To ask you to tell me some GOOD things about having/being an only child

[lostmyfeckingkeysagain]

We have a 4yo DD who was conceived the first month of trying but have been TTC baby no 2 for almost 2 years now.
I just got my period this morning having convinced myself I was experiencing all kinds of pregnancy symptoms for the last few days

DD loves babies and has started asking brother or sister (although she's generally a very happy child) so I feel guilty that I may not be able to give her one but I need to prepare myself for the possibility that baby no.2 may not happen for us and she may be an only child.

DH and I are constantly being asked "when are you having another??" as though I can just click my fingers and make a baby appear! When I say "we'll see" or "we're not sure yet" etc (because I don't want to go into the whole sorry saga of my possible secondary infertility), we invariably get told that "DD needs a brother or sister!" , "Surely you don't want her to be an only child!" or worst of all "an only child is a lonely child".

We are very lucky in lots of ways and the three of us have a lovely life together. I would like to just appreciate what we have and not worry so much about it all but I am finding that all the negative stuff people say about only children is making the situation much more difficult for me to handle.

So, please MN, can we have a thread with positive things about being an only child or having an only child??
Also any advice as to how to deal with the aforementioned comments would be appreciated, bearing in mind there are some situations where "fuck off" isn't an option!

Thank you.

I’m an only child. I loved it as a kid and I love it as an adult! I don’t want to share my DM with some interloper we are extremely close.

Didn’t have to deal with someone in the house annoying me. Got what I wanted on tv or the radio (by DM’s permission of course). Didn’t have to be ferried around to someone else’s clubs and hobbies. Nobody else’s annoying friends coming over. Could read and play and craft in peace. Big fuss always made of me by DM’s friends and other relatives. I loved it!

I'm an only.. had an idyllic childhood never lonely and never missed a sibling. I am very close to my parents. I have felt more lonely as an adult though but I think that's because we live far away from my dps and whilst I am married and have a great dh and friends I do feel like i lack a best friend relationship that I might have from a sibling relationship but I know that doesn't always work out. My dps were able to support me through uni and help me with a deposit on our house so I've been very lucky. I am confident and make friends easily. The only negative I think is that I can be a little bit selfish according to my dh!

I have a 4 year old ds and it is likely that he will be a lonely too as I have dithered about having another for so long that I am probably too old now. Dh is ambivalent about having another and I have found that just as it's getting easier so I can contemplate another I am also fearful to go back to the baby toddler years which were very hard.

Ds will be fine either way. He is happy sociable and confident. We can obviously give him more time and attention and afford more if we don't try for another. I don't think he will miss a sibling as he will know no different and there would be a massive age gap between them now anyway.

I would only have another for me .. and I'm not sure if I want it enough ..

Good luck!

Only not lonely! Interesting that autocorrect does that!

I'm an only child. Some of the benefits are:

More opportunities
More attention
No sibling competition
Only children are often very independent and capable
You are able to give more to one child (both financially and in terms of your time)
No guarantee that siblings will get on, some hate each other
A much calmer home
No juggling different activities for different age DC
You can have a smaller house and car
I have a very good relationship with my parents but not sure if this is a general trend or not

Hope that helps

We have an only child, but that was always the plan. I must admit to wobbling about our decision at times, but I think that is the social conditioning, my DD has certainly never asked for a sibling. She is a very happy and outgoing child.

My sister, however, fucked off to the other side of the world, leaving me to deal with our aged, ill mother. But thats another fucked up long story.....

I'm upset because DH and I very much want another child, DD very much wants a sibling, and it's not happening. The unpleasant comments from other people aren't the primary problem, they just make an already upsetting situation more difficult.

This is why, if you feel up to it, you need to tell people that they are being rude and insensitive and that they shouldn't ask such personal questions.

I spent years wanting another. After having conceived first in first month of trying I suffered 5 losses in a row (2 late term) and ended up with a 5.5 year age gap after fertility treatment.

The awful truth- which I would never admit- is that I often think how much easier my life was with one child and I often look back wistfully on those days. I love my son I just wonder why I was so desperate for another when one is so so so much easier

i didnt mind it as a child, now i'm 24 and i .. sometimes like it ( i get all my mummys attention) but at the same time... i'm lonely, all my cousins have siblings and they fight so hard to help each other... i'm alone, and once my parents die.. ill be even more alone, just glad i have an amazing partner who i love..

Our NDNs have an only DD (aged 7 now) who plays regularly with our 2 DDs (8 and 5). She's a delightful little girl whose parents have taken her on wonderful holidays to DisneyWorld and to Lapland. They take her everywhere they go, she really is so well behaved.

I don't have a close enough friendship with the parents to know whether they want another child and can't have one or whether they're happy enough with one child. I would never dream of asking as it's nothing to do with me. No one should have to justify how many children they have.

I was one of many and was quite lonely as a child as I got lost in the crowd.

Too many other dramas and events going on, so I just got pusged into the background and left to ‘get in with it’ because I was ‘self sufficient’.

Without wanting to sound too rude, why the fuck are you arsed what other people think about your family situation?

In the nicest possible way, this is right!

There are pros and cons to practically everything in life. Because life is like that; it’s all shades of grey rather than black and white. This is absolutely true of number of children in a family. Put crassly, you have just one? More money to spend on them, more attention to give them, their needs are always met and aren’t subservient to those of a sibling. You have two? Opportunities to share and form a lifelong familial bond with someone your own age etc.

BUT and it’s a huge but....you can’t predict exactly how things will turn out. I’m an only (fine while I was growing up, now I think it would be nice to have someone to share the problems of elderly parents), my DH has two siblings (with whom he’s never got on and feels he bears the brunt of sorting out his parents) and we have two, who are genuinely best friends, which is lovely. My friend has two who never stop bickering, which is a lot less lovely for her.

So - I am hugely glad to have two. The relationship between them is a joy to watch and I think my older child’s life would be poorer without number two. But my DH would much prefer to have been an only child. You don’t know what situation you will be in. All you can do isn’t accentuate the positives of your own situation and try to counter the downsides, which are there whatever your position. So, you have one? Make the most of being able to give him your attention and being able to tailor your time to his needs and interests. If you worry about his not having enough company, make sure you ask friends and family round a lot etc etc. There is no one right way.....

I just told everyone that I’d achieved perfection the first time so I didn’t need to try and improve on it. That shut the conversation down quickly.

DS is an only, as am I. We are happy as a family. We can do things that appeal to DS without needing to consider anyone else. Last night we went to a movie which finished at 8pm and could have dinner afterwards. Next weekend is DH’s birthday so DS has helped to plan a great weekend- no need for early hometimes or playpark stops.

DS competes at regional level in swimming, which takes up a lot of time and costs a fortune- no worrying about another child getting bored or complaining about the amount spent (both of which would be legitimate complaints!).

I think DS is very familiar with the word “no”. No you don’t get everything you want. No you don’t get to do everything your way. No we aren’t spending all weekend walking between gaming shops. No I’m not doing it for you! I’m his mother, not his mate and the boundaries and expectations are clearly marked. I’m definitely not bringing up a little emperor!

I have an only. Not through choice but it is what it is. I would have liked to have given her a sibling, I have a brother and my husband has a sister and I would have liked for her to have that relationship but that's not the way it's turned out. If people ask, I tell them straight, usually they are embarrassed enough to stop prying.

People who say siblings can share the weight of older parents

My mum was an only and as such had to look after her elderly parents (they very much looked upon it as her duty to care for them, I loved them both dearly but that was something I always felt was unreasonable of them, you have children because you want them, not as guaranteed nursemaids when you're old) which was obviously hard for her, then she became very ill and I had to take over, I don't know what we would of done if I hadn't done it to be honest. My dad had two brothers, one sadly died and the other is a shithouse who did a disappearing act when his mum started to need more care so it was all left to my dad. Siblings are no guarantee of support regarding elderly parents.

Tollygunge

Thanks for being so honest. I'm sure it does get easier as they get older

How old is your second dc now?

18 months. And he’s an absolute joy to be around- but life is easier with 1. We love him fiercely of course and I can’t imagine being without him, I just wonder why we always want two when in many ways one is a good number? I suppose what I’m saying is the grass is always greener so don’t beat your self up xx

Thanks tollygunge

I do feel like I should want another one.. there is a lot of pressure to conform to the norm.

And if your love is multiplied when you have another child rather than divided that would be great. I'm just worried how it will impact on my relationship with my ds as I can't imagine loving another child like him

But when I look at how I would like my life to be in 5 years ( when I'm 45 eek!) I would like another person in our family I think

But I'm not sure how we would cope with the baby toddler stage again which I found really hard

Sorry to derail thread...

My nephew is an only child and has a lovely life from what I can see. He doesn't have to compete for attention or compromise for a sibling. That said, he's not self centred at all and is a lovely easy going child who plays really well with others and he has lots of friends. I think there are lots of advantages to be an only child.

I love being an only. I'm close to my parents, I've never had to share attention or felt insecure about my place in the pecking order, I am happy in my own company and have strong friendship bonds with people, too. In fact, a lot of my friends are onlies and we turn to each other for support. My DP is also an only- he loves his friends but neither of us misses having siblings. I would definitely consider only having 1 DC. I don't know how to imagine life with more than one! Not sure I want to.

I am grateful for the opportunities being an only has given me, too. I was privately educated, my parents could afford public school, we had good holidays and I was well provided for- but NOT spoilt. I had 2nd hand, didn't automatically have my way and was taught to share! The downsides to being an only are people judging/the stereotype and worrying about being solely responsible for old and ill parents (who have said they don't want to be a burden but I'd never abandon them)- but siblings can cut off their families, be feckless and useless, die or emigrate so somone with 4 siblings could end up shouldering that burden alone, so I don't worry. And I won't have anyone rowing with me over inheritance.

Iots of positive stories

It would be interesting to know how many only children chose to have only children themselves

I am an only child not by choice my parents wanted more but couldn't ... my ds is likely to be an only by choice