Less of an AIBU and more of a what have I done wrong.

[Shootfirstaskquestionslater]

I have posted on here before about my mum well now things have got worse she is now not speaking to me I haven't heard off her since new years eve and I've only seen her twice since Christmas I know she sees and speaks to my sister because she looks after my 4 year old niece for my sister but I seem to be getting ignored unless they want something and I can't understand what it is that I've done wrong. My sister said she is doing the same thing to her but I doubt I even get ignored on FB. It took me 2 days of asking just to get my parcels off her because she had a never ending supply of excuses at the ready as to why she couldn't bring them through even though it was her idea for me to get all my stuff delivered to her because where I live I struggle to get my post. The final straw was on Friday I phoned her up to ask her if she could pick me up from the shop because I had bought more than I was able to carry home and I got told that I would have to just wait at the shop for her in the freezing cold and the dark because she had her neighbourgh round and she was having a drink I was stood there for an hour and in the end my boyfriend's family came and picked me up I never ask her for help and the only time they bother with me is when they need something. It's just really upsetting me because I really can't understand why she's being so off with me and treating me like I just don't exist or matter.

Sorry that was a long one and a bit of ramble.

My mum does her own version of help my mum took what a doctor told her when I was a child as gossepl.

Well as parents we do tend to do that. If you were being investigated for some condition, mental or physical then doctor's opinions and test results are usually to be respected and accepted in most cases.

Your Mother is now doing what your boyfriends parents thinks she should have done previously - she's allowing you to do things yourself!

Your boyfriend parents sound like hypocritics. You say that they think your mother has caused you problems by not allowing you to do anything yourself, yet they help you with picking you up, taking you shopping, helping you with the house - in your own words 'helping get your life back on track a bit'.

I agree with Tof and if you want to distance yourself from your mother then do a proper job and stop relaying on her for stuff as it will only come back to bite you on the arse, when say for example you want to see the doctor alone? Or some other area in your life that you want to take control back from her.

Why should she drop all of her plans because you needed a lift? You're an adult, with your own house and partner. The phrase "your lack of planning, does not constitute an emergency on my part" is appropriate here.

Asking your parents for help is not a good idea. They are likely to let you down and it allows them to think they can control you. Spend time with your boyfriend and his family. Make sure that you are doing what you can to help them and show gratitude and appreciation.

I really doubt that it is any of those things. It's more likely that she is trying to losen the apron strings a bit because she's concerned that you are too reliant upon others to do basic things for you and your anxiety makes you shy away from being more self reliant.

How old are you?

loosen

Coyocan I don't like public transport because I don't like being round people I can't even handle the shops when they are busy so I try and go when it's quiet and easier for me to handle I get less stressed and anxious if it's quiet. I would do online shopping but I've never done it before and if the postman can't find my house then what chance have I got of the delivery person finding me.

May I ask why the postman can't find your house?

I actually don't know how to take control my mum has always told me what to do and you don't disagree with her. I have mild learning difficulties and autistic traits on top of depression and anxiety and just staying indoors all of the time I never go out anywhere I don't like being too far from the house and my cats. I'm 28.

BusterGonad I have a marionette that has been built on to the back of a block of flats and the postman doesn't think to walk round the back with my post I've had 2 vacum cleaners go missing because they couldn't find me.

masionett

Okay, well there is your answer. Your mum takes control of the big important things like making sure you get to doctor's appointments and that the right things get said/understood, and that your bills get paid on time. Because you need someone to help you with those things.

But she is trying to encourage you to become more independent with the smaller things that she believes you can manage, such as getting around on public transport, doing your own shopping, budgeting your money and thinking through the consequences of buying more than you can carry on the bus.

I'm sure she isn't trying to be cruel or distant, even if it may sometimes seem that way.

You never go out yet you went to the shop?

I sort out the doctors appointments and I pay my own bills they are all on direct debit but my mum likes to tell the doctors that she does it all because she wants them to think that I can't do anything I can I'm not that bad. My mum chops and changes her mind about what I should do one minute she is telling me to go back to work and then she is telling me that I should stay permenamtly on the sick at one point she even said I should get myself sectioned because I would get more money. I wanted to change jobs but she won't allow me to she wanted me to stay where I was and said no when I said about being an agency care assistant. She has to control everything that I do and my sister can do what she likes and can do any job she wants to just not me.

I only go out when I have run out everything so I can spend up to 2 weeks just sitting in doors.

Derm I think the OP probably means that she rarely goes out and it's quite a big thing for her to tackle a shopping trip alone. And as we can see she has become muddled and bought more than she could carry and then expected her mum to immediately solve that problem for her. But her mum obviously believes she is capable of managing those things with a bit of planning and doesn't want to encourage this learned helplessness or pander to her anxiety by rushing to her aid over non-emergency things.

I am sure her mother knows exactly when it's necessary to do something for her DD and when it's important to let her learn to do something for herself. And to back off and let her find her own way out of each small self-induced predicament so a lesson is learned for next time.

It's called parenting a child, only sometimes we still need to do it even if your child is an adult. In cases like this especially.

Is your Mother trying to (rightly or wrongly) protect any benefits for you or her?

AstridWhite a shopping trip on my own is a big thing for me I normally have someone go with me and I only bought so much because I let things run too low or run out completely that was my mistake I don't normally do that and I never ask my mum to pick me up I always get myself back home it was just this one time I got a bit stuck my own fault.

RadioGaGoo I don't know if she gets anything for me but I get PIP and apparently if you get secentioned your money gets increased but I'm not going to deliberately get myself sectioned just to get more money am sure thats wrong.

I can’t see what your mum did wrong there really. It wasn’t pre arranged that she’d pick you up. You called on the off chance she could help and she couldn’t as she was busy. You should have got yourself home another way or bought less knowing you were walking.

Parcels I don’t think a couple of day is bad when you won’t go get them from her. Have your post delivered to you in the future

She has to control everything that I do and my sister can do what she likes

Does your sister have learning difficulties and autism traits?

Look, you are an adult, albeit one with some additional needs. Without knowing your full background I am assuming you are entitled to tell your mum to stop being over-involved in your life and make your own independent decisions. You can insist on going to the GP alone. You can insist on applying for whatever job you want. You can insist on handling your own finances without any input from your mum. It might be too much for you or it might not, but that is your risk to take.

But you can't demand all that from your mum in one breath and then cry when she won't pick you up from the shops at a moment's notice in the next.

You can't get in the pickle you did over budgeting for Christmas presents and expect your mum to just let you off the money you owed her, but then take offence when she tries to manage essential bill paying for you.

Did your mum set up your direct debits for you? Because if so, that is probably what she means when she tells people 'I sort out her bills.'

I know it's very frustrating for you, but you can't go around demanding her help and immediate attention over the small inconsequential things if you are going to resent her help with the bigger more important things.

Strawberrypengiune I gave anxiety and struggle to get out the house so it's not as easy as just going to get them from her's and it was her idea for them to be delivered to her house because I never receive my post where I live.

Aw love, I do feel you are being a bit unreasonable. I understand anxiety, and it's horrible. Can I suggest next time you find yourself in a pickle that you take some very deep breaths and try find your own way to solve the problem, hard I know but the boost to your confidence will be amazing when you sort something out yourself instead of relying on help from anybody. You are focusing too much on what you can't do and forgetting what you CAN DO. I'm not being harsh, I have suffered like you from time to time but I don't have anyone to call on for help and I've just had to get on with it. Put all negative thoughts of your family out of your head, set yourself small challenges to build your self esteem up, at 28 these should be some of the best years of your life. Good luck x

AstridWhite no my sister is NT my mum would get in an even bigger huff with me if I tried to do any of that she likes to tell me what to do. No all the direct debits where set up by me I know how much each and every bill is and exactly what date it gets paid when I was working I had it all written down how much my monthly outgoings where on bills so I knew how much to have in my savings ready to pay my bills but now I'm struggling on just SSP and not using my money for anything other than food and bills so that can make my money stretch.

Great post clara