To ask you to help me dress DD?

[AEJS]

My DD is 14 and would definitely describe herself as a 'tom boy'. Her outfit of choice would be dark skinny jeans and a black, oversized hoody. She has short hair, wears sneakers and rejects utterly anything feminine.

Normally I am perfectly happy with her style choices. I want her to be herself and be comfortable with what she wears.

However, DH and I are renewing our wedding vows next month. It is a very special day and I want everyone to look smart. We went shopping this morning for outfits. I had already resigned myself to the fact that she wouldn't wear a dress, haven't seen her legs since 2014 but I didn't think it would be so hard.

Nothing I picked out was right, she would choose nothing. Eventually we settled on a dark navy trouser suit which she consented to try on with a few different tops.

In the changing room she took ages to change and then when I asked to see she was standing there looking stunning in the suit but crying her eyes out. When I asked what was wrong she said she felt too feminine and not like her. We figured out it was the top she really hated and after discussing what she would like I found her a roll neck top to wear underneath the suit. Outfit purchased. She looks more like she's off to a funeral rather than a vow renewal though.

When we got home I couldn't stop thinking about it. A big part of me just wants her to wear what she likes and just be comfortable on the day. I want her to be able to express herself as she sees fit. BUT there's another part of me that just wants to say to her that it's only one day, please dress smartly.

I really don't want to fall out with her over this and I cannot explain why it's so important, it just is.

Help!

How about dark skinny jeans, and a nice blazer, with a coloured tee shirt underneath. Or a simple white tee.
If she doesn't like the suit, I'd return it.

Right so I've just talked to her again and she is going to try on the jacket with her smartest jeans and a tshirt of her choice. She seemed much happier with this but can't possibly try it on straight away as she is face timing her boyfriend! Arrgh! Teenagers!

She's 14 not 4, so she can learn to compromise and the clothes you've bought sound like a compromise.

You’ve already reduced the poor girl to tears whilst she tries to fit in with what you want.

Poor girl my backside.

You’ve already reduced the poor girl to tears whilst she tries to fit in with what you want

No she hasn’t! The DD did that by herself. They then worked together to sort out what the problem was and came away with an outfit.

I want her to be able to express herself as she sees fit

She does need to learn how to express herself in ways suited to specific occasions though. We all dress differently for every day things and “smart”occasions and we all tend to do it within our personal style. She’s happy in skinny jeans and not in feminine clothing so this translates to something similar but in a smarter material or cut.

It’s not about forcing someone to wear something they aren’t happy with but helping the to adapt their style for different occasions without compromising on what they like.

I feel for you both. Having grown up feeling really uncomfortable in lots of outfits which I only wore because my parents insisted, I now see both that I looked much less ridiculous than I thought I looked and secondly that my parents wanted me there as a reflection of how they thought their child should look, as a reflection of themselves, rather than how I wanted to look, as a reflection of myself.

When you are young, we feel that we have very little control over so many things and things matter so much more. Being allowed to choose your own outfit is a big part of being accepted the way you are. By comparison to men's clothes, woman's clothes have very much to do with pleasing the eye of the beholder and very little to do with the ease and comfort of the person wearing them.

How bad would it be, if you honestly gave her a budget and suggested she show you some things that she would choose to wear? It would be a great show of your faith in her, and your confidence in yourself and who cares about what anyone else thinks?

As for the point about having to comply with a dress code as adults, we almost always have the option to not comply if we don't attend. She doesn't really have this option, don't you want her to feel comfortable. Even if in later years, you both laugh at what you all chose, the power to choose is very precious. Why not grant her that power?

How about dark skinny jeans, and a nice blazer, with a coloured tee shirt underneath

This sounds perfect. I can't imagine many 14 year olds struggling to express their identity would want to wear a trouser suit - or a waistcoat!

Would she be happier with something from a teen boy range?

What did your DS choose?

Can the outfit go back? If she'll be miserable wearing it that will put a bit of a dampener on the day.

How about getting her to look online? I agree with a pp's suggestion to look at people's style in the public eye that she admires and go from there?
Some ideas might be to go for an androgynous look- maybe an oversized shirt, funky leggings, coloured DM boots? Will she wear jewellery? You can dress up a plain black outfit with a fun necklace, bangles or a bright scarf or something.

I wouldn't worry too much. 14 years can be a difficult age with body changes and feeling insecure about your looks so it may just be that she wants to hide her figure under baggy clothes for now or stick with the "uniform" of jeans and hoody that her peers are wearing. She won't be like this forever. It's just out of her comfort zone that's all.

It's not the end of the world if you just buy her some new black skinnies and she has clean shoes on!

I wouldn't give a toss what she wore if it was my DD.

If she wanted to come ( and that in itself I wouldn't insist on) then I would be happy at her presence.
And I would want her to feel comfortable and happy.
I wouldn't give a shiny shit what she wore.

Just seen your update. Jeans, t shirt and a fitted blazer sounds fine to me. That's quite a cool outfit. My 14 year old self would be cringeing in a trouser suit too.

Sounds as if the whole lot lot might as well go back & just get a blazer/jacket instead!

On the whole I agree with squoosh though.

What's the big deal with not wearing her usual get up for a day-she's wearing something pretty similar!

Would she wear a bright coloured t shirt under the jacket and maybe matching loafers? A Sue Perkins look?

You wouldn't insist usually on dictating guests' outfits- why your DD?
Cut her some slack, show her a bit of respect- that's the way to earn respect with kids- especially teens.

I've never been to a "renewal of vows" ceremony so wouldn't know what the expected dress code was. Is it in a Church? Is there a party or meal or something afterwards? I don't see why she couldn't wear skinny jeans with a nice top if she's got one, as long as she feels comfortable. Or are vow renewals a bit like a wedding?

How about some special shoes in a lovely colour?

How about somthing like this? It's brighter colour so not looking like she's going to a
Funeral, and the tshirt keeps it casual n might make her feel comfortable. Even if you got black skinny jeans with this n some really cool trainers or ballet flats.

My dd is the same age and also not very feminine, she won’t wear a dress of a blouse, I think I would go for simple black skinny trousers, a simple top and a formal jacket, what about a shirt instead of a blouse? I often buy boys clothes for my dd, some boys shirts are quite smart and would look fine wth skinny black trousers? I would try and compromise with her, find something that she feels comfortable wear but something that looks smart.

Your compromise sounds fine. As long as the jeans are not ripped.

Only read the OP's first post but, it made me read teary for some reason. Nothing sensible to say but, I hope you all get to a happy joint decision.

Jacques Vert have a cowl neck dark emerald green velvet top, long sleeves. Would go well with her black jeans, possibly. It's in the sale, limited stock /sizes. Worth mentioning that green is good colour to hide in. Wish I knew how to upload pic.

How about shirt, waistcoat and matching tie to go with your wedding colours? I'm not sure how a 14 year old would feel about it but I think it looks really smart. Hope all goes well with your planning OP!

I wondered about velvet trousers and jacket with a Tshirt. Especially with a stretch fabric with elastane, velvet can be soft and comfortable, but also look quite dressed up. It can also be quite androgynous if that is what is wanted.

My daughter (who is much younger though) likes thick velvet leggings for parties with her favourite T shirts (with sequins probably) and the effect is smart and celebratory.