week and divvy up the jobs - do those allocated to you.
And stop calling it "mental load" - it makes you feel bogged down before you've even remembered a task needing doing, and it's only what everyone has been doing for years. Single people have to do everything, and single parents have everything including all the stuff that having kids entails. You have a partner so communicate & share.

I called it mental load to differentiate from physical jobs eg housework.

Perhaps I should add that I also worked full time until DC2 was born and I still did all the thinking /organising etc even though DH and worked the same hours in the same job. I will likely be returning to full time work sometime in the next year and I'd like to find a way to not having to be the organiser of everything.

I didn't realise usernames had to be related to post content, guess I've been doing it wrong

The easiest way to share the mental load is to take a step back, which in practice isn't easy at all. I used to be the family organiser and while I still do the bulk of it because I'm home all day, I no longer do all of it. I started off with saying things like "it's your dad's birthday soon" or "you're almost out of " or "the gardener is coming on Wednesday" and then leaving it at that and if his dad didn't have a gift or his prescription item wasn't there or he had no cash with which to pay the gardener then tough. He very quickly learned to check the calendar and email the prescription request to the GP surgery and downloaded the banking app so he could pay the gardener by bank transfer (a banking app for our joint account that I had somehow ended up being in sole charge of). We did have some minor arguments over it during which I pointed out that I am not his mother or his secretary. I also went out a fair bit, leaving him in sole charge of the DC and with no instructions about what the feed them, when to feed them it, or any indication of what they should wear and what activities he should use to occupy them.

He very quickly stepped up.

Stop doing things for your OH. He'll have to step up then.

Give him Complete responsibility for some things and then stay completely out of it. Booking the flights to his parents for example, his job, don't get involved.

I don't do anything relating to his family, unless there is a good reason why he can't do it, or I'm going to the shop anyway and can pick up a card or box of chocolates, etc. (with the caveat that he can't complain about what I do get)

Stop doing things for him. It’s the only way. I suggest you say there might not be any holidays this year as I always do all the planning and I’m worn out. I make my dh pull his weight. Last year I said no holidays if he didn’t organise them, if they were half organised I would cancel them rather than take over so they happened and if I organised it he wasn’t coming. I’ve done all of our holidays for years and years with no thanks and talking to him about it wasn’t working, so I picked the year we had to go to his friends wedding and on holiday with his parents. I’d have felt zero guilt about cancelling, he’s perfectly capable but couldn’t be arsed as thought it was my job. This year he has booked a weekend away, a short trip to Bruges, a trip with his parents when they visit and was looking up summer holiday options last night . People who work full time still need to make life work.

I’d just stop doing things.

I’ve only one DD and I’m refusing to do the bulk of the wife work just because. Nursery emailed me about dress up days - I forwarded it on to DH and told him to pick the days he’ll be organizing. Simples

arethereanyleft the problem is if I don't book flights (or nag him non stop to do so) the week they are released they get very expensive very quickly because they are a ski route flown by one carrier only one only one day a week. (eg if I book on release I can get flights at 35 per seat plus baggage, he faffs and does nothing until seats are £150 Pp each way plus baggage and that's a lot of extra money)

Assign some jobs in there Entirety to him.

I would suggest - all gift buying and card sending for his friends and family (agree a budget) step back and let him forget if need be.

Sorting out visiting his family.

Meal planning and food shopping ( either of you could cook).

Let him sink or swim and do not step in - be very open or honest with this up front.

When you return to work I suggest you add in laundry from dirty to being put away.

Erm... not sure why you are being advised to "just stop doing stuff for him/give him stuff to do"

Why not "just" sit down and talk to him rather than continuing to be a martyr or choosing to be annoyed or to infantilise him? Which seem to be the choices you are being offered!

Set aside an hour or so and discuss it all, sort out a better spread of the stuff needs scheduling, remembering etc.

I'm not seeing an issue tbh. Christmas gift buying is for a set period, mot and insurance only needs doing once a year for each car. Bills can be put onto direct debit it if really causes you an issue making time for them.

DH didn't help with the school application either, it's a form and took about ten minutes and didn't need two adults.

Given you don't work, thee tasks can hardly be onerous.

I work full-time and also have the entire mental load for our household. DH has dyscalculia so really struggles with any thing financial, even comparing costs of things. He comes from a family where birthdays weren't important, so isn't accustomed to remembering those. And he doesn't have the patience to handle social workers, council, school.

What he does though is keep the house clean, the garden immaculate, the DIY is always done, he ensures I have a hot meal to come home to every day. He is the perfect housewife and handyman rolled into one.

So life is a balance. I have the mental load, he has the physical load.

eggysmom that sounds nice and quite a fair split. Unfortunately I end up with the mental and the physical, hence why I'm looking to change stuff.

yellow I'm not talking about just the form, I'm talking about visiting 6 schools alone, researching catchment areas, spending considerable time working out which schools DS actually stands a chance of getting into. Our house falls into an awkward black hole between school catchment areas and therefore it is not an easy or obvious decision for us. DH never expressed any interest or opinion on the matter despite me attempting to discuss with him.

curious I did discuss with him about 3 months ago. He said he understood and would make an effort. His version of effort has involved transferring the odd load of wet laundry into tumble drier (but then leaving it sitting in drier in a creased heap)
Or removing laundry from clotheshorse
To upstairs (but not putting it away.)

This is why I need a more concrete way of splitting it.

I think you just need to sit down and split the jobs, and then yes you have to take a step back and not interfere even if that means some stuff doesn’t get done or doesn’t go to plan.

E.g. here DH takes care of all the mortgages and bills including researching best deals etc. We’ll talk about it so he’ll come say this is the best deal, these are the numbers, but I don’t have to do any of the leg work. Likewise I take care of the car, DIY, major house purchases. Much easier to know what your responsible for and get on with it - I.e. assume the mental and physical load for the same jobs - otherwise you’ll always be nagging or frustrated.

I am speaking from a similar position but like the pp above I'm going to be honest.

A lot of the mental load is what you make it and once I wasn't at home on maternity leave a lot of the deliberation and faff went out of it.

Eg your description of researching primaries. I'd do a lot of that legwork but that's because I feel it has value. Many people go to the local school without a second thought. It's a matter of your value judgements.

Re the price for a skiiing holiday, that would come under fun activities for me. Yes, even booking it.

Yes, you can stop doing stuff that's all to do with him and watch him crash and burn, and that will set the tone and maybe the length of your relationship, or you could accept that you have a bit more headspace than it sounds like he does at this point in your life, and work as a team until the sah days are done.

Re the flights, if you can afford that, id still let him do it.
Find the things you care about the least to give to him to do.
Eg my dh is in charge of the garage, I rarely go in there, and it doesn't make a massive difference to my life if it's a shit tip; so that's his job.

barbie we have never been skiing. The flights are to visit HIS family who happen to live near a ski destination, therefore the flights are popular (and thus expensive) as most people getting them are going skiing.

Grow up! I work full time with a child and do everything you say you have to do plus my husband works away so I’m by myself with DD the vast majority of the time. You think your husband who works full time should also do all of this?

I agree Pepper. If I had a none working spouse to financially support I'd be very to be told they couldn't cope with sorting bills and birthday gifts so thought I should do that on top of working when they were home all day every day.