To ask you to help me dress DD?

[AEJS]

My DD is 14 and would definitely describe herself as a 'tom boy'. Her outfit of choice would be dark skinny jeans and a black, oversized hoody. She has short hair, wears sneakers and rejects utterly anything feminine.

Normally I am perfectly happy with her style choices. I want her to be herself and be comfortable with what she wears.

However, DH and I are renewing our wedding vows next month. It is a very special day and I want everyone to look smart. We went shopping this morning for outfits. I had already resigned myself to the fact that she wouldn't wear a dress, haven't seen her legs since 2014 but I didn't think it would be so hard.

Nothing I picked out was right, she would choose nothing. Eventually we settled on a dark navy trouser suit which she consented to try on with a few different tops.

In the changing room she took ages to change and then when I asked to see she was standing there looking stunning in the suit but crying her eyes out. When I asked what was wrong she said she felt too feminine and not like her. We figured out it was the top she really hated and after discussing what she would like I found her a roll neck top to wear underneath the suit. Outfit purchased. She looks more like she's off to a funeral rather than a vow renewal though.

When we got home I couldn't stop thinking about it. A big part of me just wants her to wear what she likes and just be comfortable on the day. I want her to be able to express herself as she sees fit. BUT there's another part of me that just wants to say to her that it's only one day, please dress smartly.

I really don't want to fall out with her over this and I cannot explain why it's so important, it just is.

Help!

I think some posters are missing the point here and linking to clothes which would suit an older, confident 17 years old plus woman and they still look feminine. I agree with a past poster: It's all about being able to hide in the hoody at 14 years old. I would go with a new pair of skinny jeans and either a thin hoody or a shirt with a hood with a blazer on top.

Suspect I might be on my own here...but I disagree with the many responses saying a version of 'let her be herself and wear hoodie/trainers' etc.

Yes she should choose what she wears...within the bounds of what is suitable for the occasion IMO.

I wouldn't let mine wear a swimming costume to a prom. Or restrictive, skinny jeans to a gymnastics lesson. Or any form of hoodie, jeans or trainers to a smart occasion like a wedding/vow renewal or posh meal. Because they're inappropriate clothing for the occasion.

14 is plenty old enough to understand there are certain items of clothing she can't wear this time, no matter how comfortable she is in them.

I also wonder in RL just how many posters in this situation would be going 'Oh sure sweetie, pick out your favourite pair of dark jeans!'.

Not as many as are claiming here, I suspect 😂

It would depend on the mental health of the teenager concerned. With my teen I would expect him to wear a suit for the occasion and it would be non negotiable. I work with teens who, were they one of mine, I would just be glad they go to the occasion and manage to get through it and if the only way is wearing a hoody then so be it.

Personally I probably wouldn't mind if she wore jeans, but as you've got her the suit, would she wear it with a blue and white stripy t-shirt? That could look quite smart in a slightly unusual way and needn't be particularly girly, depending on the neckline of the t-shirt. I think basically if someone's wearing a suit they're going to look smart, it's just whether you go for conventional smart or quirky smart.

@MagicWillHappen I would. My maid of honour hated dressing up so chose jeans and a blouse/shirt type thing with flat shoes. Because her feeling comfortable and not conforming to what I wanted was more important to me than getting my own way.

(As it turns out she didn’t come because her FIL died that morning, but that doesn’t change anything.)

@Ellisandra

Wow some really nasty comments there after an apology for not thoroughly reading your post. Yes we're online but there's no need to tell someone to fuck off who expresses a rational and polite point of view about something you've posted. Albeit incorrectly. Quite sure you wouldn't tell someone to fuck off in real life.

@ourkidmolly

I didn't find your reply a 'polite point of view' at all. Come on - there's nothing polite about saying "it's OK to say no to a 9yo you know". That was patronising and you know it.

I posted before I saw your apology which I think is pretty likely to be clear from the short time difference.

In any case, your apology was for not understanding the change of outfit - not for your patronising comment.

I do apologise to you as you took "DFOD" as the same as "fuck off". We all use phrases differently, and DFOD is definitely for me a much less aggressive comment than a blunt fuck off. And I certainly didn't intend a full on fuck off. But, I won't backtrack and say it wasn't a DFOD - because I did find you patronising comment very rude.

Was thinking about this thread during a bought of insomnia overnight!

DD wore a play suit from Boohoo to a recent anniversary party, is something like this an option? It might be more age appropriate.

Also if she is conscious about her changing body, can you give a gentle steer about the shapes and colours that suit her? Part of learning to dress ourselves, and growing our confidence is working out what looks suit us and not just following the herd.

It’s not about teens wearing what their Mums like, more about encouraging to wear clothes they like that suit them. So for example, if she is conscious about her breasts, making sure she has a well fitted bra and understands what necklines suit her.

If its a navy blue trouser suit what about a white lycra t.shirt for a sharper look if she wont wear a blouse. Possibly a blue and white stripe t.shirt for a smart nautical look. Agree with the above poster who suggested a nice button hole to brighten it up.

And she won't look like she going to a funeral as she will be smiling. There have been some famous women marrying in trouser suits Bianca Jagger to Mick, Patsy Kensit to Liam Gallagher, Liz Jones to Nirpal.

Good luck on your special day OP.

I was thinking that a couple of smarter items, like a jacket or trousers, could be given a younger feel by adding a T shirt and trainers, so that the overall effect is more individual and age appropriate.

Have you considered letting her wear a tuxedo? Thy look ace on women too and will be smart enough but still fits her wants too.

Here’s a few images of women in a tuxedo looking amazing:
www.google.co.uk/search?q=woman+in+tuxedo&client=safari&hl=en-gb&prmd=ivsn&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwifrJT4k9rYAhXQzqQKHWmJCkwQ_AUIESgB&biw=320&bih=454#imgrc=fw_OEYwFl0yrVM:

I would advise against suggesting a tuxedo, or using older women as inspiration, to a 14 year old who has probably already had enough of not being understood. She's 14. It's unlikely she will pull off anything as well as a model, Patsy Kensit or Bianca Jagger would

I don't know who 14 year olds are 'into' these days, but perhaps they should be the starting point for inspiration.

I still cringe at professional family photos we had taken when I was a similar age. I was going through a tie-dye / velvet hat / mirrors on skirts / DMs / silver jewellery on leather phase. My mum hated it, but I actually spent a lot of time and effort on my 'style'. Anyway, for the photo shoot she had me dress in her clothes - cream blouse and drop earrings included. Aside from a sense of having 'won', I don't know what she feels looking at that picture because it's about as removed from me now as it was then.

Ok I have a 15yo dd who is a mechanic(yes she's young but it's complicated) and never wears anything feminine. It's just not her. Always in jeans, combats, t-shirts and hoodies and usually coated in grease.

However her sd and I are getting married next month and she has chosen to wear a dress - no pressure I just gave her a budget and a the wedding colour scheme and told her to look online for things she liked, send me the links and I would order them and she could try on at home and make her choice. We had everything from trouser suits to jeans to dresses.

At her age I detested shopping (still do) and wrestling myself into clothes in changing rooms with dodgy lighting.

Maybe try letting her look online and try on at home - removing the stress and pressure. She might surprise you but at the worst she will be happy and comfortable.