To ask you to help me dress DD?

[AEJS]

My DD is 14 and would definitely describe herself as a 'tom boy'. Her outfit of choice would be dark skinny jeans and a black, oversized hoody. She has short hair, wears sneakers and rejects utterly anything feminine.

Normally I am perfectly happy with her style choices. I want her to be herself and be comfortable with what she wears.

However, DH and I are renewing our wedding vows next month. It is a very special day and I want everyone to look smart. We went shopping this morning for outfits. I had already resigned myself to the fact that she wouldn't wear a dress, haven't seen her legs since 2014 but I didn't think it would be so hard.

Nothing I picked out was right, she would choose nothing. Eventually we settled on a dark navy trouser suit which she consented to try on with a few different tops.

In the changing room she took ages to change and then when I asked to see she was standing there looking stunning in the suit but crying her eyes out. When I asked what was wrong she said she felt too feminine and not like her. We figured out it was the top she really hated and after discussing what she would like I found her a roll neck top to wear underneath the suit. Outfit purchased. She looks more like she's off to a funeral rather than a vow renewal though.

When we got home I couldn't stop thinking about it. A big part of me just wants her to wear what she likes and just be comfortable on the day. I want her to be able to express herself as she sees fit. BUT there's another part of me that just wants to say to her that it's only one day, please dress smartly.

I really don't want to fall out with her over this and I cannot explain why it's so important, it just is.

Help!

Op does your DD want to be "dressed"?

She is 14 years old FFS, not a 5 year old.

Being so controlling over something so trivial with a 14 year old is usually not to be advised.

Maybe a "renewal of vows" is something that she thinks is overly cheesy. I know my teens would think so.

Try Next. I'm a lot older but normally wear a smart trouser suit from there for work when I need to look smart. I wear a white Oxford shirt from Jack Wills underneath and then some flats - I've just bought a lovely dark red patent pair from Next actually.

My other suggestion is if she likes a particular brand. I.e I love Jack Wills and would never normally wear a dress to a function, I'd normally go with the short(ish) skirt and blouse/roll neck a la Taylor Swift. But when I realised Jack Wills sold them I instantly loved their dresses and now own a few. Or maybe that's all in my head!

• I want her to be able to express herself as she sees fit. BUT there's another part of me that just wants to say to her that it's only one day, please dress smartly.

I really don't want to fall out with her over this and I cannot explain why it's so important, it just is.*

I think you need to give this some thought.
You have an internal struggle, lots of factors going on. Your ideals, the ideals you have for your daughter, your relationship with her, the fact that she is growing up and you releasing control. Your determination, your acceptance of your DD.

Lots of food for thought.

As I have said upthread your daughter's presence while feeling comfortable would over ride any issues surrounding her dress.

You have to think about your priorities OP.

Is it having a happy comfortable daughter or making your fairy tale come true?

Why do your vows need renewing? They don't come with an expiry date!

All I can see in my head is Pete and Dawn renewing their vows in Gavin and Stacey with "the ring"

Boden or John Lewis have some possible velvet stuff in the sale?

Would she wear a shirt? Think female teddy boy type look. What shoes does she have / would she wear?

I may be way off the mark as to what your daughter deems too feminine, but the singer Janelle Monae has a slightly androgynous style that is quite smart - she wears a lot of suits. If you look at the link you'll see some are quite fitted while others are looser. Maybe your daughter could look at her clothes for some inspiration?

www.google.co.uk/search?q=janelle+monae+suit&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwi6jMXmw9XYAhVFGsAKHaWHBEgQsAQILQ&biw=1131&bih=762#imgrc=_

Would she wear a sparkly t-shirt under the jacket? That might be a good compromise. I have a tomboy niece who was my bridesmaid and happily agreed to wear skinny black trousers, a silver sequinned top and red DM boots to our wedding and she looked fab.

(Actually in the end she changed her mind and wore a kilt to match DH's and glittery tights which was even better and a total surprise for me - I burst into tears when I saw her because she was beaming like mad and looked fantastic.)

I think this is quite a cool look

Haribo what a totally uncalled for sneery comment. There's any number of reason why op might want to do this and I'm sure none of them are because op is under the impression they are about to expire

Op I hope you find something you are both happy with, this brings back memories of being a self conscious 14 year old myself and going to a family wedding. I was much taller and bigger built than my cousins and my dm (god love her she tries) had no idea how to dress me and I'm sure the great grannies that were there looked trendier than me, I could still cry when I think about how bad I felt sat next to my slim petite cousins in their trendy dresses which suited their style while I felt like a fish out of water in the most horrific outfit I've ever worn.

That was the mid 90's though I think it so much easier now to find clothes for everyone's tastes. How about googling pics of pink and seeing if anything jumps out at her. A lot of her outfits might suit?

this is the green cowl neck I mentioned from Jacques Vert. I had a similar top of theirs in black.

I think all of the picture suggestions look lovely but would likely make the OP's DD feel feminine and uncomfortable. I think really dark skinny jeans, tshirt (bright if she does some colour and a blazer (boys or girls whatever works for her) will be smart enough and relaxed.

I agree with above poster that it is okay to insist on smart but not to define what that is. Why don’t you get her to show you images of men or women dresses smart enough for such an occasion. I think it is more being out the hoodie than the clothes you have bought.

I don’t mind a androgynous look and I often buy things from zara men because it is so slim fitting and I have a long body and arms and women blouses are often too neat.

Looking at zara boys wear

this grandad collar shirt is very Cos and these chinos would work for anyone.

Team with trainers.

If she knew she’s was wearing boys wear she might be more comfortable even if she could get something very similar in the girls section.

What about a hoody under a blazer?

What about black skinny trousers, bright coloured shirt and a fitted waistcoat? I used to wear that sort of ensemble to work. It looked very smart, not girly as I am not, but still lovely.

A bit like this, with or without jacket?

You know what? I am remembering myself at 14 and HATED my mum taking me shopping and suggesting what I wore. She was right that I might have looked good in this or that, but the whole process felt too controlling. I didn't love the way I looked, I hated changing rooms, and if caught on a bad day I might have cried. Didn't mean I would have disregarded all rules of dressing for a particular occasion though

We still (34 years later) talk about The Incident of The Cardigan

^ I meant I think your DD will look fine. Don't hassle her

I googled ‘androgynous wedding guest outfits’ and it came up with loads of great outfits.
I’d be looking to Lol from This Is England for inspiration.
Why not get googling with DD and see what she thinks.

I think the Jeans and Blazer sounds great. Possibly because it's a look I'm quite partial to myself ...

My only advice if I may, is not to back DD into a corner. I had a close school friend 30 odd years ago who refused to wear skirts and who was distraught at not being able to play for the School netball team in tracky bottoms. She declined to be in the team rather the wear a skirt as she had sworn never to wear one.

Long story short; as soon as friend went to uni, and was with new people, she began wearing skirts. She also got married at 22. In a dress but with short hair. My point is she would possibly have worn a skirt to school in later years if other people hadn't made such a big deal of her always wearing trousers.

What’s this obsession with waistcoats? Have I missed a memo?

She sounds like she’s got her one style - good for her. There’s plenty androgynous stuff out there; arket, uniqlo and cos are all great for clothes that aren’t overly fancy or flouncy.

Would she go shopping with someone else? Mum-shopping at that age can be hardwork (for everyone).

Also, catlady, your daughter’s graduation outfit sounds ace.

Honestly? I'd give my kids each the money you are planning on spending and ask them to choose an outfit they'd love to wear on the day. Her genuine smile in the photos is more important than her clothes. Plus in 10 years time when she is completely different it will remind you of who she was at that stage

What’s this obsession with waistcoats?

Glad it's not just me!