Less of an AIBU and more of a what have I done wrong.

[Shootfirstaskquestionslater]

I have posted on here before about my mum well now things have got worse she is now not speaking to me I haven't heard off her since new years eve and I've only seen her twice since Christmas I know she sees and speaks to my sister because she looks after my 4 year old niece for my sister but I seem to be getting ignored unless they want something and I can't understand what it is that I've done wrong. My sister said she is doing the same thing to her but I doubt I even get ignored on FB. It took me 2 days of asking just to get my parcels off her because she had a never ending supply of excuses at the ready as to why she couldn't bring them through even though it was her idea for me to get all my stuff delivered to her because where I live I struggle to get my post. The final straw was on Friday I phoned her up to ask her if she could pick me up from the shop because I had bought more than I was able to carry home and I got told that I would have to just wait at the shop for her in the freezing cold and the dark because she had her neighbourgh round and she was having a drink I was stood there for an hour and in the end my boyfriend's family came and picked me up I never ask her for help and the only time they bother with me is when they need something. It's just really upsetting me because I really can't understand why she's being so off with me and treating me like I just don't exist or matter.

Sorry that was a long one and a bit of ramble.

Clarazabel thank you for your kind words I will try that. That's what my boyfriend's family are trying to do build up my confidence bit by bit so that I can do things for myself and feel proud of what I can achieve its just hard to know where to start. Xx

Shootfirst, you have mentioned a few times that you only hear from your family when they want something from you, or they need your help.

You have not mentioned what you do for them. What is it that you do for them.

It's really difficult to work out who is BU and who isn't from your posts.

YABU to expect your mum to drop what she's doing to pick you up with your shopping tbh, but it's when we're desperate that we turn to our families, I suppose.

Are you getting additional benefits because of your learning disabilities? Something isn't ringing true for me regarding your finances. Unless you're in central London, a maisonette should be affordable, & if you're getting benefits on top, & working.....

Do you trust your mother being so heavily involved with your finances?

Arsenalsplayingathome I lend them money when they need it which is most of the time and I was helping my parents out when my dad came home from hospital after an operation last year I drop things to help them out my mum also takes me out to pick things up for her that she's bought off Facebook I also go and help her with her shopping. No all I get is PIP and housing benefit which covers all but £45 of my rent. I'm not working at the minute I'm off sick have been for the last 7 months.

Have you got someone to talk to to help sort out all your feelings? Because right now it seems like you are feeling lots of things that contradict each other.

• you never ask for help / you expected her to drop everything and pick you up from the shops
• she is too controlling / she is ignoring you
• you organise doctors appointments and pay for them / she shows up and talks through (why even tell her about them)

Maybe talking to someone would help you work out what is real and what is about how you feel, and maybe to set up a plan to discuss with your DM about where you need her help, would like her help, or just want some space.

Does your mum work, Shootfirst?

I'm just wondering if she feels frazzled herself and feels like she doesn't have time to relax?

I'd stop lending them money if you still are, or maybe this was only when you were working. Do you know what triggered your anxiety & depression to levels which mean you are off sick? If you can pinpoint what made it worse, you might be able to get some advice on here to overcome it?

I know that sometimes it can just descend on people like a black cloud, though, without rhyme or reason.

Maybe start by writing an email or letter to the local sorting office manager. The person delivering to you is doing a job and that job is to get the parcel to the right place at the right time. It's a small battle but one that is important to you and can be tackled from the comfort of your home and cats!

Have you tried asking your mum why she is behaving differently with you?

Brushing everything else aside, maybe you could try walking to the end of your street and back once or twice a day? And then gradually increasing this as the days go by.

The trouble with not leaving the house, and being at home all day, is that things fester and grow till they seem much bigger problems than they otherwise would be. Things must be going round and round in your mind all day, with absolutely nothing to distract you from what's upsetting you.

How far from the shops do you live? I think you said you live within walking distance?

Maybe as you get more confidence, you could aim to go to the shops everyday and buy just one thing, rather than buy in bulk. That way, things won't be too heavy, and it won't be as stressful, because you could literally be in there for a short time.

I think it would help you to set small achievable targets and aim to conquer them. The interaction with other people, and the change of scenery will help. There is nothing more depressing than being cooped in and looking at the same four walls for weeks on end.

Good luck, OP, I'm sure you can do this.

Runningoutofusernames I talk to my boyfriend and his family. I don't ask her for help with anything it was just that one time I asked because I'm forever doing things for everyone else. She is way too controlling when it comes to me and my life and what I'm allowed to do and not do but it would still be nice to feel like I'm still part of the family and speak to her for something other than she wants to ask me to do something for her or she has to fill me on what my sister is doing. She always asks when I have a doctor's appoiment and insists on going with me and then talking for me so the doctors have no clue what is really going on with me because it's all her version of things.

I don’t think you can expect your family to help you. If you need support with various aspects of daily living then speak to the council and see if you qualify for some kind of social care support.

Your posts do contradict each other. You help your mum with her shopping but you struggle with doing your own? You say you drop things to help them out but you also say you never go out.

Get your parcels delivered to your home address. The postman WILL find it. Shop online. The delivery driver WILL find you. Keep using public transport....short journeys at quiet times first building up to longer journeys at busier times....eventually the anxiety will lessen. Think about how YOU can get your life back on track YOURSELF rather than expecting other people to help you. People will run out of steam and patience so the best thing you can do is to learn to do things for yourself. It will help boost your confidence and independence. Relying on other people does the opposite.

And see he doctor by yourself!

See a dr please without your mum and talk to them you are overreacting

I think you need to concentrate on your anxiety and depression then you will be better able to function independently and have a relationship with your mother where you are less reliant on her support.

I lend them money when they need it which is most of the time and I was helping my parents out when my dad came home from hospital after an operation last year

This is ringing a bell. You lived at home and were posting on advice of how to leave and saying that your mother was abusive. Yes?

She was expecting you to so all the cleaning, and using you as a taxi service. You had a car then.

ArsnelsPlayingAtHome what triggered it all was losing my nan on new years day last year I still haven't dealt with that properly and my way of coping was to increase my hours at work and I ended up being in work more than I was at home no one ever saw me and then my house of cards come tumbling down when I had a nervous breakdown and couldn't cope any more which is when my mum swooped in and took control of everything. I will stop lending them money.

clarazabel thank you I will do that because it drives me potty that I don't get my post i'm not that hard to find the postman is just too lazy to walk the few extra steps round the back to me.

ArsnelsPlayingAtHome thank you I will try and do that because sitting here completely on my own with no one to talk to and only my cats and the tv for company small things like not hearing off my mum turn in to bigger problems and I get more upset by everything. The shop is a 10 minute walk from my house and I struggle to even manage that on a bad day on my own. But I will try my hardest to get myself out and do short walks it might make me feel a bit better I go stare crazy just sitting in the house all day every day it's like groundhog day. Thank you for your kind words and help .

YABVU. You want to distance yourself from your DM but get annoyed when she doesn't drop everything to come and pick you up? You cant have it both ways.

Well done for making it to the shops. But you really do need to plan better, surely you knew you wouldn't be able to carry so much back so why buy it? You should either bought less or retired a few things and got a taxi.

You also need to speak to royal mail and sort out your post issue. It isn't hard. Also from my experience, if a delivery driver can't find you, they call you to ask where you live.

IMO you're full of excuses and need to take responsibility for yourself. You need to stop saying your DM isn't having anything to do with you when she has spoken to you. There's a difference between a DM who wants nothing to with their adult child and one whose life doesn't revolve around their adult child.

AstridWhite no I can't drive.

MudCity I will try and speak to them and see what they say. My mum will pick me up and take me to sort out things for her like helping her with shopping or picking up things that she's bought. I will start getting things sent to me it's really not hard to find me and I will look in to online shopping. I will try and get back to using public transport I will try when it's quiet and not too over crowded I don't even like people sitting near me and I will start seeing the doctor on my own.

allthegoodusernameshavegone Thank you I know I need help with my depression and anxiety because it's ruling my life hopefully I will get a better relationship with my mum when I'm better.

OP maybe ask someone to look into brain in hand with you braininhand.co.uk It was designed for people with your sorts of additional needs and the people I have spoken to who use it seem to find it really helpful - especially in reducing anxiety while trying to get through busy days.

Good luck -

your mum was with a friend so even though she could drive as it was coffee not alcohol why should she ditch her friend to pick you up?
You should have checked a lift was available before buying the cat stuff or made 2 trips.

If someone accepts your parcels and then you need them dropped off I would ask them nicely then wait at least 3 days before mentioning it again because they are doing me a favour. 2 days is not a long time for this to be discussed more than once.

I would stop relying on your mum as you should br more independant. Keep up a relationship with her though. Invite her over for a coffee and a chat at her convenience not for a lift or to drop parcels.

I’m afraid you’re an adult and can’t get un a huff about your mother not dropping everything to come and pick you up immediately. Having to wait a couple of days for her to bring your parcels round is nothing, why can’t your boyfriend collect them? If you have been behaving like this for a while your mum is probably sick to death of it and desperate for you to get better hence coming to dr appointments. How old is your mum? You should be relying on bf not parents unless you are both 12

If you phone someone up for a spontaneous lift home and they have a friend round for a coffee it would be VERY unreasonable of you to expect them to boot the friend out just you come pick you up.

I can't understand how you can't see this?

Your mum has a life too and it is not reasonable to expect her to change her plans at a moments notice to help you bring your shopping home or ensure you get your deliveries promptly.

You say contact has been limited since Christmas - that's only 3 weeks ago! i haven't seen my adult DD since New Years Eve - because she is busy. There is no rift. That's just how it is when children grow up and move on.

You seem to expect your mum's life to revolve around you the way it did when you were a child. That would be smothering and unhealthy for both of you. Pull up your big girl pants and take some responsibility for yourself. And maybe do something nice for your mum?

OP you mention your boyfriend's family frequently but there is no mention of the boyfriend himself. Does he not spend time with you?

I feel for you hun. I suffer from anxiety, not as bad as you, but I know how it sucks.
I agree you need to try and take control back from your mum, start with your doctors appointments, don't tell your mum about your next appointment and if she asks lie about it, say I had one on this date but they cancelled it I need to reschedule or something similar and talk to talk to your doctor on your own and tell him what is going on. I agree with trying to get back on public transport, but I would try and take control of your doctors appointments first and try to walk to the shop once a week, make it a routine, then once you are out and comfortable doing that again start doing short trips on the bus at a time it is quiet. In regards to your relationship with your mum, she might be having a hard time accepting that you are an adult now and don't need her and someone may have said the same to her as they have with you, back off a bit. Things with your mum maybe as bad as you think, but it could be the depression and anxiety making everything seem worse than it is, you want know fully until you sort your head out and can make a true assessment.
Good luck hun, you can do this with or without your mum.