To ask how to split the mental load?

[WhyamIBoredathome]

I've been wondering about this and would love to hear if anyone has a good solution.

I am a SAHM at the moment - two kids below school age. My OH works a full time job, gets up 6am, leaves house 7am. Gets home at 6pm to dinner on the table.

I do basically everything around the house even at weekends, but what I am struggling with is the mental load. I feel likr I carry the mental load for absolutely everything and it's really tiring. Anything that involves a bit of thought or planning falls to me.
I did all the ideas for xmas gifts and all the buying, including gifts from his family to our kids (they live abroad so they give us money and we buy stuff here).
I deal with house insurance, car insurance, organise MOT and services including for his car. I deal with all utilities, bills etc. I recently did my DS school application with no input from him whatsoever.

I check dates and prices and book flights to see HIS parents. I researched and booked our summer holiday last year.
Basically, if I don't think about it, it just doesn't get done. He will do stuff if I nag ask but then I still had to remember that the thing needed doing.

Can anyone advise what a fair way is to split mental load?
And how you get OH take some of it on without just worrying that it won't get done?

I'm not disagreeing that things are unequal, however I think you should take a step back and have a long hard look at everything you do and decide whether it is really essential or something that you would like to happen. Much easier to get DH to take things on if he can see the value in it. For example, if you book flights to see his parents at the same time every year, then this really is as simple as writing it on the calendar and booking the flights (either your or DH) when the date comes round. No real great mental load involved!

Also re schools - you've made it sounds a huge job, but actually as a SAHM (presumably) living in the area, this really boils down to reading the admissions information, talking to other parents and visiting the schools of interest - and as school visits are generally during the day when presumably DH works, I can understand why he wouldn't want to take some time out to view so many - does he really have no opinion, or just feel you will disregard his opinion, so no point getting involved?

When my husband was working hours like this I used to take it all on however when I became overwhelmed I discussed it with him & delegated some tasks primarily anything to do with his family, birthdays etc.

I asked him last year, after seventeen years together, the date of my parents Birthdays & he had no idea! A wake up call for me so I decided to let him take responsibility for his family. Small steps & all that 😉

We both work full time so a bit different. But I have given DH several set tasks he is responsible for in their entirety. If they haven't been done I just grit my teeth and ignore it. It's annoying but I'm getting used to it and he's learning that I won't pick up the slack for those tasks. Since we've started doing this he helps more with other stuff as I think he's got more into the right mindset!

To those who say they do everything the OP does, plus work FT, I'm very curious what job they do that also allows them to look after two young children FT ??

I do feel like you should do the bulk of this stuff given that you're at home. I'm a SAHM, my husband works 6 days most weeks 6am - 7pm. If I left things to him then they wouldn't be done as he simply doesn't have as much time as I do. However if you're genuinely struggling then you need to talk to your husband. Sit down, divide up the tasks. Let him be in charge of seeing his own parents etc and if he doesn't do it well then that's just tough.

I really would expect 90% of running the house and Family to fall to the non working parent to be honest.

@yogaginrepeat they are not saying they are looking after their DC FT, they are saying they are doing all the mental load activities the OP describes on top of their FT jobs. OP is not complaining about looking after DC, the issue is the mental load.

Anyway, I would agree with PPs that it doesn't sound like a huge deal to be doing that when you are at home. However, perhaps there is deeper lying resentment there OP, perhaps your DHs attitude sucks and you feel taken for granted?

Things like school application only come round every few years and utilities could just be put on direct debit to make things easier then you only need to check tarrifs once in a while. Likewise MOT's are once a year but I would have thought he could do that himself and take a holiday day ??
Childcare and housework should be shared when he's home, that's only fair.

SAHM here but my children are both under 6. I have always done all the "mental load" because I know DH would just get things wrong.. so I prefer being in charge of it all!

I plan everything because I know where to look for good deals. I stress every birthday and Christmas when DH buys my presents because he won't look around. I buy for everyone else and I like to shop about for the best prices - he sticks to Amazon and will buy whatever he thinks I'll like at whatever price (he is very good at the stuff he buys though).

So currently... I do all housework, homework, school planning, shopping, bills, planning trips etc.
The only things DH has to worry about is getting up for work and sorting the internet (he's a gamer so I let him sort that as he knows what he needs)! They are his only jobs!

@PippiLongstromp - yes, but surely looking after two pre-school age children is a FT job (it would be if she was being paid to look after someone else's children), in which case I have no idea what their point is?

@yogaginrepeat actually yeah fair point, they are both under school age - that is as hard and all consuming as any FT job. OP I take it back, it is unfair and you should talk to your DH about it. What's stopping you?

I dunno Yoga. I have a lot more time to pop onto the computer and get things sorted when I'm at home with the kids than I do when I'm in the classroom. I think the reason that it's not quite exactly the same is that there's no line manager to discipline you if you pop on a bit of paw patrol and get on with a few jobs as a SAHP. The equivalent of being at work isn't being a SAHP it's being a FT nanny to someone else's children and meeting their expectations about how you spend your time.

Ok. Some really uncalled for replies here. Ok has two preschool aged kids. So yes she should do her share of the mental load. But her dh should do his share.

I'd love to get home at 6pm to dinner on the table (lone parent).

I think looking after kids is a job. I’ve done one mat leave and I’m about to start a second. I was a sleep deprived mess, and if I got a quiet time I’d sleep not do housework. The idea that I should have been looking after the baby 24 hours a day and also doing all the cleaning, cooking and life admin (which we find fairly onerous) while dh swanned in and sat down for dinner is ludicrous. In reality dh turned up and generally cooked dinner while I did the looooong evening feed.

We have a whiteboard. 5 sections.

1. a list of things we need to do every week, with boxes to tick off
2. af ho.

We have a whiteboard. 5 sections.

1. a list of things we need to do every week, with boxes to tick off
2. ad hoc tasks to be carried out that week
3. ad hoc tasks to be carried out longer term
4. meal plan for week (we batch cook, so meals need to be taken out the night before to be defrosted)
5. list of things to be picked up from shops

I found life admin a nightmare when on Mat leave. Much easier that I’m back at work and can take 10mins from lunch break to make a call without a screaming baby

Guess it depends on your job.

We’ve both always worked ft (me six months maternity after DT’s were born). Over the years we’ve developed a system of dividing up tasks. DH did the nursery and school drop offs, I collected. He cooked and sorted the online shopping order. I did laundry and arranged to pay the cleaner. Bills were all on standing order/direct debits. DH sorted out presents for his side of the family and did the arrangements to see them (involved flights ). I looked after my side of the family. Christmas shopping and most of clothes shopping/ household purchases were done online.