To ask how to split the mental load?

[WhyamIBoredathome]

I've been wondering about this and would love to hear if anyone has a good solution.

I am a SAHM at the moment - two kids below school age. My OH works a full time job, gets up 6am, leaves house 7am. Gets home at 6pm to dinner on the table.

I do basically everything around the house even at weekends, but what I am struggling with is the mental load. I feel likr I carry the mental load for absolutely everything and it's really tiring. Anything that involves a bit of thought or planning falls to me.
I did all the ideas for xmas gifts and all the buying, including gifts from his family to our kids (they live abroad so they give us money and we buy stuff here).
I deal with house insurance, car insurance, organise MOT and services including for his car. I deal with all utilities, bills etc. I recently did my DS school application with no input from him whatsoever.

I check dates and prices and book flights to see HIS parents. I researched and booked our summer holiday last year.
Basically, if I don't think about it, it just doesn't get done. He will do stuff if I nag ask but then I still had to remember that the thing needed doing.

Can anyone advise what a fair way is to split mental load?
And how you get OH take some of it on without just worrying that it won't get done?

I think if he is working FT and you are home then I would suggest that it’s fair that you pick up the bulk of this load.
Both DH and I work FT and I still end up doing all of the things that you said.
I don’t like it, it frustrates me and we argue about it a lot. But if I don’t do it, he won’t and it’s the kids that suffer, and me.
DH has never booked a single holiday in all our time together and to be honest I don’t think I’d trust him to either.

I have (and regularly complain about) the same thing.

When I'm feeling more reasonable, I do understand that, at least in part, it's because I'm a control freak. Yes, if I didn't think about and book a holiday we wouldn't have one, but DH would be quite happy not to have one. The same with all the things I "have" to do for DCs schools. I think they need doing so I we don;t get judged, DH couldn't care less if we are and generally feels DC will work out fine with a far lighter touch parenting than I am comfortable with, and who's to say he's wrong.

If I stopped doing all the thinking, the world wouldn't end, but it wouldn't be the way I want it.

I don't understand the flights to visit his family, unless it's more important to you than to him, that you go, why do you do it? We hardly see DH's family, but that's because I regularly contact my parents to make arrangements and I don't bother for DH's.

It depends how you honestly feel about it. I agree that the ‘mental load’ stuff can be tiring, but it feels like over the last couple of years people are making more of a thing of it when they previously may have been happy with the set up. We are similar to you. Husband works full time over four days and does one full day childcare. I work 2.5 Days over 2 Days and do 2 full days childcare. Children in Nursery one additional day. I do everything, bills, holidays, organisation for us both. It works fine for us as I am more organised. If I am unhappy about it or running out of time I tell him so he can sort it out instead- for example, this year I didn’t want to do his family’s presents so I made it clear in October that he needed to sort them. I do things for him such as organise his prescription and GP appointment as it is just easier than him ending up stressed when he runs out of meds. I find it more stressful if I overthink it and try to search for an inequality which isn’t really there/that significant. We both work hard and are both tired, we just try to help each other out where we can I suppose. I do sometimes feel like it’s all on me but try to communicate this to him so he is aware.

Same as Pepper. I work ft, 2 kids and my husband travels for for 70% of the time. We have 2 vacation rentals to manage in addition to my ft work. My dh is very successful because he can focus 100% on his career and work long hours, coming home to spend time with us and not be distracted by all the other stuff. I love being organized and in control so am happy to take care of it all.

If you don't like it, change it.

I think tasks expand to fit the time available and agree with pp that if you were working the mental load would automatically reduce.

You'd no longer devote your time to faffing over wherever you leave at Tuesday at 7am for a cheaper flight but more expensive parking (for example) v leaving late on Tuesday for a more expensive flight but take the train and "oh god! How do we manage that" because you simply wouldn't have time.

Flight available, cost affordable booked and paid for in ten mins even if cost is £30 more

Another one to say that I do the majority of this and work full time as a teacher which has it's own mental load. Pick the things which you cannot rely on him to do... I.e. the flights, and leave some things to him which are important but not as important.

Perhaps make a joint calendar and ensure he sticks to his tasks. Some people need a deadline to work to.

Bring at home all day with kids is hard. It's Sunday and my house is a bomb site. I've not managed to do anything so I do understand. But I'll be doing a lot once my DD is in bed.

I would stop doing the stuff that doesn't directly involve you. Like you said you sort out stuff for his car, do you use the car? If it is just him, leave it for him. Just because he is working doesn't mean he doesn't have to do anything at all. If he lived alone and worked he'd still have to find a way to cope with this stuff. You've already spoken to him and things haven't changed so I think your options are to continue doing it all and grow to resent him, or to take a step back and see what happens.

Pepper - so this person should do all the wife work? Cos wife work is what it is.

I wouldn’t put up with it for a second. My DH understands this - regardless of my employment state

so this person should do all the wife work?

Why is it ok for him to have no choice not to work as he has to support the non working adult yet it's not ok for the other to have to do some home admin which takes minutes out of each day?

Surely if the worker should share that load, the non worker should pick up their lack of sharing the financial load. Fairs fair.

Have to do it all here too.
Single parent to a dd with Sen who has as a minimum 3 appointments a week.
I work part time and make a lot of lists.
It's just life at the end of the day.

Get a cleaner. It'll leave you more time and energy to do admin stuff and try to get him to help out more at the weekend

I think this is reasonable while you are not working. Once you are just talk to him and share the load. Don't keep checking up on him, let him take the consequences if he forgets. Give him things like buying presents for his own family. This is what DH does for me though he does also nag a fair bit. I'm usually quite a scatterbrain but I've got it together now we've got a baby because I make it a priority and I know DH won't do it.

I think Pepper's DH works away for extended periods. Even I'd be a bit at having to sort the day to day stuff from another country.

it's just life is what it is yes agree with this and although there is a point at which you're enabling someone else to be lazy I'm not sue the OP has reached this point.

It should fair to make a list of what jobs will be his when you go back to work. There’s no reason why you can’t take turns booking family
Holiday, if it costs more how year then up to him.

His car his family events up to him. Also share rest of kids stuff. Maybe he does all Dentist appointments and you do all the doctors? You do all kids party invites and gifts and he does all the school dressing up and other “bring” things.

I'm a SAHM to 5dc. I home ed 3 of them. DH works 6 days a week. Out of the house 7-7.

I do almost everything at home for me and the kids. All of our bills are direct debit and don't require more than 5 minutes attention, once a month, if that.

The car is mine so I sort that.

I sort holidays but that means I choose where/what we do.

I arrange and attend all appointments. Dentist, doctor, opticians etc.

He's only been to one parent/teacher meeting in 15 years. He's either working or looking after the other dc.

He has never done a night feed but has dealt with all bedwetting or vomiting incidents.

He does do his fair share with the dc when he his home. Baths, clear up after dinner, gets them ready if we're going somewhere.

Things I don't do...

Book appointments for DH or remind him when they are due.
Buy presents or cards for his family.
Put his laundry away.
Pack his bag for holiday.
Buy his clothing.
Tidy his mess.

He will help with anything I ask without complaint. So he will cut the grass or put things in the loft etc. He also has the children so that I have time for myself when I want it. I get to sleep in or go out whenever I fancy it.

I'm happy to have the 'mental load' for me, the kids and our home but I won't take on his personal stuff. Seems fair enough to me considering how little time he has to himself.

It suits us both. I like to have full control at home and he likes to be able to work without distraction.

@YellowMakesMeSmile my DH has a choice to work. If he doesn’t want to that’s fine, I’d work.

It’s not that difficult to arrange stuff from other end of the country, I’m sure many working parents have to do it all the time - Mums and dads alike.

Stop doing things for your OH. He'll have to step up then.

That wouldn't work for us.

No one would ever visit the dentist, now one would have eye exams, debt collectors would be at the door.

I am at home all day so much easier for me to sort out lots of things- phoning the bank, organising finances, workmen to call etc.

My OH is genuinely crap at all these things.

Crikey some of the responses on here are unbelievable! She is a SAHP to look after the children not to be his PA and carer. There are 2 adults in the relationship whom should be looking after the family affairs.

Op write everything down that needs doing and sit down and discuss with DH who will look after what. And then leave him to it. Don't interfere, don't micro manage just let him sort it.

If you were staying at home full time for foreseeable future, OP, I'd suggest sharing the things that eat into your weekend, so the two of you have equal leisure time, and aside from that concentrating on where he needs to take a part in things, so that if (God forbid) anything happened to you, he would be able to take over the reins with kids, finances etc... their wives having previously handled everything important is why so many widowers then can't cope, in my experience.

But since you're returning to work, obviously you need better solutions. I suggest you work out how many hours everything takes at present, plus how much of it could be outsourced, if as a couple you'd be able to afford that. Then work out who does what according to time available and who has an opinion on how well it's done - my DH does most of the laundry, for example, because he's fussy. He organises and communicates with our cleaner, and I do food shopping and cook, for the same reason. we split the paperwork roughly down the middle - actually I have more admin to do, but I have more children than him; he has taken on substantially more than when he was single, because otherwise I'm busy every evening and too tired for sex.

Just don’t be ever decide on a house extension. I ended up doing everything from sorting the mortgage appointment, finding the guy who did the plans, to the planning dept paperwork, to finding the builders, the kitchen planner, every bloody thing. It wouldn’t have got done otherwise, I had been waiting for DH to sort it for years and one day I just snapped and thought “fuck this, it just needs doing or it won’t ever get done.” I worked slightly less hours at the time but it was still hard trying to do all the extra.

DH is just rubbish at organising stuff. He just doesn’t do it what’s needed. He’s not lazy but he puts things off/never gets round to doing stuff. Eg. DS2 never did get taken to the promised Saturday morning football sessions.....I felt guilty but no way was I going to do that as I had already organised swimming lessons and martial arts classs.

He would not be good at booking holidays. He can’t see why I spend so long looking. He would just book the first thing and think “that’ll do”. I’m fussier (in a normal average kind of way).

One thing that I HAVE insisted on him doing is presents for his family. As soon as I went back to work I stopped. at first he forgot stuff/was late, and even now they don’t always get there on time but that’s his fault as he doesn’t plan ahead in time.

I would start with one or two things and insist on it.

Grow up! I work full time with a child and do everything you say you have to do plus my husband works away so I’m by myself with DD the vast majority of the time. You think your husband who works full time should also do all of this?

Her DH works full time with a child too. Why can’t he do some of this? Women who work outside the home in paid employment don’t expect their childminders to sort out holidays, birthdays and insurance. So why the automatic assumption that a sahm should?

Sit down and make a list of the things that need to be done, then assign certain things that DH is good at and likes/doesn't mind doing to him 100% so that he takes care of them entirely. It may, especially at first, be less than what you do, but it's something and you can then re-jig the responsibilities in the future.

I completely understand OP - it's very tiring. I've had some success with an app called Wunderlist. You can have shared lists that both you and your husband can access and you can assign certain tasks and set up automatic reminders. It won't totally solve the problem because someone (probably you, let's be honest) will have to add things to the list in the first place, but at least once they're on there your OH will be getting reminders etc without you having to do it.

Ignore the people saying he doesn't have to help at all because he works. That isn't a fair division of labour. You do the housework and look after children - it's not reasonable for you to also bear the entire mental load of your household on top of that.

otters- we have fallen into "traditional roles too.

*I do:

All house stuff like cooking cleaning laundry
All holiday booking
90% present organising
All food shopping
All bills, mortgage, insurances, utilities
Pet dirty work
All car related stuff

He does:

All cooking and shopping at weekends.
Non cosmetic garden dirty work*

My OH has no idea who the kids' dentist is or who provides our electricity. He doesn't even know where our savings are.