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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the words "grief" and "loss" shouldn't be thrown around so casually?

64 replies

Pearl87 · 13/01/2018 16:47

On another parenting website I visit, there was a thread about a woman who had "gender disappointment" because she had a newborn son. Other posters were advising her to "grieve" for the hypothetical baby girl she had "lost". One poster said that she'd had a stillborn baby and said that the OP should be grateful that her baby was alive. The other posters pounced on her and called her insensitive and self-centred. She was told (paraphrasing slightly), "The OP's loss is just as real as yours, no matter what you think. Try to have some empathy."

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? I felt like I'd stepped into a parallel universe. How the hell can getting the "wrong" sex of baby (like they're toys) can be considered as much of a loss as a stillbirth? Isn't this an awful thing to say about a child? They're effectively calling him such a disappointment that it would be no sadder if he died!

I'm sure people will say, "Oh, it's not about being disappointed with your child, it's about being disappointed over the child you didn't get..." but honestly, that's a cop-out. Imagine if you overheard your mother-in-law saying, "I'm not disappointed with my daughter-in-law, I'm disappointed that my son didn't marry the nicer/prettier/more interesting woman that I would have chosen for him." I think most people would be hurt by that!

Another poster sympathised with the OP because she remembered being left "in shock" after finding out her baby was a boy, as she'd never even considered that she might not get what she wanted. "In shock"? FFS, it was a 50/50 chance!

I'm willing to be told I'm being insensitive, but I think some people use such melodramatic language nowadays that the real impact of words gets diluted. AIBU?

OP posts:
TalkinBoutWhat · 13/01/2018 18:04

Yeah, I'd be happy with a little dinosaur too....

Crunchymum · 13/01/2018 18:09

I was going to say link it so I could join and tell them all what a bunch of cunts they are.

If you are going to be so "disappointed" to have one sex over another then at least have a bloody sex scan to manage your expectations / know what you are dealing with.

Can't believe that anyone would actually post that to a mother of a stillborn????

LineysRunt · 13/01/2018 18:10

How noble of you not to link to it, OP.

KurriKurri · 13/01/2018 18:12

It's not a loss - to lose something you have to have had it in the first place. It is the non fulfillment of a desire. That's a disappointment, but you don't grieve disappointments, you may feel sadness etc but disappointments can be come to terms with and moved on from.

TheQueenOfWands · 13/01/2018 18:13

It's a bit baffling that people 'try' for a baby if they really want a particular flavour.

Why don't they adopt? Then they know what they're getting.

LouiseBrooks · 13/01/2018 18:15

whether you agree or not, they have suffered a loss

Actually, no. In order to have lose something or someone you have to have had it/them in the first place. They didn't.

And their comments to the woman who really did lose a child are disgraceful.

LouiseBrooks · 13/01/2018 18:15

Cross posted with Kurrikurri.

derangedmermaid · 13/01/2018 18:19

No. Yanbu.

I know someone who miscarried over a decade ago and will go out of her way to make pregnant women feel like shit for celebrating their pregnancy.

Most people say she's just still grieving and it's the grief talking. I think she's an insufferable drama queen who thrives from putting other women in distress so they'll be sympathetic.

I'm not at all invalidating her loss, I'm no stranger to miscarriage, but there's a limit and she exceeds that limit.

waterfall0119 · 13/01/2018 18:21

KurriKurri hit the nail on the head. It’s not a loss!
I think ‘sex disappointment’ is such self indulgent bullshit anyway. You have a baby, a healthy baby. Who cares if they have a penis or vagina Hmm

PeaceLoveAndDixie · 13/01/2018 18:23

I totally agree that to say that to the mother of the stillborn baby was utterly unreasonable but I do understand why the other posters were comparing it to a loss of sorts. I am having counselling for pnd brought on by being unable to breastfeed my fourth baby like I had done with all my others. The counsellor is always telling me I’m grieving for the baby I thought I would have (one that would bloody latch!) My friend who has suffered a neonatal loss has told me she would feel the same way I’m feeling and just because she has experienced worse doesn’t mean I need to be happy.

RatRolyPoly · 13/01/2018 18:24

I'm sorry I completely agree with TalkinBout. You may not like it but some people feel a sense of loss or a sense of grief (note: not actual loss or grief) over any number of things, including gender disappointment. What, are you just going to tell them to shut up their feelings and suck it up because people have it harder? That's not how empathy works.

Soubriquet · 13/01/2018 18:25

Yanbu

Gender disappointment is a real thing.

I had it initially when I found out my Ds was a Ds. But I got over it the second he was born and we have a very close bond.

But to tell a woman who had a stillbirth that her loss was just as bad is totally out of order.

Ok the baby might not be a girl, but it's alive and healthy.

ClareB83 · 13/01/2018 18:27

Yup I agree with @TalkinBoutWhat as well. Just because somethings are worse than others doesn't mean you should be banned from talking about something that has upset you and receive some support for it.

squoosh · 13/01/2018 18:37

Talk about gender disappointment it all you like. Don't describe it as grief.

hedgehoghappy · 13/01/2018 18:37

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derangedmermaid · 13/01/2018 18:39

@hedgehoghappy that's different though isn't it? You'd had that time to envisage your child as you'd been told it was.

I don't think gender disappointment is anything like grief. I really don't.

PennyBBT · 13/01/2018 18:39

YANBU it's absolutly disgusting for someone to compare a babies sex and someone's baby dying. Oh boo hoo, her babies "bits" aren't what she wanted... jesus people are so self absorbed and insensitive to others. Xxx

PurpleDaisies · 13/01/2018 18:39

Why don't they adopt? Then they know what they're getting.

I don’t think flippant comments like this are helpful. Adoption is an intrusive, gruelling process and to say “you know what you’re getting” ignores the very real possibility that your child will be damaged from their start in life and later have difficulties related to that which aren’t apparent when you take them.

I can’t think of any circumstance where “just adopt” is the right thing to say.

RatRolyPoly · 13/01/2018 18:40

Talk about gender disappointment it all you like. Don't describe it as grief.

Having thought about it a lot I can't think of a single other way to describe a grief-like feeling other than like grief. If that's what it feels like to someone what are they supposed to say?

expatinscotland · 13/01/2018 18:42

YANBU

squoosh · 13/01/2018 18:43

It's hyperbolic to describe it as grief. it's a crushing disappointment perhaps but hopefully one you get over pretty quickly once the actual child arrives.

It seems that these days all emotions have to be described in a really heightened way to drive the point home.

Jaygee61 · 13/01/2018 18:44

I totally agree with you OP. Having a baby of a different sex from the one you wanted can't possibly even compare witj the pain of actually losing a baby.

Or with the pain of never being able to have one, not that I am comparing that with losing a baby, for one moment, but I would have been so happy with a baby of either sex that grieving because you’ve had one that wasn’t the sex you wanted males no sense to me.

Sparklesdontshine · 13/01/2018 18:45

If it’s the same website that I have seen, they have very extreme views on gender disappointment and many abort their undesired sex and continue in this way until they get their chosen sex

hedgehoghappy · 13/01/2018 18:45

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TammySwansonTwo · 13/01/2018 18:48

I only found out gender disappointment was a thing when I was pregnant and it's not something I could relate to at all. I didn't care which sex my twins were and can't imagine struggling with this at all. I stumbled across a gender disappointment forum and initially I was absolutely horrified - I almost lost one of my boys and couldn't understand how they could feel this way. I thought about it more and tried to empathise and I can see that some of these women really suffer badly, whether or not it seems right to others.

What's wrong here is someone saying it's on the same level as still birth as that's ludicrous and obscene. People have the right to be upset about this, and the woman who had the stillbirth had the right to her feelings about it too.

I wonder if finding out increasingly early in pregnancy is exacerbating this issue, at a point when emotions and hormones are high. NIPT is increasingly used in early pregnancy and many parents find out the gender at this point. I could be wrong.

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