to think the words "grief" and "loss" shouldn't be thrown around so casually?

[Pearl87]

On another parenting website I visit, there was a thread about a woman who had "gender disappointment" because she had a newborn son. Other posters were advising her to "grieve" for the hypothetical baby girl she had "lost". One poster said that she'd had a stillborn baby and said that the OP should be grateful that her baby was alive. The other posters pounced on her and called her insensitive and self-centred. She was told (paraphrasing slightly), "The OP's loss is just as real as yours, no matter what you think. Try to have some empathy."

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? I felt like I'd stepped into a parallel universe. How the hell can getting the "wrong" sex of baby (like they're toys) can be considered as much of a loss as a stillbirth? Isn't this an awful thing to say about a child? They're effectively calling him such a disappointment that it would be no sadder if he died!

I'm sure people will say, "Oh, it's not about being disappointed with your child, it's about being disappointed over the child you didn't get..." but honestly, that's a cop-out. Imagine if you overheard your mother-in-law saying, "I'm not disappointed with my daughter-in-law, I'm disappointed that my son didn't marry the nicer/prettier/more interesting woman that I would have chosen for him." I think most people would be hurt by that!

Another poster sympathised with the OP because she remembered being left "in shock" after finding out her baby was a boy, as she'd never even considered that she might not get what she wanted. "In shock"? FFS, it was a 50/50 chance!

I'm willing to be told I'm being insensitive, but I think some people use such melodramatic language nowadays that the real impact of words gets diluted. AIBU?

"I think some people use such melodramatic language nowadays that the real impact of words gets diluted."
Excellent summary and I think this applies to so many different situations now

Oh my god, this has made me LIVID!!! Honestly, I've had three miscarriages, I have friends who are suffering from failed IVF and/or long term infertility. And stillbirth must be horrific. How dare ANYONE compare that grief to having a perfectly healthy child that is a different sex from the one they wanted? What a self absorbed load of bullsh*t. Christ, just think for ONE SECOND about what you are saying.

I stumbled across a GD forum and there was a woman there who was planning to have IVF and then abort if it wasn't the gender she wanted - it sounds so horrific but this woman was really suffering psychologically, that much was clear. It was just awful all round. That forum also runs a secret "extreme gender disappointment" board which is secret, I can't even imagine the content there.

Definition of ‘loss’:
A) ‘the fact that you no longer have something or have less of something’
B) ‘the death of a person‘

Definition of grief:
A) ‘very great sadness, especially at the death of someone’

None of these definitions are appropriate for ‘gender dossappointment’ because by definition, you had to have had it. I certainly had (literally!) my lost babies and there was certainly no child of either gender in my arms at the end of giving birth to them. The attitude described by OP makes me feel a bit sick actually.

@tammyswansontwo that’s the same one that I have seen, it’s pretty grim

Echoing Stepaway.
Just the term 'gender disappointment' is a disgusting concept to me as an infertile person. But I'm sure I'd find it disgusting if I had children.

YANBU

I would never beat anyone up for “gender disappointment” people can’t help how they feel but wanking on about “grief” and thinking it’s in any way comparable to infertility or the loss of a child is self indulgent nonsense.

After 2 miscarriages, like pp's I had absolutely no gender preference (nor had I ever tbh) when I finally had my first successful pregnancy.

That said I was sure, with every fibre of my being that I was having a boy. Really hard to describe but I felt I just knew it.

Come the scan I was told it was a girl and nearly fell off the bed. I was utterly shocked and confused.....for the next few minutes until baby moved and DS decided to "reveal" himself.

I honestly know I'd have got over it and have been thrilled I was having a girl - but I really feel I would have had quite a bit of "processing" to do for a few hours/days. Simply because I'd been so very sure.

So in a way I do slightly understand "gender disappointment" but I don't at all compare that what I felt with the devastation of my miscarriages.

I do feel it's thoughtless to use terms like grief in these circumstances - that's not at all what it is and I quite understand it must be so much worse for those who've lost children to hear people talking in these terms.

It reminds me of a similar thread a while back about a Guardian (?) article where the author talked about grieving for her baby - because they'd grown up into a young child .

It was incredibly insensitive (lots of talk about loss and heartache etc) and understandably caused a lot of distress to people who were grieving.

I think some people are just overly indulgent in describing their "emotions" and absolutely fail, in their own self-absorption, to see how disrespectful and ludicrous their over dramatised assertions are.

I would never beat anyone up for “gender disappointment” people can’t help how they feel but wanking on about “grief” and thinking it’s in any way comparable to infertility or the loss of a child is self indulgent nonsense.

Pretty much this really.

We lost our first daughter after 11 years trying to conceive her. When we found we were expecting another girl the following year, I was filled with all sorts of emotions, relief, worry, like I was being given another chance but at the same time convinced that history would repeat itself. I genuinely can't say how I would of felt had she been a boy. Whether that would of been 'easier' or not but I can definitely say that the main overriding feeling was gratitude that they were alive. I didn't care what they came out as long as they were breathing. Comparing the 'loss' of a hypothetical child to the actual horror of child loss is insulting. I wish I'd never had to see a coffin that small. I wish my only worry had been what sex they were. It is in no way the same. It's not even similar.

Yanbu.

Gender disappointment is not a loss..it just isn't. How can it be, when you are gaining a healthy baby?

I do understand why people have gender disappointment, and I do understand there are reasons why people find it hard, but I think it's one of the few issues these days where a bit of old fashioned "buck up, count your blessings and get on with it" remains the best and most effective advice

Where I live, the hospital isn’t allowed to say whether you’re having a boy or girl at the 20 week scan. You have to pay privately for it, all because of some twats who were told to expect a boy and had a girl, and then sued the hospital.

I had a long stay during pregnancy and was talked to by one of the nurses who ranted about this issue. She said she wanted to grab those parents and march them down to Neo-natal, to see the genuinely ill babies and hopefully realise how lucky they were to have a healthy baby.

There's a young girl I know who was 'gutted' and 'heartbroken' when told her unborn baby was a boy, she was an absolute whopper of a bell end and I quickly ended all communication with her. These people are not deserving of children when there are so many families going through real grief and suffering real loss of children.

Deathbymascara same thing happened at my local hospital. The parents were told girl, went out and spent thousands on girl clothes, pink nursery etc. Out popped a boy. Parents sued