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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the words "grief" and "loss" shouldn't be thrown around so casually?

64 replies

Pearl87 · 13/01/2018 16:47

On another parenting website I visit, there was a thread about a woman who had "gender disappointment" because she had a newborn son. Other posters were advising her to "grieve" for the hypothetical baby girl she had "lost". One poster said that she'd had a stillborn baby and said that the OP should be grateful that her baby was alive. The other posters pounced on her and called her insensitive and self-centred. She was told (paraphrasing slightly), "The OP's loss is just as real as yours, no matter what you think. Try to have some empathy."

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? I felt like I'd stepped into a parallel universe. How the hell can getting the "wrong" sex of baby (like they're toys) can be considered as much of a loss as a stillbirth? Isn't this an awful thing to say about a child? They're effectively calling him such a disappointment that it would be no sadder if he died!

I'm sure people will say, "Oh, it's not about being disappointed with your child, it's about being disappointed over the child you didn't get..." but honestly, that's a cop-out. Imagine if you overheard your mother-in-law saying, "I'm not disappointed with my daughter-in-law, I'm disappointed that my son didn't marry the nicer/prettier/more interesting woman that I would have chosen for him." I think most people would be hurt by that!

Another poster sympathised with the OP because she remembered being left "in shock" after finding out her baby was a boy, as she'd never even considered that she might not get what she wanted. "In shock"? FFS, it was a 50/50 chance!

I'm willing to be told I'm being insensitive, but I think some people use such melodramatic language nowadays that the real impact of words gets diluted. AIBU?

OP posts:
insancerre · 13/01/2018 16:49

Yanbu
People are such bloody drama queens sometime

Pengggwn · 13/01/2018 16:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

M00nUnit · 13/01/2018 16:51

I totally agree with you OP. Having a baby of a different sex from the one you wanted can't possibly even compare witj the pain of actually losing a baby.

sausagerollsrock · 13/01/2018 16:51

Yanbu.
Those posters comparing stillbirth and ‘gender disappointment’ would probably feel hugely different if they had actually been through the loss of a child. It’s sad when people can’t just be greatful to have a healthy baby.

WorraLiberty · 13/01/2018 16:53

YANBU

Can you link to it please?

It'd be really interesting to read that pile of nonsense and try to get into the heads of the people posting it.

Topseyt · 13/01/2018 16:54

I totally agree with you.

Grieve for the baby girl she lost? That is melodramatic. She didn't lose a baby girl. The baby she was carrying was always a boy, who is alive and well. I hope she doesn't make it clear to him that he is a disappointment to her due to not being a girl!

Sparklesdontshine · 13/01/2018 16:55

Sound people really shouldn't breed!

LemsAGem · 13/01/2018 17:05

The other posters pounced on her and called her insensitive and self-centred. She was told (paraphrasing slightly), "The OP's loss is just as real as yours, no matter what you think. Try to have some empathy."

Those posters are cunts of the highest order.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2018 17:08

They are indeed. Of course YANBU. What absolute fucking bitches.

Did no one show any support for the woman brave enough to share her actual real loss of her adored baby?

QueenLaBeefah · 13/01/2018 17:11

YANBU. it is hardly a week kept secret that there is a 50/50 chance of having a boy or girl.

lostmyfeckingkeysagain · 13/01/2018 17:14

YANBU. Ridiculous.

Disappointment of any sort whether it's related to parenting, relationships, career, whatever, is just a normal part of life. Obviously some people are more resilient and cope with disappointment better than others but comparing not getting the 'right' sex baby (as if it's a fucking doll) to an actual death is way OTT.

Original poster
Pearl87 · 13/01/2018 17:15

WorraLiberty, I don't really feel comfortable linking to it (sorry if that sounds school marm-ish!). It's a thread that hasn't actually been updated in weeks, so I don't feel it would be right to put a link here and potentially have MNers bump it again. Incidentally, it's an American website. Sex selection is legal (albeit very expensive) over there, and I wonder if that creates a culture in which people see the sex of a child as something you should have the right to choose rather than just accept.

OP posts:
burdog · 13/01/2018 17:18

I read the title expecting something quite different. Thoroughly agree with you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2018 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2018 17:18

Oh dear, I’m so sorry. Wrong thread Blush

TalkinBoutWhat · 13/01/2018 17:23

Going against the grain here. Someone posted a thread, about dealing with the gender disappointment, ie having a child of a different gender to the one they were hoping for.

Whether you agree or not, they have suffered a loss. They thread they posted was SPECIFICALLY about that loss. It was not about whether their loss was equal or greater than someone else's loss. They were trying to deal with THEIR LOSS, and get some support on a thread.

Then someone wades in and says, my loss was greater than yours, so just get on and deal with it. Much like on MN when someone always bloody well posts something like 'first world problem', or 'families had to use foodbanks at Christmas, stop complaining about X, Y or Z', or, on 'My parent is nightmare' threads someone always comes out with 'stop complaining about your DM, I've lost mine and will now never get to spend another Christmas, Birthday, whatever other bloody day with them again.' Really, really annoying, and completely not the point.

So on the whole, I think YABU. Others on the thread could have been more tactful, but just because someone out there in the world has suffered a greater loss, that doesn't make all losses insignificant.

squoosh · 13/01/2018 17:25

YANBU

It's not a loss, it's self indulgent nonsense.

missjulia · 13/01/2018 17:30

A disappointment cannot be compared to a death.

missjulia · 13/01/2018 17:30

A disappointment cannot be compared to a death.

WorraLiberty · 13/01/2018 17:31

It's a thread that hasn't actually been updated in weeks, so I don't feel it would be right to put a link here and potentially have MNers bump it again.

If it's on the internet, it can be bumped at any time though.

TalkinBoutWhat · 13/01/2018 17:31

But they didn't compare it with a death. They posted about their disappointment. It was the person who suffered the loss through death who posted on the other person's thread, to tell them to shut up about it.

Weezol · 13/01/2018 17:33
  1. It's sex, not gender
  2. WTAF? Disappointed they have a healthy child and that neither of them died during the birth? Biscuit
sirlee66 · 13/01/2018 17:41

This is really interesting. We struggled to concieve for a long time and now I've finally fallen... I'm happy with anything. Honestly, I could birth a baby dinosaur and I'd be happy.

It used to upset me so much when people said... Oh but I wanted a boy...... It's like.... What!? I want anything... You should be happy you have SOMETHING!

But I also get it from the other point of view. If you thought you were having a boy and then find out it's a girl it must feel a bit like your boy has gone...

I don't know. The poor lady who had a stillborn.. god that's just awful. And that really should put into perspective that no matter if it's a boy or girl, you have a baby and that's more than that poor poor lady got to take home :'(

TheQueenOfWands · 13/01/2018 17:43

A baby dinosaur would be awesome though...

Weezol · 13/01/2018 18:02

Especially a baby diplodocus. They're my favourite.

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